negi-maguro
New Member
- Mar 2, 2025
- 2
Vent about my parents.
I should have all the free time in the world now, but here I am making my first post in SaSu because I'm feeling horrible. Hello, I like to lurk here whenever I feel down, but I should start posting stuffs so I can search posts and stuffs. Sorry if I'm a bit square, I'm really not familiar with the forum format and I am really shy even on the internet. But I digress, what I want to say is that I'm currently not working, and yet I feel horrible. I have been a failure, but personally I'm in the camp of believing I should just try to enjoy life as it is a gift, even when it hurts. However, I just can't do this anymore as with every breath I take, I end up hurting myself and others with my failures. I never lived up to anyone, I am cowardly, and have given up. As I'm still living with my parents, this holiday I have all the time in the world to be with them or just hang around in my room, but its been miserable. Endless fights, my dad had just drive out of the house angrily because I fucked up and called me a coward, in which I didn't even grasp the whole situation which left me confused and extremely hurt. I guess I'm just dumb and, like he said, a coward. Something about moving a drawer caused all this. My point is, being home during the holidays sucks and it's sad that now I dread weekends and holidays.
Suicide has been in the back of my mind for a year or two, but this September is where I decided to really catch the bus. I had originally planned to kill myself in November, but that changed when I ended up attending Miku Expo Asia 2025 instead, which was really fun as it is my first time experiencing it, and Miku had only come once before in my 3rd world country. I went alone but made a post on Twitter asking if anyone wanted to attend together, and somehow I met a couple of guys. We decided to hang out and watch the concert together, which was really fun. Inside the venue, I was really happy and pretty much hyped to the point where I told them, "This is the single best experience of my life." They all just stared at me and kind of ignored the awkwardness, saying "awesome." Fast forward a month later and well that was really where my life peaked I guess. Now I feel horrible again and thinking I should plan something for 2026.
Going back to talking about the holidays, I am basically imprisoned in the house. I'm 24 now almost 25 and I probably should really leave the house, but I'm still being told around by my parents and I keep fucking things up. They're deeply ashamed and disappointed in me, so they often lash out. My job sucks I guess, and I can't find a new job or a scholarship, so I'm constantly confronted about this by my parents. They also really despise my hobbies. My room used to be filled with games, posters, figurines, and other cool stuff, but now, with all the ridicule from my parents and my depression (I guess), I don't have any decoration at all. I just don't have the energy to maintain them anymore. Every fucking hour in this house, I'm being bombarded with the idea that I'm a no-good person. That I'm craven, egotistic, untalented, dumb, etc.
I'm constally pressured and this shit is killing me, not the only thing making me to want to ctb btw. It's just that the constant agony of being with my parents is driving me insane, well not insane ig, it just hurts so badddddd. Not even a week into this holiday and I have been yelled and cursed at by both of my parents countless of times. My job sometimes sucks but before the holidays I could just come home late so I don't have to deal with them. Being home really sucks because I keep fighting with my parents. When I can come home early from work, I usually just go to the arcade and play maimai or iidx (which both I suck at) until it's like 8pm because my parents sleeps at 9. Now I can't even go out because they are locking me down to focus grinding scholarship essays and finding work (this is not the bad part, it just sucks but im doing it). I'm turning into a broken tape collector here but I just keep fucking things up and they keep finding stuffs to be mad at me at. it fucking sucks, it suckingn fucks, I fucking hate christmas, i fucking hate new years, almost no friends wishes me something or invite me to hang out, and the ones that did can't really do much againsts my parents. Like we're not even East Asian or hardcore Muslims, but somehow my parents are still strict as shit or they just find I suck ig (which I am). I guess going back to trying to have fun in life as it is a gift, I do not find it fun so much that I have wrote 900 words to vent. And yeah another point, I really suck at explaining and telling a story, sorry about that, this is another thing that my parents keep bringing up like how I suck at explainign stuffs and how I keep finding things wrong because I'm super stupid anf can't help myself to be better.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone. I'm not enjoying it but thank you letting me vent (sorry for my bad english). I feel like Ziggy Sobotka, RIP James Ransone.
