Addiction

[sideways_spiral]

I made another effort to quit cannabis. I lasted 25 days this time. But I went by my brother's place where I had previously left a bit of flower, enough for two bowls. So I said whatever, I already paid for it and it will go to waste because he doesn't smoke.

The last week I have been asking myself what the point of quitting is. I still felt like garbage. Sure, I had some sense of pride in myself for not giving into craving, for not feeling controlled by addiction. But it didn't feel like that impact was very significant against everything I've been going through lately.

The high went well enough. But it messed up my sleep. I can't smoke too late, or I stay awake all night. I thought I was in the safe window, but I guess I had become more sensitive, and I was a little wired from working on a creative project. I tossed back and forth in bed for hours, ruminating on last month's breakup. I finally got some sleep, then woke up before sunset and resumed my restless rumination.

And now I'm dead tired, trying to take on everything I originally planned for the day. Now I remember why I want to quit. To regulate my sleep, regulate my dopamine, improve productivity, and gain some sense of control over myself. But on the other side of the coin — it gave me a break from the suicidal ideation I've been experiencing every day recently. That's what makes it so hard to quit. I don't think about dying when I'm high.

Every attempt to just cut down frequency has failed. Cold turkey is the only thing that works for me. I've gone for years in the past, and I can do it again. But god damn, it does feel nice to just automatically have the will to live from time to time.


What is your experience with addiction?

 

[trying ungracefully]

I am addicted to weed too and I can't find it in me to stop. My boyfriend buys it for me so money isn't a problem with it and it is hard to think that it will help me in the long run if I quit. Like I have bipolar so weed is already going to fuck me up long term more than someone who doesn't have it. Even with that in mind the benefits of weed always outweigh everything for me.

It helps with suicidal ideation a lot, putting me to sleep ( I have insomnia ), boredom, depressed feelings, and also my anger. It is hard to think about the long term benefits when it is helping with all of that so much now. I've been wanting to slow down or take a break because I am going through a gram cart in about 5 days which is honestly embarrassing. But it really is such a strong urge when I want a hit but I am trying not to and I always give in because I am just so impulsive and can only think of the short term benefits.

I'm also addicted to nicotine which is a bad bad addiction right now. I started with stealing my mom's cigarettes when I was 12 then it evolved into vapes once I hit 15-16 is when I started getting bad with it and going through a lot. My boyfriend also bought mu vapes so money was never a problem there, now my mom buys my vapes and even that isn't enough to get me to quit. I go through a vape that takes my boyfriend 1-2 weeks to go through in 4-5 days. I want to quit with that but I tried with Zyns and it didn't work. I might try again though now that I am thinking about it, I'll get nicotine pouches instead of a vape today.

Addiction is a terrible thing even if it's something "non addictive" like weed. I hate it so much and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, I am sorry you are going through it too.