19.05.2019

[RainAndSadness]

Alright, people. Looks like my fate is sealed. After bunking the N for almost 10 months in my home, it looks like I can finally leave. I've booked a hotel in a nearby city for the weekend and I'm confident in my decision to end my suffering finally. I've registered in this forum exactly 11 months ago and most people I've talked to aren't active in this forum anymore. Most of them left already. In other words, they're dead, never to be seen again. I'm not even sure if anybody even cares about this post anymore, considering most people I've talked to are gone now. And I am scared of death, as much as I envy these people for their strength and commitment to leave this rotten world, I'm not sure what it's gonna feel like. Can I do it? I don't know. I'll fall asleep and cease existing.

The loneliness is very painful right now. I have no friends, there isn't anybody left that cares about me. Most of them moved on with their lives and I'm gonna be forgotten very quickly. Nobody asks for me. It wouldn't make a difference once I'm gone. Maybe the closest part of the family would be sad but only because I'm dead. Not because I mean much to them. I can't describe the loneliness but it's heavy. It's crushing me and it's one of the driving factors for my suicide.

And I'm barely making any progress in my transition or mental health. It's like swimming against the drain. I feel stuck and I tried. It's the only reason why I'm still here after several months of receiving N. I really tried to improve but it seems like an impossible task for me. I couldn't be very active lately because of my depression, it makes it really difficult to engage in this forum and write helpful posts. So I totally understand my irrelevance in this place. I'm a member in this forum for almost one year and I barely recognize any users anymore. That's very telling. And it makes me sad, of course. I've talked about my struggles in the past and one of the key problems is me being transgender. The dysphoria is enormous and I don't know how to handle this anymore. I'm 2 years into transitioning and barely making progress anymore. I don't even know how anyone can survive being born in the wrong body and the treatment of society that goes along with this condition but the ones who do are very admirable. It requires so much strength and patience to survive this. But this goes to everyone in this forum who is transgender: I hope you can go through with your transition and find peace. I know it's not fair and I'm one of the cases that stopped fighting. But this community deserves so much love and support. Everyone in this forum does, everyone who is struggling for their personal and individual reasons. I know most people in here struggle for different reasons and I understand the pain and reading your stories makes me very sad. I hope you'll find what you're looking for.

This isn't my goodbye post. I'll update the situation once I checked into the hotel. My things are packed and I am ready to go.

 

[Soul]

RainAndSadness, your writing is beautifully expressive and I'm so sorry you've been struggling with such pain. I want to wrap my coat around you.

 

[SomebodyBroken]

agrees that orientation has an impact on our decision to get off the bus....
let's hope the author will succeed and he will not be unsuccessful :) I hope not to see it :)

 

[JoeFailure]

I'm so sorry it's come to this. I'm not transgender but I can only imagine what you went through. I wish there was a way out for you. The thing we share together unfortunately is emotional pain and suffering, and nobody deserves to go through that.

Know that you're not alone and that we're here with you even if it's not physical. I know that doesn't solve anything since people have said that to me, but I hope it means something small.

 

[Ivenocare]

I have nothing to say, but peace to you even if this isn't your goodbye.

 

[Only Me Here]

Alright, people. Looks like my fate is sealed. After bunking the N for almost 10 months in my home, it looks like I can finally leave. I've booked a hotel in a nearby city for the weekend and I'm confident in my decision to end my suffering finally. I've registered in this forum exactly 11 months ago and most people I've talked to aren't active in this forum anymore. Most of them left already. In other words, they're dead, never to be seen again. I'm not even sure if anybody even cares about this post anymore, considering most people I've talked to are gone now. And I am scared of death, as much as I envy these people for their strength and commitment to leave this rotten world, I'm not sure what it's gonna feel like. Can I do it? I don't know. I'll fall asleep and cease existing.

The loneliness is very painful right now. I have no friends, there isn't anybody left that cares about me. Most of them moved on with their lives and I'm gonna be forgotten very quickly. Nobody asks for me. It wouldn't make a difference once I'm gone. Maybe the closest part of the family would be sad but only because I'm dead. Not because I mean much to them. I can't describe the loneliness but it's heavy. It's crushing me and it's one of the driving factors for my suicide.

