30+ peer support thread.

[Ash]

Hello fellow olds. How are your pain levels today?

Midlife crisis of getting my eyebrow pierced outweighed by the swelling of my ear lobes after repiercing them myself after twenty something years of letting them lie fallow

Knees seem like a youngster's in comparison

 

[RemainingDubious]

Do you ever feel like you've missed the boat to a meaningful life?

i'm 36 and often wonder how i got this old. When i look back i realise i haven't really achieved anything. There isn't really anything i've wanted to achieve either. All these years have been wasted and i haven't even enjoyed wasting time. When i look back i can't recall a single thing i'm proud of. my existence has been completely insignificant.

 

[SnackNinja]

Fill your pockets with hard candies and strap on your orthopedic shoes everyone.

And pocket change lol

 

[F@#$]

What happens if someone under 30 posts here?

We'll take away their birthday.

 

[whywere]

Holy heavens at 68, what next an over the hill section?

We are ALL the same and yes, I have been zinged and given tons of crap by juveniles, however, a few do not speak for the majority of younger folks.

We ALL can and should learn from each other and yes, older folks do have life experience which sometimes can come into play, but also a younger person might have a new way and/or idea that is refreshing and innovative.

Let's work together and help each other is my main theme.

Walter

 

[GoingHome11:11]

I'm happy to see this thread. I'm 46.

View attachment 146304

Hi! Fellow 40 plus-er here

Somethings I can remember are the TV going off air at night and the paper TV guides that came with the newspaper every week.

Also having a number to call to get the time, the weather or even movie show times. And pressing *69 to get the last number that called you. God I miss those days.

 

[Dot]

Hi! Fellow 40 plus-er here

Somethings I can remember are the TV going off at night and the paper TV guides that came with the newspaper every week.

Also having a number to call to get the time, the weather or even movie show times. And pressing *69 to get the last number that called you. God I miss those days.

Ha th/ speakng clck

 

[Defenestration]

I fit this perfectly. I'm 37. But I've been suicidal since the age of 12…

Same 37, suicidal since 17

 

[Cinnamorolls]

Do you ever feel like you've missed the boat to a meaningful life?

i'm 36 and often wonder how i got this old. When i look back i realise i haven't really achieved anything. There isn't really anything i've wanted to achieve either. All these years have been wasted and i haven't even enjoyed wasting time. When i look back i can't recall a single thing i'm proud of. my existence has been completely insignificant.

I feel you. My therapist always brings up my "accomplishments" in life like going to college, having a job and living on my own but I don't consider any of those things accomplishments. They were actions necessary to survive and escape an abusive household. I get really uncomfortable when people ask what my life goals are because I don't have any. It's all just survival.

 

[kyhoti]

Free Tylenol because we're likely to assume that your body aches too!

So, my peeps. Where does it hurt today? My jaw is slightly stiff and my GERD is giving me a nausea. My left arm seems to be acting up too.

I think it might be easier to list the places that DON'T hurt today. My ears are o.k...um, end of list.

 

[4everHeartBroken]

Some of these answers had me laughing so hard!!! What a lively crowd! Made my day. Thank you!

 

[Ash]

I think it might be easier to list the places that DON'T hurt today. My ears are o.k...um, end of list.

I slept with my earrings in the other night after repiercing them myself and my right ear is sternly objecting

 

[hawkshorizon]

It's nice to see I'm not a complete oddity. I'm less than a decade away from retirement age, and I've struggled with mental illness and ideation since adolescence. I hope I get to know some people here better before I bow out. Take care.

 

[Thanatos.br]

for me, it's strange how time pass fast as you get older, like, when i was younger and i knew something would happen next year (like a new movie, metal band coming to brazil and etc), i would be disapointed because it would take a loong time, but now? "somtehing will happen wthin a year? i need to hurry, i dont know if i will have the time", "not feeling suicidal right now, going to delay ctb a little, aaand another year passed", its curious and worrysome, because time pass faster and faster, and i see i have made nothing about my life, this kind of pose a sense of urgency because ifeel like if i have to do somehing, it have to be right NOW, because if i leave for next year, next year its at my doorstep anyway, and i just lost time. (Sorry if this was confuse, i can read in english pretty well, but writing? not so much)

 

[sancta-simplicitas]

I know I tend to joke about this a lot, but I'm actually kind of discouraged now. Went to an outside cinema festival the day before yesterday and today I went berry picking. Two things that I've really looked forward to and that I've used as a counterweight to the reason I'm here in the first place. Trying to live instead of surviving. Then my god awful body hurts like hell for several hours from both things. And I'm just, when did this happen? Is this how things are going to be from now on? Is it just going to get worse?

