Venting Work and the rat race

[BlueVolt]

Hi everyone,

I would like to start a topic about work in this capitalist world because I think this aspect of life often makes me want to CTB.

To sum up, I have never been able to keep a normal job, I avoided it for a long time by very long studies (it's hard but you can have your own rythm and this made the difference for me).

I suffer from several mental illnesses and this causes me chronic exhaustion, I think I had a burn-out when I was a student and now I am not able to focus anymore. It's like every effort that I make requires an incredible amount of rest. And of course this amount is not compatible with a full-time job. I tried and it lasted only a few months, then I had the biggest depression of my life and tried to CTB.
I don't know why I am like this, my illnesses are not specifically work-related but this is still my main trigger.

Now I am unemployed and seen as disabled (officially I mean) but I still need to find a job some day and I know I cannot run the rat race. I always think that I am lazy and weak, that everyone suffers and I am complaining for nothing but really I don't want to live a life of constant suffering because of a job. I don't think this is a life worth living and if this is the only solution I don't want it.

So if some people here relate, I would be happy to share about this topic. Maybe some of us encountered the same problems and found a solution.

 

[nobodycaresaboutme]

Hi,
I really feel you. I am also unemployed too because I burned out in the previous workplace. If you are not feeling ready, you don't have to find a job. You are not lazy but suffering. Are there any government welfare programs in your country? If you're struggling to make ends meet, they'll help you solve financial worries. Then you can focus on dealing with your mental health issues. I wish you the best. Sending a hug

 

[BlueVolt]

Hi,
I really feel you. I am also unemployed too because I burned out in the previous workplace. If you are not feeling ready, you don't have to find a job. You are not lazy but suffering. Are there any government welfare programs in your country? If you're struggling to make ends meet, they'll help you solve financial worries. Then you can focus on dealing with your mental health issues. I wish you the best. Sending a hug

Hi !
Sorry to read that you burned out. I hope you'll find a better job some day if that's what you want !
Yes, I am in a country known for its welfare programs and this may have saved my life.
I don't have financial worries (for now). It's just that I know I will never be able to work full-time. It's just too much, in terms of the energy it requires. I really want to work though. I won't recover from my mental health issues, I can just manage the symptoms and try to have a good life anyway (which is already a lot !).
I really want to do something meaningful and useful but everyone (even people with no mental illnesses) seems to suffer from their work, either because of a lack of meaning or because of the pressure. Around me there are so many people who are destroyed by their work, and some of them were also thinking about CTB mainly because of it. This seems to be a global problem in this society.

Maybe there is a place for me somewhere but for now I feel lost.
Thank you for your support

 

[Lions303]

Well whats your dream? What do you want to be doing? Trust you don't just 'want to be working', you may feel that right now and can completely understand, if you just have anything what will happen is you will want nothing more but to want to not work.

 

[derpyderpins]

Having to do normal life is a constant struggle for me, so I feel you.

I've had burnout to varying degrees probably since I was 19. I've remained "high functioning," but my neurodivergence is a major hindrance that people don't understand. I have dealt with a lot of the same doubts and guilt about being "lazy" and whatnot. Basically it's executive functioning issues. I'm a lawyer, and I can write a beautiful argument that considers things other people wouldn't think of and when I'm zoned in I can get them done relatively quickly; but a short email I have to respond to can cost me hours of stress. People don't get it, and it's hard to explain. A lot about it is insufficient time for rest, and incompatibility with regular working schedules and the 9-5. I got fired from a job a couple years ago because of my inefficiency dropping, which now is something that will be in the back of my mind, and I have to have anxiety that my not doing some small task will have huge consequences.

I haven't found a fix. But one solace for me over the past couple years is understanding myself better and how my struggles connect to the state of the world. As you said, I think more and more people are running into this type of issue. It's given me some comfort to personally research and consider why that is. Also, as someone who never got mental health treatment until my late 20s, and therefore no formal diagnosis at a young age, I've gotten a lot of assurance by introspecting and evaluating my past for why I behaved the way I behaved or had the issues I had.

I guess the other thing is that while I haven't found a fix I'm still here. I got married, I've kept my current job for two years, I own a house, etc. Now, it could be argued that that's a sad thing considering how much of my life I've been depressed and suicidal, but it's at least some evidence of the potential of managing symptoms and finding a niche.