And I'm barely making any progress in my transition or mental health. It's like swimming against the drain. I feel stuck and I tried. It's the only reason why I'm still here after several months of receiving N. I really tried to improve but it seems like an impossible task for me. I couldn't be very active lately because of my depression, it makes it really difficult to engage in this forum and write helpful posts. So I totally understand my irrelevance in this place. I'm a member in this forum for almost one year and I barely recognize any users anymore. That's very telling. And it makes me sad, of course. I've talked about my struggles in the past and one of the key problems is me being transgender. The dysphoria is enormous and I don't know how to handle this anymore. I'm 2 years into transitioning and barely making progress anymore. I don't even know how anyone can survive being born in the wrong body and the treatment of society that goes along with this condition but the ones who do are very admirable. It requires so much strength and patience to survive this. But this goes to everyone in this forum who is transgender: I hope you can go through with your transition and find peace. I know it's not fair and I'm one of the cases that stopped fighting. But this community deserves so much love and support. Everyone in this forum does, everyone who is struggling for their personal and individual reasons. I know most people in here struggle for different reasons and I understand the pain and reading your stories makes me very sad. I hope you'll find what you're looking for.

This isn't my goodbye post. I'll update the situation once I checked into the hotel. My things are packed and I am ready to go.

i know what you mean, that everywhere in the world, even here everyone keeps moving forward even if its away from this earth and this life, movement keeps happening away from us. Your words capture the essence of that and are beautifully written. I am so very sorry for your pain and wish you the best in your movement forward. i hope to join those that have left very soon.

 

[Johnnythefox]

I'm sorry it's not worked out for you in your transition, I understand the loneliness all too well, the isolation that destroys us like a flower starved of water.
I understand the loss of others on here, those who once messaged or commented and shared their thoughts and experiences, some of which were funny or tragic, but now gone.

 

[Alec]

Alright, people. Looks like my fate is sealed. After bunking the N for almost 10 months in my home, it looks like I can finally leave. I've booked a hotel in a nearby city for the weekend and I'm confident in my decision to end my suffering finally. I've registered in this forum exactly 11 months ago and most people I've talked to aren't active in this forum anymore. Most of them left already. In other words, they're dead, never to be seen again. I'm not even sure if anybody even cares about this post anymore, considering most people I've talked to are gone now. And I am scared of death, as much as I envy these people for their strength and commitment to leave this rotten world, I'm not sure what it's gonna feel like. Can I do it? I don't know. I'll fall asleep and cease existing.

The loneliness is very painful right now. I have no friends, there isn't anybody left that cares about me. Most of them moved on with their lives and I'm gonna be forgotten very quickly. Nobody asks for me. It wouldn't make a difference once I'm gone. Maybe the closest part of the family would be sad but only because I'm dead. Not because I mean much to them. I can't describe the loneliness but it's heavy. It's crushing me and it's one of the driving factors for my suicide.

And I'm barely making any progress in my transition or mental health. It's like swimming against the drain. I feel stuck and I tried. It's the only reason why I'm still here after several months of receiving N. I really tried to improve but it seems like an impossible task for me. I couldn't be very active lately because of my depression, it makes it really difficult to engage in this forum and write helpful posts. So I totally understand my irrelevance in this place. I'm a member in this forum for almost one year and I barely recognize any users anymore. That's very telling. And it makes me sad, of course. I've talked about my struggles in the past and one of the key problems is me being transgender. The dysphoria is enormous and I don't know how to handle this anymore. I'm 2 years into transitioning and barely making progress anymore. I don't even know how anyone can survive being born in the wrong body and the treatment of society that goes along with this condition but the ones who do are very admirable. It requires so much strength and patience to survive this. But this goes to everyone in this forum who is transgender: I hope you can go through with your transition and find peace. I know it's not fair and I'm one of the cases that stopped fighting. But this community deserves so much love and support. Everyone in this forum does, everyone who is struggling for their personal and individual reasons. I know most people in here struggle for different reasons and I understand the pain and reading your stories makes me very sad. I hope you'll find what you're looking for.

This isn't my goodbye post. I'll update the situation once I checked into the hotel. My things are packed and I am ready to go.