I should have all the free time in the world now, but here I am making my first post in SaSu because I'm feeling horrible. Hello, I like to lurk here whenever I feel down, but I should start posting stuffs so I can search posts and stuffs. Sorry if I'm a bit square, I'm really not familiar with the forum format and I am really shy even on the internet. But I digress, what I want to say is that I'm currently not working, and yet I feel horrible. I have been a failure, but personally I'm in the camp of believing I should just try to enjoy life as it is a gift, even when it hurts. However, I just can't do this anymore as with every breath I take, I end up hurting myself and others with my failures. I never lived up to anyone, I am cowardly, and have given up. As I'm still living with my parents, this holiday I have all the time in the world to be with them or just hang around in my room, but its been miserable. Endless fights, my dad had just drive out of the house angrily because I fucked up and called me a coward, in which I didn't even grasp the whole situation which left me confused and extremely hurt. I guess I'm just dumb and, like he said, a coward. Something about moving a drawer caused all this. My point is, being home during the holidays sucks and it's sad that now I dread weekends and holidays.
Suicide has been in the back of my mind for a year or two, but this September is where I decided to really catch the bus. I had originally planned to kill myself in November, but that changed when I ended up attending Miku Expo Asia 2025 instead, which was really fun as it is my first time experiencing it, and Miku had only come once before in my 3rd world country. I went alone but made a post on Twitter asking if anyone wanted to attend together, and somehow I met a couple of guys. We decided to hang out and watch the concert together, which was really fun. Inside the venue, I was really happy and pretty much hyped to the point where I told them, "This is the single best experience of my life." They all just stared at me and kind of ignored the awkwardness, saying "awesome." Fast forward a month later and well that was really where my life peaked I guess. Now I feel horrible again and thinking I should plan something for 2026.
Going back to talking about the holidays, I am basically imprisoned in the house. I'm 24 now almost 25 and I probably should really leave the house, but I'm still being told around by my parents and I keep fucking things up. They're deeply ashamed and disappointed in me, so they often lash out. My job sucks I guess, and I can't find a new job or a scholarship, so I'm constantly confronted about this by my parents. They also really despise my hobbies. My room used to be filled with games, posters, figurines, and other cool stuff, but now, with all the ridicule from my parents and my depression (I guess), I don't have any decoration at all. I just don't have the energy to maintain them anymore. Every fucking hour in this house, I'm being bombarded with the idea that I'm a no-good person. That I'm craven, egotistic, untalented, dumb, etc.
I'm constally pressured and this shit is killing me, not the only thing making me to want to ctb btw. It's just that the constant agony of being with my parents is driving me insane, well not insane ig, it just hurts so badddddd. Not even a week into this holiday and I have been yelled and cursed at by both of my parents countless of times. My job sometimes sucks but before the holidays I could just come home late so I don't have to deal with them. Being home really sucks because I keep fighting with my parents. When I can come home early from work, I usually just go to the arcade and play maimai or iidx (which both I suck at) until it's like 8pm because my parents sleeps at 9. Now I can't even go out because they are locking me down to focus grinding scholarship essays and finding work (this is not the bad part, it just sucks but im doing it). I'm turning into a broken tape collector here but I just keep fucking things up and they keep finding stuffs to be mad at me at. it fucking sucks, it suckingn fucks, I fucking hate christmas, i fucking hate new years, almost no friends wishes me something or invite me to hang out, and the ones that did can't really do much againsts my parents. Like we're not even East Asian or hardcore Muslims, but somehow my parents are still strict as shit or they just find I suck ig (which I am). I guess going back to trying to have fun in life as it is a gift, I do not find it fun so much that I have wrote 900 words to vent. And yeah another point, I really suck at explaining and telling a story, sorry about that, this is another thing that my parents keep bringing up like how I suck at explainign stuffs and how I keep finding things wrong because I'm super stupid anf can't help myself to be better.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone. I'm not enjoying it but thank you letting me vent (sorry for my bad english). I feel like Ziggy Sobotka, RIP James Ransone.
