Venting “would you kill yourself if i left?”

[3FailedAttemptss]

today was my 2 month anniversary with my boyfriend and i came home feeling like i just want to kill myself and quit while i'm ahead.

the day itself was actually nice. we got ramen together, walked around for hours, talked about random things, upcoming events, people in our lives, and future plans. for a while it felt like a normal anniversary. then the conversation got heavy. a lot of what we talked about was my mental health and the situation with my SN. he told me how much stress it has been causing him and i immediately started apologizing because i feel like i put him in that position. he said it wasn't entirely my fault, but i couldn't stop feeling responsible. if you trace back the chain of events far enough, it feels like everything leads back to me. the hardest part was hearing him talk about being afraid of becoming my only tether to life. this has been one of his biggest concerns for a long time. he brought up previous relationships where he felt pressured to hold someone together and how badly that affected him. he told me more than once that this wasn't him breaking up with me and that he loves me, but that somehow almost made it hurt more because i could tell how worried he was. he even told me that his mother had warned him about the possibility that i might kill myself if he left. hearing that made me feel sick. because the horrible truth is that i don't know if she's wrong. when he asked me directly if i would ctb if we broke up, i couldn't give him an answer. i'm impulsive and i genuinely don't know. i know that's terrifying to hear. i know that's an unfair thing for another person to carry. i know he's only 18 years old and i'm sorry that someone who loves me has to worry about things like this at all.

we also talked about people being too unwell for relationships. i pointed at myself and basically asked if i was one of those people. i don't think i had ever seriously considered it before. i've always known i'm mentally ill, but somehow it never occurred to me that i might fit into that category. whether he meant it that way or not, i walked away feeling like i do. the thing that keeps replaying in my head is that none of this came out of nowhere. months ago he told me he didn't want to be my only tether. today he said it again. he wants me to have more people in my life, more support, more connections. logically i know he's right. emotionally all i hear is confirmation that i'm too much.

later in the day things got lighter. we sat in a park, drank a little, talked about treatment, our lives, stupid things online, and for a while i actually felt okay. i told him that i've genuinely gotten better over the past few months, which is true. i have clinicians. i have treatment teams. objectively i have more support than i used to. he acknowledged that too.

but now i'm home and all i can think about is how much pressure i put on the people around me. i keep thinking about how much guilt i feel for making someone i love carry fears like this. i keep wondering if i'm the exact kind of person people warn others about. i keep
wondering if everyone would be better off if i just quit while i'm ahead before i hurt anyone else. i don't know. maybe i'm catastrophizing. maybe i'm taking a conversation about boundaries and turning it into proof that i'm fundamentally broken. but right now i feel ashamed, guilty, scared, and exhausted.

i WILL kill myself when he leaves which is exactly what hes worried about but also like it makes me want to kill myself now while we're still together so i can quit while im ahead and avoid an uncomfortable situation and also i feel like it makes things easier for my bf since he might not feel the guilt of being "responsible" for my suicide if i kill myself whike we're together…

has anyone else ever been in a situation where someone they loved was afraid of becoming their only reason to stay alive? what did you do? how do you stop feeling like a burden when the people around you are clearly worried about you? im just scared of losing him, if i do i know it'll end with my neck on the tracks

 

[3FailedAttemptss]

bump QwQ

 

[settling]

in my opinion its a form of emotional blackmail to say "if you do x ill kill myself", but simply acknowledging the fact that a person you love is your only reason to live isn't.
if i were you, id wield this love you have for this person and use it to get better yourself. you have a good thing going on with him it seems, ive read your posts before and you both seem to be dealing with similar problems, and you seem to both love each other very much. have you ever watched the anime "welcome to nhk"?
ultimately. this is all your own very personal choice and no one elses, this is your business, your body, your life &c. if i were you id make your feelings transparent but also make it transparent that ultimately it is not his burden to carry the weight of your situation.