I feel the loneliness too and it's so bad and heavy I feel like it's crushing me, like I can't breath and can't move, I have no friends and no one I can truly call family. I'm so sorry you are in this situation and I feel for you deeply. I also registered almost a months ago and haven't been very active(just reading through posts) I understand how impossible it is to even move with depression not to mention engage in something. You don't have to feel sad that you can't recognize any members here because all the old ones are gone now, you can meet new one and we can start talking together like you did with the old ones. I think I understand what it's like feeling as if you've been left behind, that's how I feel about literally everyone who've ever mattered to me. And maybe we will meet then someday again and meanwhile maybe we can meet new ppl that we'll like too? I don't know but I hope so. I just hope you'll find peace and what you are longing for! Sending all the love!!!

 

[JadedGray]

I'm sorry things didn't work out for you. I remember reading your posts back when I was a lurker (I always liked your avatar). I hope you find peace when the time comes.

 

[memento_mori]

the way you described your loneliness mirrors what I've been feeling, I feel insignificant and people just toss me away like a used tissue.
Wish you all the best!

 

[RainAndSadness]

Thank you all for the support. I really appreciate your comments I'm glad people can relate to my struggle. I'm surprised about the comment regarding my writing, I personally struggle with English a little bit but I'm happy people understand my message. I invest a lot of time into my posts usually so I'm glad it's paying out.

i know what you mean, that everywhere in the world, even here everyone keeps moving forward even if its away from this earth and this life, movement keeps happening away from us. Your words capture the essence of that and are beautifully written. I am so very sorry for your pain and wish you the best in your movement forward. i hope to join those that have left very soon.

Yeah, that's a very accurate description of my view. Everyone is moving and most people only stay in your frame for a limited amount of time. And this forum had a lot of this kind of movement going. It still has. Some members leave and new members come. The last person I talked to via pms left back in March. That's 2 months ago. I didn't even notice it until just recently. They didn't say anything. I guess they didn't want to create a big deal about their exit. It hurts and it makes me sad but I hope they're in peace now.

I'm sorry things didn't work out for you. I remember reading your posts back when I was a lurker (I always liked your avatar). I hope you find peace when the time comes.

Thanks. I'm glad I left a lasting impression. I used to be more active back in 2018, mostly regarding Nembutal. I also like the avatar, it pictures my mood very well. I love that kind of depressing, monochrome art and I've been contemplating to share them somewhere in this forum. A lot of people actually might like the aesthetics and relate to them because of their themes. These pictures are mostly from manga that revolve around life, struggling, depression and suicide. And for some reason, these topics attract me. Maybe I like to bath in my suffering, who knows.

I'm sorry it's not worked out for you in your transition, I understand the loneliness all too well, the isolation that destroys us like a flower starved of water.
I understand the loss of others on here, those who once messaged or commented and shared their thoughts and experiences, some of which were funny or tragic, but now gone.

Yeah, so many amazing people are gone. You're right, it's tragic. I had great conversations with some of them. It's sad but I'm glad they're not struggling anymore, I hope they found peace.
Loneliness indeed feels like thirst and I totally relate to your comparison with a flower. That's a good comparison. Which makes me think, maybe feeding the plant wouldn't even change anything. That's how I feel at least, i guess. The absence of people isn't necessarly the reason for my loneliness. It goes deeper. Hard to describe in simple words but I just feel disconnected from everyone lately. Maybe you know what I mean.
Regarding the transition, I don't think I'll ever be satisfied with my results. I started almost 2 years ago and it's just depressing, to be honest. I look into the mirror and I see anything but myself. Only the person I've ever hated. I feel disgust and repulsion. I still think transitioning was my best bet but unfortunately, it didn't pay out in the end. So I guess, it had to end like this, sooner or later. But that's who I am. I'm transgender and I accept this. I'm not particularly sad about it.

I feel the loneliness too and it's so bad and heavy I feel like it's crushing me, like I can't breath and can't move, I have no friends and no one I can truly call family. I'm so sorry you are in this situation and I feel for you deeply. I also registered almost a months ago and haven't been very active(just reading through posts) I understand how impossible it is to even move with depression not to mention engage in something. You don't have to feel sad that you can't recognize any members here because all the old ones are gone now, you can meet new one and we can start talking together like you did with the old ones. I think I understand what it's like feeling as if you've been left behind, that's how I feel about literally everyone who've ever mattered to me. And maybe we will meet then someday again and meanwhile maybe we can meet new ppl that we'll like too? I don't know but I hope so. I just hope you'll find peace and what you are longing for!❤ Sending all the love!!!

