Venting A Year

[venerated-vader]

I have known for a long time that I'm going to kill myself eventually. Which certainly sounds like a self-fulfilling prophecy, and a delusion grounded in the hysterical need to avoid the potential degradation of my quality of life that tends to accompany the aging process. The question remains as to when that time will come. Medical conditions are tricky because there always seems to be a kernel of hope somewhere that i can just, grit and bear it. I'm afraid that one day I will find myself ready to fucking die and yet be physically incapable of doing it. But then again, I'm afraid of a lot of things.

But I have a hard metric I hadn't really considered before: money. I'm going to be out of money in a year, at this rate. If I get to that point and there is no hope otherwise, I'm going to have no choice.

So. When the number hits zero or really fucking close to it, I'll know its time. I don't know if that means I should try to enjoy my time now, or try to work my ass off and push myself to the limit to explore every option before i give up entirely. I suppose I'll just take it day-by-day until I know its time.

 

[Tombadil]

I have known for a long time that I'm going to kill myself eventually. Which certainly sounds like a self-fulfilling prophecy, and a delusion grounded in the hysterical need to avoid the potential degradation of my quality of life that tends to accompany the aging process. The question remains as to when that time will come. Medical conditions are tricky because there always seems to be a kernel of hope somewhere that i can just, grit and bear it. I'm afraid that one day I will find myself ready to fucking die and yet be physically incapable of doing it. But then again, I'm afraid of a lot of things.

But I have a hard metric I hadn't really considered before: money. I'm going to be out of money in a year, at this rate. If I get to that point and there is no hope otherwise, I'm going to have no choice.

So. When the number hits zero or really fucking close to it, I'll know its time. I don't know if that means I should try to enjoy my time now, or try to work my ass off and push myself to the limit to explore every option before i give up entirely. I suppose I'll just take it day-by-day until I know its time.

Just came across this, just like my situation. I have resources for about a year. I take the peaceful route and see it as some kind of retirement.

 

[venerated-vader]

Yeah... I see it like a terminal illness. And that's how I'm going to cope with it. I'll continue trying to find a way to keep going, if I can. But if I can't work, I can't get disability, I lose my eyesight so I can't drive, I can't afford my rent and can't buy myself groceries, AND I'm utterly dependent on literally anyone for any reason, I would rather meet a really swift and sure end. At least then I can face the time i have left with some dignity.

And I won't ever have to get older. I won't have to watch my body decay in real time. I won't need to worry anymore about money, or about anything. So I suppose it's really for the best, if I can't get better. And I only really feel bad for a friend of mine whom i love very much. Not even my partner, at this point, because they're not even almost on the roster of reasons I'd hesitate. My cat? My love for my hobbies? My longing to grow and improve and better my circumstances? The actual love of my life? Yes, absolutely.

But my partner does not understand me, does not possess the amount of emotional awareness or capacity for insight, and evidently has no interest in the things I'm interested in. If I had the ability to survive independently, I would do that. But I don't, so here we are.

That was a little tangential... lol but yeah.

Just came across this, just like my situation. I have resources for about a year. I take the peaceful route and see it as some kind of retirement.