Venting "YoUr'E nOt AlOnE sEeK hElP!"

[Cauliflour]

God I fucking hate how every mental health PSA/hotline poster uses this damn phrase. Oh it must be so easy for you to understand eh? You read 3 articles on mental health and you think you've cracked the code eh? You think I'm not bloody aware eh? Shut up mate! I clearly don't fit your worldview because the truth is: I am alone. I'm not like those articles who say "oh X is this this and this" hell I can't even put a name to everything that's going on in this shit for brains! Like I think I share some symptoms with depression but I sure as hell don't feel depressed or am I just so special that I have my own little version that doesn't line up with the image plastered all over social media and alike?

I am alone.

And this isn't just some emo shit to make me sound cool, I'm statistically more unique to everyone else because good ol' autism and I'm yet to find someone who's like me. I think the closest is probably Yuri from DDLC but she's fictional. I feel like I repeat myself a lot in these posts but then again I really doubt anyone's bothered enough to read through these all, but essentially my whole deal here is that I'm a masochist (not in a sexual way) and I like to self harm for various reasons (depends on the type) but mostly for fun. I don't want to seek help. If I seek "help" then they'll make me stop cutting myself using some stupid ass technique that doesn't work because nobody believes my fucking motive they all believe it's the common reasons like depression or anxiety. If I talk to someone about my suicidal thoughts that I've had for a while, they'll chuck me in a mental hospital and I'll never leave that underfunded hell because there's nothing bloody wrong with me.

I'm not depressed, I'm not anxious, I don't have PTSD, I'm just an autistic weirdo who likes to hate herself over completely justifiable reasons so it's not "low self esteem" (and I don't cut for that reason either, it actually boosts my self esteem but you'll never see the PSAs talk about that anomaly). I am a shitty person and I don't want to have to live like that for more than 40 years and also suicide is like ultra self harm where you can stab and hang and y'know, you only die once so might as well go out in style! I shouldn't be made to quit what brings me comfort and happiness just because of somebody else's decision. It's my arms not yours and I wish I could wear short sleeves but then people would comment on my scars and they're never empathetic about it and they never bloody listen. I shouldn't be made to have an inflated ego because "self hated is bad" but nooooooo I'm sorry I have the awareness to put myself in check! I'd be a horrible person if I ate up all that "love yourself you're worth it!" crap that truthfully means nothing. Do you want me to be a pissed off narcissist!? What about other peoples' mental health? Wouldn't it affect them?

Shut up. Shut the fuck up. I am alone. You can't relate to me. I can't relate to anyone here really. I don't even feel like I belong here. I feel bad because I feel like I've fucked up others lives with my god awful responses because I can't really relate to a lot of people on here and my empathy skills are terrible. I know people probably don't care if I'm telling people to kill themselves as this is SaSu, but god damn it I feel bad because I see these posts and I think to myself "these people don't deserve this pain" but not in a pro-suicide way, more like a cynical way where I wish the best for the good people on here and idk I would be a hypocrite to call myself a pro-lifer but some people I think just really don't deserve to die. Especially the ones I see pop up a lot in replies with much better written messages like they're too cool to leave just yet.

I guess another thing therapists would suggest (if I ever got one, of which I'm terrified of being given) is to channel that masocistic energy into BDSM stuff (to which I have very mixed feelings about the genre) but that would imply:
1. I actually have the confidence to go talk to someone to find a partner
2. I feel comfortable talking about personal sexual things to someone I'm not deeply romantically connected to (and yeah I know girlfriends do that too but what is the likely hood that I'll just naturally come across someone like that?)
and
3. I do all this without pulling out some kind of sharp object, which I feel like not including would take away a lot of the fun

Like I'm already really lonely 'cause I relate to nobody, how the fuck am I gonna get a partner of any sorts? Maybe the mental hospital? That implying they ever let me leave. Like this is coming from someone who would rather get ovarian cancer than have to go to a gynotologist checkup, it's not gonna happen. (for the gynotologist thing, the idea of ig "displaying it all" (i can't talk about sex things with normal sentences, sorry) even to a medical professional of the same sex who's there to make sure i don't die, makes me really really uncomfortable and i have no idea how people can talk about their sexual experiences so casually).

Also I like to keep a lot of things to myself, even if it's not like a dark secret so the idea of talking about anything remotely personal to someone I barely know sounds terrible.

In conclusion: according to me, I am fine (well I was before I made the woman in my head leave but that was my fault). According to society, I'm very depressed and anxious and I have to be locked away. The end.

 

[bankai]

Won't really be seeking help or attempting to seek help from mainstream society. These catchphrases are anything but catchy at this point. It's the same old same old each and every time.

I feel you on the loneliness. Most of the individuals on this site are pretty unique in their own way. So I can certainly understand. It's difficult for a lot of people to find someone that can match their energy. It's not even about physical intimacy for me at this point. I just need someone to talk to who can get me.But it's very difficult to get that in real life. And to discuss my deep rooted issues is near impossible.

Also, I feel you on the ovarian cancer thing.I've always felt the same thing about a colonoscopy. If at some point in my life I was told that it was a big health risk and I needed to get regular Colonoscopy checkups, I still wouldn't do it

 

[Dejected 55]

I had a colonoscopy a couple of years ago... first one... they pulled out a bunch of things, all apparently benign... but found enough they wanted to do another one in a few years... which would be next year I guess... long after I'm gone, I hope.

 

[TheBroken]

I know I'm alone ...... hate the catch phrase.

 

[genie]

It's meaningless sentiment because preventing people CTB is a white knight endeavour.

 

[ObsidianEnigma]

Thank you for this post. Regarding gynecologist visits. I am a male so it's urologist for me. Given some risk factors, I was recommended to have regular check-ups. Went there twice and just stopped even though the examination was nothing problematic. Hospitals and doctors give me anxiety and I avoid them whenever possible. I would recommend to go, but I cannot make even myself to go.

You've mentioned, you consider yourself a masochist, but not in sexual way, so I would not bother with bdsm. It would be great to find a partner who understands, but it is hard.

 

[StupidCat]

Based

 

[Pluto]

 

[Cauliflour]

You've mentioned, you consider yourself a masochist, but not in sexual way, so I would not bother with bdsm. It would be great to find a partner who understands, but it is hard.

I always clarify here because whenever i google "masocism" or whenever it's mentioned, it's always in the bdsm kind which I find annoying 'cause sadism is seen more broadly but I don't want people assuming sexual stuff about me but I know damn well a therapist isn't gonna see it in a non sexual context so that's why I mentioned it. Not something I can just casually slide into conversation but like if I enjoy it then what's the problem? Infections? Blood loss? Well then it'll be my fault and I should suffer the consequences.

It's a feeling that's hard to explain because I can't link it very well to other forms of enjoyment, it's kinda it's own thing, but it's very satisfying watching a cut I made leak out blood over and over and then watching it's scarring process. The next day always has the nicest looking ones. Like tattoos but with a nice memory of it's creation attached to it.

Also, I feel you on the ovarian cancer thing.I've always felt the same thing about a colonoscopy. If at some point in my life I was told that it was a big health risk and I needed to get regular Colonoscopy checkups, I still wouldn't do it

I'm genetically more prone to getting breast cancer but the thought of having to take off my top and insert them into some squish scan machine like in the diagrams freaks me out. Idk if this is a sapphic thing or a me thing but I have a feeling it's gonna bite me in the ass in the future. Can't even wear mini skirts without feeling uncomfy.