Your words describe it very well. It's crushing. It's painful. It's paralyzing. And you can't escape it. I'm sorry you're going through the same. Thank you for the kind words though, I really appreciate it.

 

[IronTusk]

I hope your exit is peaceful and dignified.

 

[fisil]

You time is soon coming. How do you feel? Why is it that date?

 

[TheNorthernSilence]

I know that we didn't talk much, but I want to thank you for helping me, you have been most kind. I'm going to miss you and I hope it all goes well for you in the end. Really sorry to see you struggle, I know that loneliness slowly kills you inside.

 

[Jean Améry]

I'm sorry you feel that way, I really do. No matter that we've never interacted directly: it's always a sad occasion if any member (or any human-being for matter) feels like they've had enough/can't take it anymore. I wish it were possible to take that feeling away and restore hope but alas I can't.

I'm not going to pretend I know what you're going through especially since we haven't communicated and everyone's experiences are different but I will say you strike me as a thoughtful person and I agree fully with others' assesment: your writing style is very expressive and crystal clear. Which would be impressive for any native speaker let alone a non-native one. Perhaps you could consider writing a book about your experiences? It'd be a shame for such a talent to go to waste.

Your care for others even in your own moment of great need and sorrow tells me you're a wonderful human-being. I think I'll be sad when you'd announce your goodbye.

It sounds like you fought hard for what you wanted: I respect that.

I'm glad you have N: if you do decide it's time to go I'll wish you a peaceful journey. Everyone who is suffering greatly deserves a good, clean, peaceful death if that is their wish.

 

[fisil]

Fuck me your like does not answer my questions

You time is soon coming. How do you feel? Why is it that date?

 

[RainAndSadness]

Thanks again for the responses. I'm grateful for the support and love coming from this forum. I hope this response isn't gonna be chaotic though.

Fuck me your like does not answer my questions

Sorry, I was about to go to bed when I saw these messages. But I can't sleep anyway so - here we go.

You time is soon coming. How do you feel? Why is it that date?

I'm not quite sure why I picked that date. I guess I just like it. 19.05.19, seems like a good date to me. I mean, the only thing about my death I have control over is the date of my exit, right? So I guess I'm taking advantage of that. But I always wanted to leave on a Sunday night, so that's working out well. The only problem with my date is the upcoming birthday of my mother in a few weeks. I'm not quite sure how to feel about that. But I really want to go and I'm tired of people keeping me artificially alive, you know what I mean. I just need to end the pain.

How I'm feeling? Anxious. I'm not scared but I'm nervous. I don't fear death but I am uncertain about nonexistence. What's gonna happen once I'm dead. Will it all be over? One part of me wants it to be over, forever and just drown in darkness. In the never-ending nothingness. Another side of me thinks that's pretty depressing, right? But I think absence of all emotions and struggles is preferable for me. I'll take some benzos with me, just in case I get very anxious.

I have no clue how I will feel like when I check into the hotel and when the exit date comes closer. I have very conflicting feelings about all of this. One part of me wants to go and is very excited about all of this. I even feel a bit of euphoria thinking about my exit. About leaving the pain behind. I know it's the right decision. But another part of me wants to keep up the fight and struggle and I'm sick and tired of that. I know it won't lead anywhere. I've been fighting this for years and I just need the rational part of my brain to win this inner debate. But it's not easy.

I sometimes wonder what my brother went through, when he had his car crash years ago. He instantly died, it wasn't painful, he wasn't even aware of the crash probably. Instant coma, brain damage, died a few hours later in a hospital in Germany. His side of the car was severely crushed. There was no hope he could do it. And even if he had, he would have been physically and maybe mentally disabled to a large extend probably. And I ask myself what he went through, like, his subconscious. And if 'he' still exists somehow. Or if we live in a harsh reality and once you're dead, you're gone forever. I don't know but these questions haunt me ever since then.

But in the end, it doesn't really matter, right? If death and nothingness really is the ultimate end of everything, then I have nothing to worry about. I just want to escape the suffering. It has been going on for so long. You know, I was suicidal the first time when I was 14 years old. That's almost exactly 10 years ago. And nothing changed. I could have died then, I wouldn't really have missed anything. And I think I can finally leave now, without the guilt or regret. I know there isn't anything waiting for me in life. I know it's the best decision to end it all and just escape the struggle I've been going through for so many years.

