I think there is a a lot of context needed. Would a less brutal punishment be possible? Or is it a yes or no question. There is also a question is death actually a punishment. I think for Epstein death was less of a punishment compared to a couple of decades as pedo criminal in US prisons.
Honestly, I think I don't want any of my enemies to be dead. At least the ones who I now in person. And who or not responsible for genocides all around the world. I won't mention names. Lol.
But yesterday I talked a lot about how I made myself some enemies recently. My former therapist who wants to cut me off from social programms with her lies in my medical records. She probably cannot do that. Notes of therapists are subjective. Whereas reports of clinic stays are more hard evidence. And damn I had a lot of them in the recent years.
I think the way I am socialized I could not kill someone directly. And I don't want to. But one could say one prays to God that someone dies. However, it is a huge difference between such a thought and actually carrying it out.
I had this thought not really because I had such fantasies. I had extreme arguments with my self-help group (they try to gaslight me) and with my therapist recently. How would I feel if they killed themselves because of this argument. It is extremely unlikely. But in both cases because I acted somewhat intelligent I am in the better position. My therapist might will get no punishment. But I am way more credible. She said she feels embarrassed due to my actions. Yes, because she acted extremely immoral in her role as therapist and I have hard evidence for that.
I think there is the master student in my self-help group. I think I hurt her. And I tried to see where she was coming from. She doesn't know when we dated and she rejected me in a brutal way I was in an acute suicidality clinic because of her. Some months later I realized she was dating 5 men at the same time behind the back of her boyfriend. And it slipped that I was an adventure for her all the time. I wasn't really angry at her for that. I thought it was my fault for being so naive. She has borderline. At first she liked me a lot but she played with me. And she manipulated me. I tried to settle a dispute in the self-help group. There are two women who bully each other. You know I was sort of judgemental in my head towards the master student. Because the way she acts towards her boyfriend is insane. The level of cheating is insane. It is only emotional but how she talked about him and the relationship. She treats it like dirt. And afterwards it slipped all of this for an adventure? I tried to be defensive. She became more and more aggressive towards me. My thought was when they go low we go high. I think in most cases this does not work. But it worked in this instance. In the way I defended myself I hurt her a lot I think. But I was with my back against the wall. And I don't let her bully me. This is what I have learned. Don't let people bully you. Because they will take advantage of that. And in my relation with my therapist I am scared I might showed too often that I am smarter than her. But it doesn't justify lying in my medical records to ruin my life.
I could imagine these people would want to see me dead. Maybe I am demonizing them. While I am pretending to be morally superior. At the same time maybe ruminating about all of this shows that I have some feelings for ethics. Or maybe I am only showing this side on this forum to feel morally superior while in reality I am actually not. I a,m creating a certain profile of me on here. This is something that bugged me in the self-help group. I couldn't talk honestly about how I was feeling because I knew if I showed weakness they would take advantage of it. And this isn't like a self-help group should be.
I don't think it was horrible to have hatred or anger at me. There are huge differences between vague hatred and concrete actions. Though, I think both of them would hurt me if they could because they actually tried.
I think there is one thing to consider. Whether the pain the other person is causing is acute or not. For example, you live at home and your parents torture you everyday. And the only way to escape it was violence. I think in such cases it is considered self-defense. The more nasty thing is resentment. Then it is simply not worth it. One can have such thoughts I hope this person never existed. I wish I never met the person. But when the contact stops the most healthy thing is to move on. I alos had the idea to rub it in the wounds of to the self-help group members. But I simply don't want to be such a person. I think it would not be good for my self-worth. Even though, I felt strong when I was able to defend myself in these heated arguments. I learned a lot from being bullied as a teenager. I think I am going to ghost these people. In fact I would consider it pathetic if I rubbed it in their wounds. This is something a loser would do or someone who is still hurt but cannot process it/or admit it. I feel sorry for other people they will bully. And I think the master student probably bullied a lot of people. From how I perceive her. We once talked about bullying and she said never in her life was she bullied. In the moment I asked this and the way she answered it my gut feeling told me that she was on the other side of the equation. And for these people I might had a victory. But I think in the end I showed her the mirror. And this must hurt a lot. It is also punishment when you play a charade in front of all the people you know. You hurt them and they never know your real personality. And then someone else sees through all of that, notices your real character and well the person shows you how much they judge you for it. I think I am a principled person. And I find her behavior horrible. On the other hand, I think she does not have a real chance to change herself if this is how she functions. The only chance she has it to hate herself for it. And this is a nasty choice. I deal with the same. But maybe I am projecting something into her mind. I am uncertain about it.
I think in this whole thread I am just judging other people while I portray myself as a saint. When I had a heated argument with my mom years ago I told her I hope she dies or rots in hell for abusing me. And that I hope I ruin her life when I kill myself. I was in a lot of pain to that time. I didn't take my medication. And I was in a very dark spot. I am glad our relationship improved. Since I identify myself more with autism I came to the conclusion. Maybe I am so lonely (no partner) not because I was abused which fucked me up completely. Maybe my autism would have ruined it anyway. And all men in my family have depression. I changed completely when I was 14. Like I was a new person. There was an extreme bullying incident that made me really paranoid with 14. This changed my brain chemistry. I was full of power, agitated and I became extremely motivated to work on my career/education a year after this incident. Before that I watched all the time trash TV with no limits. Retrospectively, a mixed manic-depressive episode started. And soon afterwards the suicidal thoughts started. And my mom still beated me up on a daily basis.