I'm normally not very bothered by pain but when it hinders me from doing things I want to be doing, after such a long time of not wanting to do anything it feels like a massive bitchslap from the Universe.

 

[emma99]

boring practical shit like law, insurance, POA and wills?

Dont you mean talk about boring practical shit like law, insurance, POA and wills?

for me, it's strange how time pass fast as you get older, like, when i was younger and i knew something would happen next year (like a new movie, metal band coming to brazil and etc), i would be disapointed because it would take a loong time, but now? "somtehing will happen wthin a year? i need to hurry, i dont know if i will have the time", "not feeling suicidal right now, going to delay ctb a little, aaand another year passed", its curious and worrysome, because time pass faster and faster, and i see i have made nothing about my life, this kind of pose a sense of urgency because ifeel like if i have to do somehing, it have to be right NOW, because if i leave for next year, next year its at my doorstep anyway, and i just lost time. (Sorry if this was confuse, i can read in english pretty well, but writing? not so much)

I heard the phenomenon explained before that the reason time speeds up as we age, is that as time goes on, we get more used to how we are supposed to perceive the year passing.

So if your 40. you have 40 years experience of what a year is. you have experienced 40 of them before.

Do you ever feel like you've missed the boat to a meaningful life?

i'm 36 and often wonder how i got this old. When i look back i realise i haven't really achieved anything. There isn't really anything i've wanted to achieve either. All these years have been wasted and i haven't even enjoyed wasting time. When i look back i can't recall a single thing i'm proud of. my existence has been completely insignificant.

34, and still stunted from the abuse i suffered as a child and young adult.

24 years of abuse and 10 years trying to unravel from it.
and just as i am unravelling from it. a second shit ton
of trauma is coming to hit me life a freight train.

So This time i'm reaching for the ejection cord

 

[LoiteringClouds]

I fit this perfectly. I'm 37. But I've been suicidal since the age of 12…

All I wanted was to fall in love, maybe have a baby maybe not. Doesn't seem like it will happen now. 37m...

Same 37, suicidal since 17

Let me join 37 Club I'm 37 too, trying to recover and I've been suicidal since 8. Soon I'll mark 30th anniversary of my suicidal life. I had a partner but he left me and I've lost interest in relationships (and I'm asexual in the first place.)

Love this for us. Anyone else on a childfree path? This is no insult to anyone with children, trying etc.

All I wanted was to fall in love, maybe have a baby maybe not. Doesn't seem like it will happen now. 37m...

Yes. My "biological clock" never went off and the desire to have them never surfaced. Just don't see the appeal, and I don't like that women are generally expected to do most of the child-rearing and housekeeping while sacrificing their careers/interests to prioritize the family. Sucks though because childfree men are exceedingly rare which makes the prospect of dating even more difficult. In my experience with online childfree communities, it's like 90% women.

I'm a single woman and 100% infertile since birth. At work all women have husbands and kids, so my life is just a "planned loserhood" there...
I make very little money, so parenthood is never ever an option anyway.

Anyone else never really manage to make a 'career' for themselves. I.e build up skills/experience in one area/business/trade/industry/environment/type of job?

Yes, my "career" ended at 30.
I have a dead-end job now. I got a job as a software developer in 2015, but I failed catastrophically. I tried to redeem myself for a couple of years, but it didn't work out and the extreme stress gave me bipolar II. I tried antidepressants, therapy, exercise, etc., but my situation is simply beyond repair.

Now I have an office job which pays slightly better than the minimum wage.

My experience is of lots of temp/seasonal jobs and a couple of failed attempts at more 'stable' stuff, but thus also an envy and sense of failure when previously seeing the pay levels of peers of a similar age (we are now 10-15 years after uni).

I don't know how much my former peers at uni are get paid but I think I make 1/10 of theirs. I can't even support myself, even though I get tax exemption for disabled people. Still, I must be grateful that I have a job, as a "damaged goods."

Does mean I have quite the back catalogue of previous lives and random experiences though. Another reason for isolating - ruins conversations where I'm like 'yea I've done this or that' to a ton of stuff.

Generally harder and harder to fit/'blend' into the seasonal jobs now. Questions get asked and its not a lifestyle that typically fits 'older' folk. Sticking out now.

Dead end where I tried retraining and feel like I've tried every option (private/public/charity, full time/part time/0 hours/seasonal, all sorts of sectors/industries). Just know that I'm best 'doing' rather than desk based. Although one of my office jobs wasn't too offensive.