I have no negative feelings about my method at all, though. Thanks to the Nembutal. I know it will be over quick and painless. I'll switch to the other side in peace. Maybe my brain will go crazy in the last few seconds but that's it. It's over.

I hope your exit is peaceful and dignified.

Thank you.

I know that we didn't talk much, but I want to thank you for helping me, you have been most kind. I'm going to miss you and I hope it all goes well for you in the end. Really sorry to see you struggle, I know that loneliness slowly kills you inside.

Thank you very much for your kind words. I'm glad I could help you out. It was very important for me to help others, as long as my mental health lets me do that. This place is a very important resource for all of us and I hope it will keep existing even after my exit. It's precious and I'm very thankful to many, many members in this forum, of which most are gone already. They helped me a lot and thanks to them, I am able to leave with a peaceful method. I'm glad that I could do that for others as well.
And yeah, you're right. Loneliness kills - slowly. That's definitely true.

I'm sorry you feel that way, I really do. No matter that we've never interacted directly: it's always a sad occasion if any member (or any human-being for matter) feels like they've had enough/can't take it anymore. I wish it were possible to take that feeling away and restore hope but alas I can't.

I'm not going to pretend I know what you're going through especially since we haven't communicated and everyone's experiences are different but I will say you strike me as a thoughtful person and I agree fully with others' assesment: your writing style is very expressive and crystal clear. Which would be impressive for any native speaker let alone a non-native one. Perhaps you could consider writing a book about your experiences? It'd be a shame for such a talent to go to waste.

Your care for others even in your own moment of great need and sorrow tells me you're a wonderful human-being. I think I'll be sad when you'd announce your goodbye.

It sounds like you fought hard for what you wanted: I respect that.

I'm glad you have N: if you do decide it's time to go I'll wish you a peaceful journey. Everyone who is suffering greatly deserves a good, clean, peaceful death if that is their wish.

Thank you for your sweet words. I'm glad you see me like that. I surely don't think that positive of myself, though. I have to admit that. And yeah, I've been going through these struggles for so many years, I don't think anyone could ever grasp it. So there isn't any hope left. I tried to remain positive but it's an illusion. I really fought for a very long time, way longer than I should have. And I know I tried my best.

I appreciate the compliment about my writing and your suggestion to write a book. But I don't think I have anything interesting to say. That's my perception at least. What could be interesting enough for other people to read? I'm not a very interesting person and my life certainly wasn't either. I'm not sure. But one of my wishes, back when I was a little kid, was to become an author, actually. It was always my dream to write a book. To be someone who writes stories. I still have some passions about this buried deep down inside me but my depression don't let me act out these dreams, sadly. So I gave up on them a while ago.

You can't believe how thankful I am for the opportunity to leave with Nembutal. That's definitely a privilege and I'm incredible grateful for that. I agree with you, everyone deserves a peaceful and painless death. I definitely share this notion.

 

[Jean Améry]

Thank you for your sweet words. I'm glad you see me like that. I surely don't think that positive of myself, though. I have to admit that. And yeah, I've been going through these struggles for so many years, I don't think anyone could ever grasp it. So there isn't any hope left. I tried to remain positive but it's an illusion. I really fought for a very long time, way longer than I should have. And I know I tried my best.

I appreciate the compliment about my writing and your suggestion to write a book. But I don't think I have anything interesting to say. That's my perception at least. What could be interesting enough for other people to read? I'm not a very interesting person and my life certainly wasn't either. I'm not sure. But one of my wishes, back when I was a little kid, was to become an author, actually. It was always my dream to write a book. To be someone who writes stories. I still have some passions about this buried deep down inside me but my depression don't let me act out these dreams, sadly. So I gave up on them a while ago.

You can't believe how thankful I am for the opportunity to leave with Nembutal. That's definitely a privilege and I'm incredible grateful for that. I agree with you, everyone deserves a peaceful and painless death. I definitely share this notion.

Appreciation for art and literature is, like beauty, in the eye of the beholder. I'm afraid your opinion in this doesn't matter that much ;-).

