Venting Yeah, I hate this...

[WorthlessTrash]

Talked to a family member today and....

"You should talk to someone who went through the same exact thing"

"I cant give you permission to do that" (referring to me committing suicide)

"If I had an answer for you, I'd give it to you"

So....I'm suppose to just chill and be okay with having a penis and being male? Hate myself. I want to be castrated and left for dead.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

"I cant give you permission to do that" (referring to me committing suicide)

You don't really need their permission, do you? Obviously, though, it does seem like you're reaching out to others for some type of help or advice. It seems like you want to be receptive to what others might tell you. If not, why would you even bother talking to anyone about your feelings?

 

[WorthlessTrash]

You don't really need their permission, do you? Obviously, though, it does seem like you're reaching out to others for some type of help or advice. It seems like you want to be receptive to what others might tell you. If not, why would you even bother talking to anyone about your feelings?

Because venting. Nothing more, nothing less.

The reality of the situation is I want a blessing to be able to CTB. I want to know that the family will be "okay" (for lack of a better term) even after I CTB. I don't want or need their permission, no. But I need assurance that my departure will not have a domino effect.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Because venting. Nothing more, nothing less.

The reality of the situation is I want a blessing to be able to CTB. I want to know that the family will be "okay" (for lack of a better term) even after I CTB. I don't want or need their permission, no. But I need assurance that my departure will not have a domino effect.

IMO, that's really asking for a lot. The fact of the matter is you're going to hurt someone that cares about you. Remember they, also, have the will to live and, like most people, will eventually get on with their lives when the grieving subsides. I don't know what small fraction of 1% that someone's family would give a blessing to ctb, but it has to be minuscule. It's certainly not the norm. Vent away.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

IMO, that's really asking for a lot. The fact of the matter is you're going to hurt someone that cares about you. Remember they, also, have the will to live and, like most people, will eventually get on with their lives when the grieving subsides. I don't know what small fraction of 1% that someone's family would give a blessing to ctb, but it has to be minuscule. It's certainly not the norm. Vent away.

True. They will have to get over it.

 

[SakoyaLT2732]

Talked to a family member today and....

"You should talk to someone who went through the same exact thing"

"I cant give you permission to do that" (referring to me committing suicide)

"If I had an answer for you, I'd give it to you"

So....I'm suppose to just chill and be okay with having a penis and being male? Hate myself. I want to be castrated and left for dead.

If you ever want a stranger to rant and vent at, feel free to drop me a message

 

[locked*n*loaded]

True. They will have to get over it.

More than likely, they will. The vast majority do. In most cases (not mine), it is inherent in ctb that loved ones will be hurt. It's the way of life. Pain is a part of life. We all experience pain when loved ones die naturally. It's really not any different. I'm sure you've gone through it with loved ones dying. It can hurt for a long time, but, eventually, the pain subsides and more normal living resumes. It can make it easier for the ones you care about if you leave a detailed explanation as to your reasons for needing to leave.

 

[almaranthine]

Hey DDTD, I'm sorry you didn't get the response from this person that you were hoping for but, realistically I think it went a lot better than it could have... at least this person didn't recommend you "just transition" or try to minimize your suffering. Most people out there are not going to bless another person's suicide or encourage it in any way, no matter how much the person contemplating it is in pain. It completely goes against their sense of morality and could even have legal ramifications in some instances. Also, this person didn't try to commit you to a psych ward or lash out and verbally attack you which often happens when people come out and try to be honest with their family/friends. Even on this site, people don't usually bless other people's decision to ctb, rather wish them peace and say they understand why they chose to.

 

[SarRy]

I know I can probably say nothing of value. I know it's selfish to have been sad at the thought of you being gone. I know the only answers given for such a situation are to either transition or figure out where your desires stem from and how you can make peace with your situation or figure out how to change your gender expression to something you like.

I hate the thought that there's no answer to it. I wish you'd find the answer. I'm sorry that I'm so useless.

I hope you find peace.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

More than likely, they will. The vast majority do. In most cases (not mine), it is inherent in ctb that loved ones will be hurt. It's the way of life. Pain is a part of life. We all experience pain when loved ones die naturally. It's really not any different. I'm sure you've gone through it with loved ones dying. It can hurt for a long time, but, eventually, the pain subsides and more normal living resumes. It can make it easier for the ones you care about if you leave a detailed explanation as to your reasons for needing to leave.

I have a note written out. I am starting to come to terms with the fact that I will CTB soon, and they won't be able to do anything about it.
I quit my hobbies cold turkey, My favorite genre of music makes me depressed, my triggers are everywhere (irl, TV, social media), I am unwilling to work or do anything with my life. It seems CTBing is the clear cut answer for me.

I know I can probably say nothing of value. I know it's selfish to have been sad at the thought of you being gone. I know the only answers given for such a situation are to either transition or figure out where your desires stem from and how you can make peace with your situation or figure out how to change your gender expression to something you like.

I hate the thought that there's no answer to it. I wish you'd find the answer. I'm sorry that I'm so useless.

I hope you find peace.

Transitioning doesnt work because I'm too poor to afford every necessary procedure to pass 100% of the time, and i find genital scarring to be extremely fucking gross. Then there's the issue that I wasn't born start to finish and brought up female, which is another big issue that transitioning cannot solve. The procedure also takes 5 years, which by the time that happens, I will be about 40, which is around the time I would have CTB'd anyways. Transitioning literally accomplishes nothing. I will just look in the mirror and see an AMAB staring back at me.

My desire to be female stems from a physical matter. I don't like the male body, or any aspect of being male period. I don't like cocks, nuts or facial hair. My issue is not my gender expression. My issue is my body and the fact that I have been male from the beginning. That is traumatizing to me.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I have a note written out. I am starting to come to terms with the fact that I will CTB soon, and they won't be able to do anything about it.
I quit my hobbies cold turkey, My favorite genre of music makes me depressed, my triggers are everywhere (irl, TV, social media), I am unwilling to work or do anything with my life. It seems CTBing is the clear cut answer for me.

I'm right there with you. That's what I'm working towards. You already know we share one of the reasons, although I have about 11 more, too. I just don't have to worry (anymore) about hurting anyone, which I guess is a blessing in this regard, but not for having no one itself. My trigger, frankly, is just being here still.

 

[makethepainstop]

Of all people here I think I understand your feelings. I HATE me! I am too small,(think boy-sized not man-sized). To me if it aint at least 6'3 its a boy NOT a man! I am NOT platinum blond with blue eyes. I really do hate myself. Never had any problems getting laid, not considered unattractive to any else, just me. I know how you feel you just HATE yourself. Bro this I do understand.

 

[FuneralCry]

I personally think that there is no point to having any conversation about our suffering, it won't really achieve anything as others cannot see things from our point of view. With communication it's likely that we will just get our feelings invalidated and that can just make people feel worse. But it's understandable as to why you would feel so frustrated after having a conversation like that.