You have so much experience - I admire you. I've done only desk jobs, but my brain has been fried with cocktails of wrong medications and extreme stress, so I forget everything every day. If I get fired I'll consider manual labor, and I'm preparing for that - I work out hard at the gym 2 hours a day, 5 days a week, but I think manual labor is far harder than that. I don't think I can work 8 hours a day, 7 days a week...

 

[Cinnamorolls]

I'm a single woman and 100% infertile since birth. At work all women have husbands and kids, so my life is just a "planned loserhood" there...
I make very little money, so parenthood is never ever an option anyway.

I really appreciate people who realize they are too poor to have children. I grew up very poor and it was awful. People who cannot provide fulfilling and gratifying life experiences to their children should just not have them.

How do you know you're infertile? Is there a test you can take to know? I thought people don't find that out until they try to get pregnant and are continually unsuccessful.

 

[CatLvr]

Yikes! I REALLY feel old now! Bunch of kids in here! Lol Just wait until you can't remember the last time everything didn't hurt!

I was forced to raise my brothers and sisters -- all 8 of them -- so never wanted any children. My mother was an evil woman and my father let her do whatever she wanted. Me?? I never missed a Pill and still wound up with 4 of my own. God has a wicked sense of humor apparently. I did the best I could by them. Some days were grand; some not so much but I've never loved anything as much as I love my kids.

Oh well, what's that saying?? Life is what happens when we are making plans??

So now I have my dogs and my kittens. And it is impossible to mess them up. They keep me as close to sane as I have ever been.

 

[Ash]

I know I tend to joke about this a lot, but I'm actually kind of discouraged now. Went to an outside cinema festival the day before yesterday and today I went berry picking. Two things that I've really looked forward to and that I've used as a counterweight to the reason I'm here in the first place. Trying to live instead of surviving. Then my god awful body hurts like hell for several hours from both things. And I'm just, when did this happen? Is this how things are going to be from now on? Is it just going to get worse?

I'm normally not very bothered by pain but when it hinders me from doing things I want to be doing, after such a long time of not wanting to do anything it feels like a massive bitchslap from the Universe.

Yeah, you've got to learn to stretch. There's a reason why yoga and pilates classes are so popular with people above a certain age. But it's ok, you've just earned the right to shout "hey, slow down!" at kids as they run past you and then mutter about how youth and energy are wasted on the young.

 

[ms_beaverhousen]

Nice, I'll join you at the end of September

Do shit while you can so you can still say you did it while "in your twenties." Don't say almost 30 because you lose being able to ever say "29" again. Date while you can so you can say "29". Do stuff now so you can say you started while you were still in your twenties. You get the theme.

 

[sancta-simplicitas]

Yeah, you've got to learn to stretch. There's a reason why yoga and pilates classes are so popular with people above a certain age. But it's ok, you've just earned the right to shout "hey, slow down!" at kids as they run past you and then mutter about how youth and energy are wasted on the young.

I've always said that I hate to be traumatized because it landed me a life where I'm expected to do yoga. Now I'm old and apparently supposed to do yoga for that reason too! What is this cruel fate?

Joke's aside, I learned somewhere-I-can't-remember that stretching may lead to more stiffness and I was disadviced from it. I did get some exercises from a physiotherapist earlier this year because my ribcage locked up hindered me from breathing properly (can't make this shit up) and I think I'm gonna try to find them again. My only solace is knowing that those pesky pubertists can and will end up with aching joints in 15 - 20 years!!

Yikes! I REALLY feel old now! Bunch of kids in here! Lol Just wait until you can't remember the last time everything didn't hurt!

I was forced to raise my brothers and sisters -- all 8 of them -- so never wanted any children. My mother was an evil woman and my father let her do whatever she wanted. Me?? I never missed a Pill and still wound up with 4 of my own. God has a wicked sense of humor apparently. I did the best I could by them. Some days were grand; some not so much but I've never loved anything as much as I love my kids.

Oh well, what's that saying?? Life is what happens when we are making plans??

So now I have my dogs and my kittens. And it is impossible to mess them up. They keep me as close to sane as I have ever been.

Glad you have your doggos and cattos

 

[CatLvr]

I've always said that I hate to be traumatized because it landed me a life where I'm expected to do yoga. Now I'm old and apparently supposed to do yoga for that reason too! What is this cruel fate?

Joke's aside, I learned somewhere-I-can't-remember that stretching may lead to more stiffness and I was disadviced from it. I did get some exercises from a physiotherapist earlier this year because my ribcage locked up hindered me from breathing properly (can't make this shit up) and I think I'm gonna try to find them again. My only solace is knowing that those pesky pubertists can and will end up with aching joints in 15 - 20 years!!

