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wait i'm goated
- Feb 12, 2023
- 302
i always find something to be sad about and i hate myself for being like that. i'm pretty sure it's the loneliness that's doing this to me. being isolated and friendless is making my life so bleak. i was always extremely depressed and suicidal, but it was more tolerable when i had friends. i could still feel a bit of joy, but there's nothing there anymore. i have no one to share anything with, so i don't really care. i've accomplished some cool things and great things have happened, but i don't really care. i'm proud of myself for a moment, but it becomes really dull once i realize that i'm celebrating by myself. any positive moment or feeling is completely ruined by this loneliness. i think i've yapped about this shit before, i don't know.
i hate holidays, they're just even bigger reminders of how lonely i am. i miss sharing gifts with my friends or just talking to them for the rest of the day. now, i usually just celebrate with my family for a couple hours, then sit alone in my room for the rest of the day. i'm dreading christmas. i don't want anything, i just don't care about anything, i don't care about the things that i used to love/be interested in, and i don't need anything. i don't want to spend an hour pretending to care about these items my family felt obligated to buy me, all just to spend the rest of the day feeling guilty because i didn't care about the gifts.
i'm still deteriorating at a ridiculous rate, i'm surprised i haven't disintegrated or something. i have constant nosebleeds now, which is pretty new. the ringing in my ears has gotten worse, same with the constant aching and nausea. it's still very difficult to eat, but i know the malnutrition is just worsening my symptoms. i can never think straight, my memory is completely cooked and i feel so disoriented all of the time. i can still take care of myself, but it's difficult and exhausting. i still take care of basic hygiene needs because i get extremely anxious whenever i don't fulfill those tasks. i've been cooking healthy food for myself, but it's still hard to eat. i actually enjoy cooking, but it still makes me really sad. i can't do anything without remembering how i sad i am about other things. everything just sucks, i'm not interested in anything because everything just reminds me of how sad and lonely i am. i'm tired of being told how to find friends. i know how to find friends, i've done it before. all of those friendships have ended and that ruined my already-cooked life. there's something inherently wrong with me and idk what it is, everyone just leaves no matter what i do. even if they don't completely leave, they replace me with someone else and talk to me less and less. i really miss my friends, i feel like i can't do anything anymore. i've tried meeting new people, but it doesn't work out. i don't really want new friends, anyway; i just want my old friends back. everything just sucks. i want to cry again, but i have a lot to do.
even typing all this nonsense out is so exhausting. trying to form a coherent thought takes everything out of me.
i hate holidays, they're just even bigger reminders of how lonely i am. i miss sharing gifts with my friends or just talking to them for the rest of the day. now, i usually just celebrate with my family for a couple hours, then sit alone in my room for the rest of the day. i'm dreading christmas. i don't want anything, i just don't care about anything, i don't care about the things that i used to love/be interested in, and i don't need anything. i don't want to spend an hour pretending to care about these items my family felt obligated to buy me, all just to spend the rest of the day feeling guilty because i didn't care about the gifts.
i'm still deteriorating at a ridiculous rate, i'm surprised i haven't disintegrated or something. i have constant nosebleeds now, which is pretty new. the ringing in my ears has gotten worse, same with the constant aching and nausea. it's still very difficult to eat, but i know the malnutrition is just worsening my symptoms. i can never think straight, my memory is completely cooked and i feel so disoriented all of the time. i can still take care of myself, but it's difficult and exhausting. i still take care of basic hygiene needs because i get extremely anxious whenever i don't fulfill those tasks. i've been cooking healthy food for myself, but it's still hard to eat. i actually enjoy cooking, but it still makes me really sad. i can't do anything without remembering how i sad i am about other things. everything just sucks, i'm not interested in anything because everything just reminds me of how sad and lonely i am. i'm tired of being told how to find friends. i know how to find friends, i've done it before. all of those friendships have ended and that ruined my already-cooked life. there's something inherently wrong with me and idk what it is, everyone just leaves no matter what i do. even if they don't completely leave, they replace me with someone else and talk to me less and less. i really miss my friends, i feel like i can't do anything anymore. i've tried meeting new people, but it doesn't work out. i don't really want new friends, anyway; i just want my old friends back. everything just sucks. i want to cry again, but i have a lot to do.
even typing all this nonsense out is so exhausting. trying to form a coherent thought takes everything out of me.
