Zvetok26
Member
- Jun 7, 2022
- 59
"I'm glad I didn't send you to a psychiatric ward back then. You would have just learned to run there at the slightest thing and become dependent on it. And at 18, it's probably normal to self-harm, you're still immature at that age. And look: I was right; look at yourself today, you've gotten over it. You know, they shape people so much in the psych ward that you don't even recognize them anymore."
Those were the wonderful words my mother said to me today. No, Mom, I'm not over it. Not at all. I've just learned to mask really really well because I couldn't stand your comments back then about how immature and sensitive I was. Oh, and dramatic.
I still remember, when I was 17 and she said to me, how silly my self-harm is because she had such a rough childhood herself and she would've never ever thought about hurting herself. She then sighed and said "that must be the genes of your dad. They all are crazy on his family side." Even today she mentioned how proud she is that finally her genes in me won and I stopped being so silly (aka self-harming)
I've been cutting myself since I was 16, have had concrete suicidal thoughts since I was 11. Before that I've always wanted to "disappear" and had regular outburst beating myself. My lovely mother ignored those, she would walk out of the room pretending nothing was happening. But sure, I'll "grow out of it"…why the hell didn't you want to help me? "Personal responsibility" or what? I was a teenager—I had hope back then that I'd be saved. But there was no one there. Never.
And I hate the idea that I'm still "immature." I'm ashamed that I could use help both then and now. I'm slowly dragging myself forward, and I hope I can manage to build myself a quiet little place. I really want to get away from here.
I'm feeling so sad and overwhelmed right now. And lonely, yeah, that's the right word.
Those were the wonderful words my mother said to me today. No, Mom, I'm not over it. Not at all. I've just learned to mask really really well because I couldn't stand your comments back then about how immature and sensitive I was. Oh, and dramatic.
I still remember, when I was 17 and she said to me, how silly my self-harm is because she had such a rough childhood herself and she would've never ever thought about hurting herself. She then sighed and said "that must be the genes of your dad. They all are crazy on his family side." Even today she mentioned how proud she is that finally her genes in me won and I stopped being so silly (aka self-harming)
I've been cutting myself since I was 16, have had concrete suicidal thoughts since I was 11. Before that I've always wanted to "disappear" and had regular outburst beating myself. My lovely mother ignored those, she would walk out of the room pretending nothing was happening. But sure, I'll "grow out of it"…why the hell didn't you want to help me? "Personal responsibility" or what? I was a teenager—I had hope back then that I'd be saved. But there was no one there. Never.
And I hate the idea that I'm still "immature." I'm ashamed that I could use help both then and now. I'm slowly dragging myself forward, and I hope I can manage to build myself a quiet little place. I really want to get away from here.
I'm feeling so sad and overwhelmed right now. And lonely, yeah, that's the right word.