It's sad when one has to give up one's dreams. I do get why you'd think it's futile to stick around after that.

Personally I firmly believe in Seneca's thesis: quality over quantity. If it's impossile to lead a qualitatively good life (whatever that may entail for each individual) then death becomes a viable alternative. Especially if one thinks, like you and I, that death is the end of all experience.

It's tragic that great, talented people get their hopes and dreams crushed by life. Justice and fairness often seem like completely unreal notions in this world.

As to your question: I'm sure many would be interested to read about your story as a transgender, your struggles to become who you want to be, the experiences and emotions that come with that... Aside from that I'm sure you have many other interesting thoughts and ideas that deserve development. The world needs more artistic and creative people to make it more interesting and beautiful. God knows what a pile of crap it is now.

It is good that your method is sound and peaceful. One of the things I loathe most about this society is that it forces people to die horribly by severely restricting access to peaceful suicide methods. The worst is that they sell this shit as charity, empathy and pity while it's the exact opposite. What is downright evil is that they then use the supposed irrationality of people jumping in front of trains, hanging themselves, jumping from buildings... as 'proof' that they weren't rational (i.e. 'mentally ill') and thus should have been locked up if that would have been possible. It's quite insidious if you think about it.

I know I'm not even an acquaintance of yours but if you want to get something off your chest, regardless of whether you decide to go or not, feel free to contact me. I know it's an egocentric thing to say but I feel like I had to at least mention it.

 

[RainAndSadness]

I'm driving to the hotel now. Feeling anxious. I'm not in a good mood.

 

[fisil]

I am sorry to read this all. I hope everything turns out like you want. Good bye.

 

[spanishguy22]

Fuck me your like does not answer my questions

What the fuck? Do you know what empathy is?

Sorry OP hope you find peace.

 

[LivingLies]

Hope you find peace

 

[RainAndSadness]

Hello people. I'm writing this from my smartphone. That's not the update I wanted to give but things went differently as planned. I'm in the hotel now but I feel very exhausted and desperate. I don't know what to do. I think I made some mistakes and I'm just very depressed. I can't even engage with people because my laptop isn't working and I just feel lonely as fuck. The room is nice and the bed is the perfect grave for me. Like, that's where I want to have my last sleep. It's incredibely comfy. Kingsize bed, huge pillows. The perfect pleace for an exit with Nembutal. I'm not sure if I can do this. I planned to have a good time and do stuff on the internet and then, you know, saying goodbye to people and getting ready for a final cut. But with my laptop not working, not being able to access all the goodbye notes and feeling utterly distressed, i'm not sure what to do. I'm so glad I made it to the hotel though, whatever the outcome of this might be. Because nonetheless, it's a step forward. I initially planned to give a different update once I'm in the hotel but that's all I can do for now. I'm uncertain and dissapointed in myself. I'm extremely tired because I felt anxious the whole time. I wish nothing but to end this desaster.

 

[Only Me Here]

Hello people. I'm writing this from my smartphone. That's not the update I wanted to give but things went differently as planned. I'm in the hotel now but I feel very exhausted and desperate. I don't know what to do. I think I made some mistakes and I'm just very depressed. I can't even engage with people because my laptop isn't working and I just feel lonely as fuck. The room is nice and the bed is the perfect grave for me. Like, that's where I want to have my last sleep. It's incredibely comfy. Kingsize bed, huge pillows. The perfect pleace for an exit with Nembutal. I'm not sure if I can do this. I planned to have a good time and do stuff on the internet and then, you know, saying goodbye to people and getting ready for a final cut. But with my laptop not working, not being able to access all the goodbye notes and feeling utterly distressed, i'm not sure what to do. I'm so glad I made it to the hotel though, whatever the outcome of this might be. Because nonetheless, it's a step forward. I initially planned to give a different update once I'm in the hotel but that's all I can do for now. I'm uncertain and dissapointed in myself. I'm extremely tired because I felt anxious the whole time. I wish nothing but to end this desaster.

Rain don't do anything unless you are 100 percent sure, the hotel and N will still be there next week...if you need more time to come to peace thats ok. Without a doubt this is a very frightening and difficult thing To do. Is your laptop not working and other things not going as planned what is causing you to feel the "i dont know" or are you not 100 percent sure this is right?

 

[Midnight]

Whatever you decide to do i wish you best of luck.