It is really hard, though. Your dollar goes nowhere, motivation is minimal, hours never come down despite tech advances. That is deflating, but be sure that you take the positive spin as well: it makes sense to struggle to figure things out. You aren't messed up or hopeless just for not fitting in that system. Yes, through all of history, and through every type of civilization, work has been needed, and we have it easier in many ways now, but we also have struggles no other era has had that we don't fully understand. Yes, to stay alive (and actually live) we've got to work. But, struggling is unfortunately an expectation, not a condemnation.

 

[BlueVolt]

Well whats your dream? What do you want to be doing? Trust you don't just 'want to be working', you may feel that right now and can completely understand, if you just have anything what will happen is you will want nothing more but to want to not work.

True. That's why I hope to do something I like someday and I have ideas. I found something like « a dream job » according to a lot of people so it's difficult to not be guilty about it.
But more generally our working conditions (at least in my country) are getting worse and it's becoming more and more difficult to find something good.

Having to do normal life is a constant struggle for me, so I feel you.

I've had burnout to varying degrees probably since I was 19. I've remained "high functioning," but my neurodivergence is a major hindrance that people don't understand. I have dealt with a lot of the same doubts and guilt about being "lazy" and whatnot. Basically it's executive functioning issues. I'm a lawyer, and I can write a beautiful argument that considers things other people wouldn't think of and when I'm zoned in I can get them done relatively quickly; but a short email I have to respond to can cost me hours of stress. People don't get it, and it's hard to explain. A lot about it is insufficient time for rest, and incompatibility with regular working schedules and the 9-5. I got fired from a job a couple years ago because of my inefficiency dropping, which now is something that will be in the back of my mind, and I have to have anxiety that my not doing some small task will have huge consequences.

I haven't found a fix. But one solace for me over the past couple years is understanding myself better and how my struggles connect to the state of the world. As you said, I think more and more people are running into this type of issue. It's given me some comfort to personally research and consider why that is. Also, as someone who never got mental health treatment until my late 20s, and therefore no formal diagnosis at a young age, I've gotten a lot of assurance by introspecting and evaluating my past for why I behaved the way I behaved or had the issues I had.

I guess the other thing is that while I haven't found a fix I'm still here. I got married, I've kept my current job for two years, I own a house, etc. Now, it could be argued that that's a sad thing considering how much of my life I've been depressed and suicidal, but it's at least some evidence of the potential of managing symptoms and finding a niche.

It is really hard, though. Your dollar goes nowhere, motivation is minimal, hours never come down despite tech advances. That is deflating, but be sure that you take the positive spin as well: it makes sense to struggle to figure things out. You aren't messed up or hopeless just for not fitting in that system. Yes, through all of history, and through every type of civilization, work has been needed, and we have it easier in many ways now, but we also have struggles no other era has had that we don't fully understand. Yes, to stay alive (and actually live) we've got to work. But, struggling is unfortunately an expectation, not a condemnation.

I feel you too. I suffer from executive dysfunction as well and it's sometimes a nightmare (especially because I have no explanation and I'm still partly in a diagnosis wandering).

I'm so sorry that you had to get through all of this but it's very reassuring to see that you've found some kind of niche. I suppose that being in a demanding work environment like the one of lawyers must also have contributed to a feeling of loneliness in the face of your difficulties.

Work has been needed in every civilisation but I think now it's in a particularly twisted way : moral values are linked to it more than ever and it's a lot of pressure, as you say despite tech advances the conditions are worse than a few years ago, and personnaly I struggle mainly with the lack of meaning.
I cannot stand the idea that I'm working only to increase someone else's money. This idea is unbearable for me and for a lot of people. I need some purpose.

I guess this is also very complicated because work and identity are related in our society, and my identity and my goals shift all the time. I have only one stable idea and I'm trying to take this path.

 

[derpyderpins]

I feel you too. I suffer from executive dysfunction as well and it's sometimes a nightmare (especially because I have no explanation and I'm still partly in a diagnosis wandering).

I fear that in my experience a diagnosis or specific explanation isn't really helpful anyway. At least in my neck of the woods and my line of work, you can see in people's eyes when you say that stuff that they just see it as weakness, not a different way of processing things that can be worked with. You have to compensate by providing value in another way to make up for it.

I'm so sorry that you had to get through all of this but it's very reassuring to see that you've found some kind of niche. I suppose that being in a demanding work environment like the one of lawyers must also have contributed to a feeling of loneliness in the face of your difficulties.