Glad you have your doggos and cattos

Like you I found stretching extremely counter-productive. The spasms it caused when the muscles "bounced back" to their previous tense state were more painful and tighter than before I even messed with stretching.

Both my neurosurgeon and my interventional pain MDs say it's because those muscles are attempting to "protect" the damaged nerves and that's why they tighten back up so quickly and with a vengeance.

 

[Ash]

Well, we're all different. If I don't stretch and warm up my shoulders in the morning, the muscles lock up and I end up so stiff I can barely move my neck and shoulders. I did have a routine for my whole body but that's very much dependent on my MH.

 

[Dot]

I've always said that I hate to be traumatized because it landed me a life where I'm expected to do yoga. Now I'm old and apparently supposed to do yoga for that reason too! What is this cruel fate?

Joke's aside, I learned somewhere-I-can't-remember that stretching may lead to more stiffness and I was disadviced from it. I did get some exercises from a physiotherapist earlier this year because my ribcage locked up hindered me from breathing properly (can't make this shit up) and I think I'm gonna try to find them again. My only solace is knowing that those pesky pubertists can and will end up with aching joints in 15 - 20 years!!

Glad you have your doggos and cattos

Hve u evr lookd in2 TREs

TRE® - Tension & Trauma Releasing Exercises - Official Website

TRE® is an innovative series of exercises that assist the body in releasing deep muscular patterns of stress, tension and trauma.

traumaprevention.com

 

[divinemistress36]

Yes. My "biological clock" never went off and the desire to have them never surfaced. Just don't see the appeal, and I don't like that women are generally expected to do most of the child-rearing and housekeeping while sacrificing their careers/interests to prioritize the family. Sucks though because childfree men are exceedingly rare which makes the prospect of dating even more difficult. In my experience with online childfree communities, it's like 90% women.

Yes, it sucks I'm child free and have no desire to date men with kids. If they have one its ok but they all seem to have 3 or more on dating apps

 

[mellie5]

In my line of work the target market is now 90+ so everyone here is a babe in the woods :-D they are all very interesting :) but yk espc @LoiteringClouds the situation, however bad you see it, is not "beyond repair". I don't want to be a "shiny happy" but the idea of "accomplishment" varies a lot depending on the point of view.

If one is really looking for something to feel bad, one will find it, even in absurd ways - "everyone ik has a bigger yacht than mine", "I have $10 million but so many have $50mil", "I have $50 mil but I could never go to university", "I am a tenured professor of psychosomatic medicine but I don't have children".

I don't want to encourage psychopathy, but there is a very rude Neapolitan word that sums it up and which roughly means "don't care about it". Ofc actual pain is difficult to ignore, so is not having food, but "situations" are usually made worse by our point of view.

So "I have a dead-end job" can be very sad *or* some may completely not care about it, who cares about having a super job?

Anyway sorry to barge in just like that, one can be empathic *or* be shallow, this makes sometimes people angry, but this anger gives them energy and they forget to be sad for a moment :)

 

[LoiteringClouds]

I really appreciate people who realize they are too poor to have children. I grew up very poor and it was awful. People who cannot provide fulfilling and gratifying life experiences to their children should just not have them.

I'm so sorry for your upbringing. I agree, but the society tend to blame unfortunate children who haven't provided enough instead of their irresponsible parents. They say "You're 100% responsible for your own life" and enjoy impunity...

How do you know you're infertile? Is there a test you can take to know? I thought people don't find that out until they try to get pregnant and are continually unsuccessful.

I don't want to mention the detail here for privacy reasons (I'm afraid of doxxing,) but I was tested and the doctor said there's no chance of pregnancy (it's a kind of rare congenital condition and I don't think my doctor was wrong.)

In my line of work the target market is now 90+ so everyone here is a babe in the woods :-D they are all very interesting :) but yk espc @LoiteringClouds the situation, however bad you see it, is not "beyond repair". I don't want to be a "shiny happy" but the idea of "accomplishment" varies a lot depending on the point of view.

I know I can't prove the situation is beyond repair - if I could I'd get welfare/benefits. I know I'm responsible for the situation and trying to improve myself.
Personally, if I could achieve financial independence it would be a substantial "accomplishment" and "success."

If one is really looking for something to feel bad, one will find it, even in absurd ways - "everyone ik has a bigger yacht than mine", "I have $10 million but so many have $50mil", "I have $50 mil but I could never go to university", "I am a tenured professor of psychosomatic medicine but I don't have children".