 

[RainAndSadness]

Rain don't do anything unless you are 100 percent sure, the hotel and N will still be there next week...if you need more time to come to peace thats ok. Without a doubt this is a very frightening and difficult thing To do. Is your laptop not working and other things not going as planned what is causing you to feel the "i dont know" or are you not 100 percent sure this is right?

Thank you. Both things played a role. I was anxious about my exit but I still felt confident enough to do it. I knew this was the date and I know my exit is inevitable. But I was already stressed and in a hurry when I left the house. I was late on time but I wanted to stick to the plan, no matter what. I could relax and calm down once I checked into my room, that's what I told myself. There would be plenty of time for mental preparation - which is the reason why I booked for 2 nights, instead of one. But when I realized that things started to go down differently than planned, with my laptop failing, without the ability to say goodbye properly, it all started to crumble and I fell into despair. This isn't how I planned things to go down. And it shouldn't happen like this. As I said, I'm very dissapointed in myself and frustrated that it didn't work out, despite my plans. I feel crushed and I want to leave so badly but I don't know what to do. My N is still sealed.

 

[Only Me Here]

Thank you. Both things played a role. I was anxious about my exit but I still felt confident enough to do it. I knew this was the date and I know my exit is inevitable. But I was already stressed and in a hurry when I left the house. I was late on time but I wanted to stick to the plan, no matter what. I could relax and calm down once I checked into my room, that's what I told myself. There would be plenty of time for mental preparation - which is the reason why I booked for 2 nights, instead of one. But when I realized that things started to go down differently than planned, with my laptop failing, without the ability to say goodbye properly, it all started to crumble and I fell into despair. This isn't how I planned things to go down. And it shouldn't happen like this. As I said, I'm very dissapointed in myself and frustrated that it didn't work out, despite my plans. I feel crushed and I want to leave so badly but I don't know what to do. My N is still sealed.

Rain if you have any doubt at all, wait until you are 100 percent sure. I know what you mean i want it myself badly but when i envision myself In the last day or hours i know i wouldnt be able to find the courage until i am completely ready and everything is as i want it to be. As long as you have N you always have this option again at a later date. I would imagine being alone at the end is the ultimate loneliness, to die as you live, alone. That is probably the most upsetting thought i have in all of this...

 

[IronTusk]

Thank you. Both things played a role. I was anxious about my exit but I still felt confident enough to do it. I knew this was the date and I know my exit is inevitable. But I was already stressed and in a hurry when I left the house. I was late on time but I wanted to stick to the plan, no matter what. I could relax and calm down once I checked into my room, that's what I told myself. There would be plenty of time for mental preparation - which is the reason why I booked for 2 nights, instead of one. But when I realized that things started to go down differently than planned, with my laptop failing, without the ability to say goodbye properly, it all started to crumble and I fell into despair. This isn't how I planned things to go down. And it shouldn't happen like this. As I said, I'm very dissapointed in myself and frustrated that it didn't work out, despite my plans. I feel crushed and I want to leave so badly but I don't know what to do. My N is still sealed.

Sorry things didn't work out :(

 

[RainAndSadness]

Rain if you have any doubt at all, wait until you are 100 percent sure. I know what you mean i want it myself badly but when i envision myself In the last day or hours i know i wouldnt be able to find the courage until i am completely ready and everything is as i want it to be. As long as you have N you always have this option again at a later date. I would imagine being alone at the end is the ultimate loneliness, to die as you live, alone. That is probably the most upsetting thought i have in all of this...

I understand what you mean and you're right. I didn't prepare enough despite my plans.I feel guilty and ashamed about the outcome of this. I should have known better. But at the same time I had ressources and goodbye notes on that laptop and I didn't want to leave silently. And I started to feel incredibely lonely without a way to exchange final thoughts with others and that's not how I intended to leave.
I'm not gonna anounce my date again. If it happens, I'll let you know. But this was terrible. I'm sorry.
Thanks to anyone who expressed their support and thoughts.

 

[AveryConure]

Do whatever is best for you, Rain. I think it's really tragic when literally the only option LGBT people have left is suicide when you would think people nowadays wouldn't give a fuck but I'm not going to give out the "it gets better" shit cause sadly, for some it really doesn't and I can't blame them.