has anyone else ever been in a situation where someone they loved was afraid of becoming their only reason to stay alive? what did you do? how do you stop feeling like a burden when the people around you are clearly worried about you? im just scared of losing him, if i do i know it'll end with my neck on the tracks

at the other end, honestly if you feel like youre hurting him and you describe yourself as "too unwell for relationships", and if you feel like your breakup + suicide is inevitable why not just rip off the baind-aid now and break up with him? if both paths inevitably lead to suicide then you might as well just do it right now. i think i speak for all of us on this forum that the last thing we all want is to leave a bigger mess.
good luck

 

[3FailedAttemptss]

in my opinion its a form of emotional blackmail to say "if you do x ill kill myself", but simply acknowledging the fact that a person you love is your only reason to live isn't.
if i were you, id wield this love you have for this person and use it to get better yourself. you have a good thing going on with him it seems, ive read your posts before and you both seem to be dealing with similar problems, and you seem to both love each other very much. have you ever watched the anime "welcome to nhk"?
ultimately. this is all your own very personal choice and no one elses, this is your business, your body, your life &c. if i were you id make your feelings transparent but also make it transparent that ultimately it is not his burden to carry the weight of your situation.


at the other end, honestly if you feel like youre hurting him and you describe yourself as "too unwell for relationships", and if you feel like your breakup + suicide is inevitable why not just rip off the baind-aid now and break up with him? if both paths inevitably lead to suicide then you might as well just do it right now. i think i speak for all of us on this forum that the last thing we all want is to leave a bigger mess.
good luck

i have never and will never threaten my bf with my suicide, this is a worry he's reached on his own and it scares both of us… and i am trying to get better and i feel hes really helped me in that regard, ive been significantly better over the last little while and he sees this. this is a trajectory i'd like to continue, but the foundation of my well being is built on my bf, and yesterday a little crack appeared in that foundation…

i love him with all my being, to no end, he means the world to me and it hurts me that i'm unintentionally placing him in an uncomfortable position and involving him in my suicide. i think my problems are a little more severe than his, at least im somewhat actively suicidal and SH etc. and he's not. though we're both schizophrenics and have voices that tell us to kill ourselves... it's hard to think he loves me right now but he said so multiple times yesterday and reiterated that the whole conversation wasnt a long breakup speech.

its funny you mention 'welcome to the nhk', i literally explained what it was to my bf yesterday cause im afraid of us ending up in such a dynamic.

transparency worries me though, i dont feel like anything's come of it, i have been and will most likely continue to tell him everything though, warts and all. i mean he knows about sodium nitrite because of me, not just that he knows hes literally in possession of my own sn. so fucked up… but i cannot and will not be transparent about the fact that i will ctb if he drops me, i dont feel like transparency in that case benefits anyone and as you said its a form of emotional blackmail which i will not engage with.

as for breaking up now, i dont really agree. i dont want to lose him, and more importantly i dont think the relationship itself is the problem. if anything, being with him has coincided with some of the biggest improvements ive made in a long time. the issue is that ive built too much of my emotional stability around one person. those are related problems, but they arent the same thing.

that being said, i will admit i was at the tracks today… with the exact mindset you laid out, might as well rip the bandaid off or quit while im ahead. i didnt feel ready though and i didnt have my goodbyes in order which ultimately stopped me from acting. my thinking was that if i kill myself in response to him breaking up with me that places immense guilt on him so maybe it'd be more comfortable if i just ctb now instead, then hopefully it wont destroy him as much. ctb also just scares me or rather losing him scares me and the finality me initiating a break up gives me a gut-wrenching feeling

it just sucks too realize that yeah, i probably am too mentally ill to be in a relationship and now that i am, i never want to go back to before, id rather ctb. or i would've ctb'd many times over if not for my bf. it scares me that we might be incompatible, or perhaps im incompatible with every human ever.

but i dont want more tethers, i dont want more people in my life, i just want him and that really disturbs my boyfriend, hes told me multiple times he doesnt want to be my only tether to life. so i guess thats another thing i cant be honest about…

anyway, thank you for the response