Yeah, I am doing this once again. I re-started my dating app accounts. At least I have updated it now and only the horrible swiping begins. I was ghosted by a woman a month and I miss her a lot. I try to move on.
I am not in a good place mentally. Moreover, we have serious issues in my family.
For a long time I tried to fight against the odds. I had the feeling the game was rigged against me from the start. But I still fought back.
I come from a very uneducated family. Parents that abuse their children. With 15 I wanted to change my life. I started studying very hard and lost 35 kilogram within a year. I didn't realize this was part of a mixed-hypomanic episode. It crashed into a psychosis 3 years later. I make it short. I had so many setbacks in my life. But I always tried to stand up again. Not since 2 years I realized it doesn't make much sense to participate in a fight you cannot win. In the end all my attempts to go to college deteriorated my mental health significantly. It almost made me kill myself.
I am tired of all of this. I still have some savings. I am still able to survive despite the fact financially we are increasingly with the back against the wall. Others have it probably worse though. I think I accepted that there is no other outcome than a rational suicide most likely. I tried everything I wanted to try. Most of the things backfired. I see so many structural problems getting worse. And it really makes me uncomfortable.
Always when I participated in rat races I wanted to be really good. I wanted to be the best in school. I wanted to be the best in college. But now retrospectively I have to say everything was in vain. And this was easy to anticipate. I have to say it was probably good that I tried it. But I should have stopped prior to my almost suicide attempt.
Most of you might thing okay how shall someone like you make it on a dating app. Honestly, I have dated some women in the last years. Sometimes I had really good conversations and I enjoyed the contact a lot. I have made some experiences. Obviously I hide what is going on in my mind. Especially, the part about suicide. There are also women out there who have a difficult hand in life. I notice though my dating profile is not good enough to get that many likes. I think I look above average but maybe my pictures could be better. I hate taking pictures.
I try to survive from one moment to the next moment. This will fuck me in the longrun. But fighting back led me into an even worse predicament. I have the feeling I tend to have the desire to win the rat races I choose. But I try to be careful in my selection. People online try to accumulate instagram followers, they try to make the most money for example by daytrading which often backfires spectacularly, people want to enhance their outer appearance no matter what it costs. I don't want having to deal with all of this. Most of that is a shallow existence and often doesn't work out. And you will be imprisoned in your own misery because you always compare yourself with people that are better than you. Personally, I want to be genuine in what I do. I think I glad to be part of a nice community. Even when it is about something that mundane like being one of the biggest mass poster in the biggest pro-choice suicide forum on the internet. I know people on here told me that I waste my talents. But honestly my mental health is so fragile that it collapses even under moderate pressure. There is no realistic scenario in which I am able to secure a stable income by working....this won't happen. Except they develop medication that works like benzos but without the addiction issues.
So here I am posting once again. The time clock is ticking. And I am wasting my life away. This is all I can do seemingly. It is not what I would recommend anyone else to do. But seemingly that's the only option for me. I am rotting away...
I am not in a good place mentally. Moreover, we have serious issues in my family.
For a long time I tried to fight against the odds. I had the feeling the game was rigged against me from the start. But I still fought back.
I come from a very uneducated family. Parents that abuse their children. With 15 I wanted to change my life. I started studying very hard and lost 35 kilogram within a year. I didn't realize this was part of a mixed-hypomanic episode. It crashed into a psychosis 3 years later. I make it short. I had so many setbacks in my life. But I always tried to stand up again. Not since 2 years I realized it doesn't make much sense to participate in a fight you cannot win. In the end all my attempts to go to college deteriorated my mental health significantly. It almost made me kill myself.
I am tired of all of this. I still have some savings. I am still able to survive despite the fact financially we are increasingly with the back against the wall. Others have it probably worse though. I think I accepted that there is no other outcome than a rational suicide most likely. I tried everything I wanted to try. Most of the things backfired. I see so many structural problems getting worse. And it really makes me uncomfortable.
Always when I participated in rat races I wanted to be really good. I wanted to be the best in school. I wanted to be the best in college. But now retrospectively I have to say everything was in vain. And this was easy to anticipate. I have to say it was probably good that I tried it. But I should have stopped prior to my almost suicide attempt.
Most of you might thing okay how shall someone like you make it on a dating app. Honestly, I have dated some women in the last years. Sometimes I had really good conversations and I enjoyed the contact a lot. I have made some experiences. Obviously I hide what is going on in my mind. Especially, the part about suicide. There are also women out there who have a difficult hand in life. I notice though my dating profile is not good enough to get that many likes. I think I look above average but maybe my pictures could be better. I hate taking pictures.
I try to survive from one moment to the next moment. This will fuck me in the longrun. But fighting back led me into an even worse predicament. I have the feeling I tend to have the desire to win the rat races I choose. But I try to be careful in my selection. People online try to accumulate instagram followers, they try to make the most money for example by daytrading which often backfires spectacularly, people want to enhance their outer appearance no matter what it costs. I don't want having to deal with all of this. Most of that is a shallow existence and often doesn't work out. And you will be imprisoned in your own misery because you always compare yourself with people that are better than you. Personally, I want to be genuine in what I do. I think I glad to be part of a nice community. Even when it is about something that mundane like being one of the biggest mass poster in the biggest pro-choice suicide forum on the internet. I know people on here told me that I waste my talents. But honestly my mental health is so fragile that it collapses even under moderate pressure. There is no realistic scenario in which I am able to secure a stable income by working....this won't happen. Except they develop medication that works like benzos but without the addiction issues.
So here I am posting once again. The time clock is ticking. And I am wasting my life away. This is all I can do seemingly. It is not what I would recommend anyone else to do. But seemingly that's the only option for me. I am rotting away...
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