I think this is real among rich and powerful people. My boss want a car worth $1m but can't have, so he shows off his $70k BMW instead.
And I drive a tiny car I bought for $5k but I'm grateful for having a car in the first place - in many cases any car is a luxury item in my opinion (at least in Japan. I know there are the cases where you need a car to survive.)

I don't want to encourage psychopathy, but there is a very rude Neapolitan word that sums it up and which roughly means "don't care about it". Ofc actual pain is difficult to ignore, so is not having food, but "situations" are usually made worse by our point of view.

So "I have a dead-end job" can be very sad *or* some may completely not care about it, who cares about having a super job?

This is interesting, because my therapist said a similar thing - she said "not everybody wants to be respected from others."

Anyway sorry to barge in just like that, one can be empathic *or* be shallow, this makes sometimes people angry, but this anger gives them energy and they forget to be sad for a moment :)

Personally I'm neither angry nor sad and I've seen a lot of boss, parents and teachers use this approach to galvanize their subordinates, kids and students into working hard. It might be a good way to educate them. Thank you for your valuable input.

 

[sancta-simplicitas]

Hve u evr lookd in2 TREs

TRE® - Tension & Trauma Releasing Exercises - Official Website

TRE® is an innovative series of exercises that assist the body in releasing deep muscular patterns of stress, tension and trauma.

traumaprevention.com

Interesting, thank you for sharing!

 

[mellie5]

Hello @LoiteringClouds - I just noticed now you are in Japan ;) I miss some Japanese things like home-made natto... :-D

Anyway re: cinnamonnrolls many women have conditions that cause them to be infertile and may have had an histerectomy and are therefore 100% sure they are infertile. She is not just saying it on a hunch.

Yet I have seen reactions vary a lot after things like early menopause, from being extremely sad to yay I don't have to worry about being late. Hot-flushes and the other changes are often very manageable with means that don't require a prescription.

Now I noticed that first in your post you mention children being responsible for the situation" and then "I know I am responsible".

Interesting to note that you wrote "I know" and not "I think" or "it seems to me".

As a casual observer, no, you are not responsible, it's certainly not your fault and I hope you don't have guilty feelings or remorse or shame or blame yourself or are angry at yourelf similar for whatever the situation is.

When people say "I know" the first thing that comes to mind is "delusion" - an unshakeable belief in something despite evidence to the contrary.

Even not knowing you and knowing very little of your situation, I can safely say there have been educational factors and social factors that have influenced your life and can have nudged you towards the current situation.

Broadly, in Europe, with exceptions, school is unpaid and private schools are rare (and sometimes forbidden). University is - broadly - free of charge. Access to university varies greatly, but I'll take the extreme example of Italy: the only requirement is passing an end-of-school exam. Registration is automatic, there is no "admissions system" and university is free of charge.

The idea is that say 500 register to start medicine and then very quickly they start not coming or not passing the first exams and then drop out on their own and then a reasonable year size is achieved (say about 25). They also get "student money" until they are 26.

Afaik in Japan it's not like this, which means that - logically - there are also systemic factors that affect you situation.

Imho too there are cultural factors that influence how you see things, how you perceive the situation. If I remember well, in Japanese one says "the nail that stands out gets hit first", while in Mediterranean Europe a common saying is instead "the baby that cries gets milk first", meaning don't be like everyone else.

There is a factual situation regarding you (no doxing ofc) that can be accurately described: you have this car that costed $5k, this job that pays X JPY and you cannot have children.

You could have a Ferrari or a Maserati but then if somebody breaks your side-mirror you will have to wait for a replacement. Then good luck with parking. And if you are driving on a bumpy road you'll know it. And you'll have the view of sitting on the tarmac. Oh and if you are lucky enough to drive them in Germany, the no-speed limit country, you will find out soon that driving at 155mph = 250 km/h on average actually makes trips last much longer bcs you have to refuel every 30 minutes.

And a $5k small car is great, you don't care about bumps and scratches, you can park anywhere and when you are tired of it you can sell it and buy a new one. And if it breaks down your loss is maxed at $5k.

You mentioned that "financial independence" would be a success. This also has different meanings. For some, it's "enough to rent a bed in a shared room", for others it's "enough to buy a house".

Some find a small job annoying, others would welcome it because of the lack of responsibility.

One thing, however, is that independent of your situation, you are not 100% responsible for it. Sure, you might have influenced it, but it's not only you.

I am glad you found a good therapist that is telling you intelligent things to think about and not what to do.

Sorry everyone else if I write essays on the main thread - @LoiteringClouds if you want to DM me, you can, I don't mind (so the thread won't have such long answers) but if nobody minds my occasional texts then I'll keep answering here :)