Yeah. . . if I figured this stuff out about myself earlier I probably would have chosen a different path. I started to realize I had depression probably in my late teens (although I was first suicidal at 11), first really started to accept it as a type of mental illness in my 20s, and only started seriously considering the implications of me being neurodiverse over the past year or two. I put myself in a lot of sub-optimal situations.

Work has been needed in every civilisation but I think now it's in a particularly twisted way : moral values are linked to it more than ever and it's a lot of pressure, as you say despite tech advances the conditions are worse than a few years ago, and personnaly I struggle mainly with the lack of meaning.
I cannot stand the idea that I'm working only to increase someone else's money. This idea is unbearable for me and for a lot of people. I need some purpose.

I guess this is also very complicated because work and identity are related in our society, and my identity and my goals shift all the time. I have only one stable idea and I'm trying to take this path.

If I can try to help you figure things out younger than I did: I really think for people who see work the way we do and see the system in place around us as absurd, the goal you should settle on is something along the lines of "being on the path of figuring out a purpose." I know that sounds vague and idealistic, but realizing how much you don't know (by "you," I'd include the royal "we") is liberating and instantly gives you something you'll endlessly strive towards, knowing that you never will reach the endpoint, but moving along the path is the goal itself.

 

[BlueVolt]

I fear that in my experience a diagnosis or specific explanation isn't really helpful anyway. At least in my neck of the woods and my line of work, you can see in people's eyes when you say that stuff that they just see it as weakness, not a different way of processing things that can be worked with. You have to compensate by providing value in another way to make up for it.

Yeah, I am stuck to the diagnosis stuff because I still stuggle with guilt and the main one that I have does not provide (all) the explanations that I need, but it's useless as I will always question it. In my country a lot of mental health professionals are really bad, they are often influenced by psychoanalysis and they are not always aware of the recent progress in their own field. So yes, I should adopt your point of view.
I've always avoided the kind of environment you described, I was in the academic reasearch in which « outliers » (don't know if it's the right word) are common and it crashed quickly in a more standard place.
How do you manage to compensate ? I think I do less than other people because I like so many stuffs and it's impossible to constrain my mind on only one topic for hours and hours as it is required at work.

Yeah. . . if I figured this stuff out about myself earlier I probably would have chosen a different path. I started to realize I had depression probably in my late teens (although I was first suicidal at 11), first really started to accept it as a type of mental illness in my 20s, and only started seriously considering the implications of me being neurodiverse over the past year or two. I put myself in a lot of sub-optimal situations.

Like you, I think I would have thought differently and made other choices if I had been more aware of my situation. But on my side, there was also denial.
Also, we talk a lot more about mental illnesses and neurodivergences now, so I think that during our childhood or adolescence it was difficult to admit our difficulties and to have a representation (in the media for example) that could have inspired us to make better choices.

If I can try to help you figure things out younger than I did: I really think for people who see work the way we do and see the system in place around us as absurd, the goal you should settle on is something along the lines of "being on the path of figuring out a purpose." I know that sounds vague and idealistic, but realizing how much you don't know (by "you," I'd include the royal "we") is liberating and instantly gives you something you'll endlessly strive towards, knowing that you never will reach the endpoint, but moving along the path is the goal itself.

I know what you mean and I think this is what it did unconsciously. I was supposed to « settle on » this year and the idea was unbereable. I imagine my career (I hate this word) with constant turnarouds. It's just that I need to stick on something (in the work field) a bit more, because, I mean, I don't want to be homeless or in a precarious situation.

 

[broken serenity]

I liked the point about realizing how much we don't actually know, and how that can sustain you. I definitely feel a lot more ok about everything after realizing that. It kinda refreshed my curiosity about life. Specifically, my brain. Like, it's so cool to get into mindfulness and meditation practices and explore different headspaces. I feel sorta inspired by it. I don't think it'll keep me around forever but it's enough to have made me way less hurried with my ticket acquisition.

Definitely don't wanna work with allistic adults anymore. Not worth the hassle. That's why I'm happy I'm not ctb this year cuz if the economy is bad, then I get to be unemployed *and* it seems kinda normal. If we were doing well I'd be trapped in an office being bullied 5 or more days a week.

Lately, if I've got insomnia bad and can't sit still, I'll commute to Manhattan at sunrise. It's nice to listen to music, all dressed up, and just vibe on the train looking at the scenery. I like that the J train is above-ground a lot of the trip. Seeing the graffiti, the water, and eventually just exploring the city.
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