What do you think?
Honestly, I think I don't want any of my enemies to be dead. At least the ones who I now in person. And who or not responsible for genocides all around the world. I won't mention names. Lol.
But yesterday I talked a lot about how I made myself some enemies recently. My former therapist who wants to cut me off from social programms with her lies in my medical records. She probably cannot do that. Notes of therapists are subjective. Whereas reports of clinic stays are more hard evidence. And damn I had a lot of them in the recent years.
I think the way I am socialized I could not kill someone directly. And I don't want to. But one could say one prays to God that someone dies. However, it is a huge difference between such a thought and actually carrying it out.
I had this thought not really because I had such fantasies. I had extreme arguments with my self-help group (they try to gaslight me) and with my therapist recently. How would I feel if they killed themselves because of this argument. It is extremely unlikely. But in both cases because I acted somewhat intelligent I am in the better position. My therapist might will get no punishment. But I am way more credible. She said she feels embarrassed due to my actions. Yes, because she acted extremely immoral in her role as therapist and I have hard evidence for that.
I think there is the master student in my self-help group. I think I hurt her. And I tried to see where she was coming from. She doesn't know when we dated and she rejected me in a brutal way I was in an acute suicidality clinic because of her. Some months later I realized she was dating 5 men at the same time behind the back of her boyfriend. And it slipped that I was an adventure for her all the time. I wasn't really angry at her for that. I thought it was my fault for being so naive. She has borderline. At first she liked me a lot but she played with me. And she manipulated me. I tried to settle a dispute in the self-help group. There are two women who bully each other. You know I was sort of judgemental in my head towards the master student. Because the way she acts towards her boyfriend is insane. The level of cheating is insane. It is only emotional but how she talked about him and the relationship. She treats it like dirt. And afterwards it slipped all of this for an adventure? I tried to be defensive. She became more and more aggressive towards me. My thought was when they go low we go high. I think in most cases this does not work. But it worked in this instance. In the way I defended myself I hurt her a lot I think. But I was with my back against the wall. And I don't let her bully me. This is what I have learned. Don't let people bully you. Because they will take advantage of that. And in my relation with my therapist I am scared I might showed too often that I am smarter than her. But it doesn't justify lying in my medical records to ruin my life.
I could imagine these people would want to see me dead. Maybe I am demonizing them. While I am pretending to be morally superior. At the same time maybe ruminating about all of this shows that I have some feelings for ethics. Or maybe I am only showing this side on this forum to feel morally superior while in reality I am actually not. I a,m creating a certain profile of me on here. This is something that bugged me in the self-help group. I couldn't talk honestly about how I was feeling because I knew if I showed weakness they would take advantage of it. And this isn't like a self-help group should be.
I don't think it was horrible to have hatred or anger at me. There are huge differences between vague hatred and concrete actions. Though, I think both of them would hurt me if they could because they actually tried.
I think there is one thing to consider. Whether the pain the other person is causing is acute or not. For example, you live at home and your parents torture you everyday. And the only way to escape it was violence. I think in such cases it is considered self-defense. The more nasty thing is resentment. Then it is simply not worth it. One can have such thoughts I hope this person never existed. I wish I never met the person. But when the contact stops the most healthy thing is to move on. I alos had the idea to rub it in the wounds of to the self-help group members. But I simply don't want to be such a person. I think it would not be good for my self-worth. Even though, I felt strong when I was able to defend myself in these heated arguments. I learned a lot from being bullied as a teenager. I think I am going to ghost these people. In fact I would consider it pathetic if I rubbed it in their wounds. This is something a loser would do or someone who is still hurt but cannot process it/or admit it. I feel sorry for other people they will bully. And I think the master student probably bullied a lot of people. From how I perceive her. We once talked about bullying and she said never in her life was she bullied. In the moment I asked this and the way she answered it my gut feeling told me that she was on the other side of the equation. And for these people I might had a victory. But I think in the end I showed her the mirror. And this must hurt a lot. It is also punishment when you play a charade in front of all the people you know. You hurt them and they never know your real personality. And then someone else sees through all of that, notices your real character and well the person shows you how much they judge you for it. I think I am a principled person. And I find her behavior horrible. On the other hand, I think she does not have a real chance to change herself if this is how she functions. The only chance she has it to hate herself for it. And this is a nasty choice. I deal with the same. But maybe I am projecting something into her mind. I am uncertain about it.
I think in this whole thread I am just judging other people while I portray myself as a saint. When I had a heated argument with my mom years ago I told her I hope she dies or rots in hell for abusing me. And that I hope I ruin her life when I kill myself. I was in a lot of pain to that time. I didn't take my medication. And I was in a very dark spot. I am glad our relationship improved. Since I identify myself more with autism I came to the conclusion. Maybe I am so lonely (no partner) not because I was abused which fucked me up completely. Maybe my autism would have ruined it anyway. And all men in my family have depression. I changed completely when I was 14. Like I was a new person. There was an extreme bullying incident that made me really paranoid with 14. This changed my brain chemistry. I was full of power, agitated and I became extremely motivated to work on my career/education a year after this incident. Before that I watched all the time trash TV with no limits. Retrospectively, a mixed manic-depressive episode started. And soon afterwards the suicidal thoughts started. And my mom still beated me up on a daily basis.
What do you think?
