Story Win but still a loss

[Wyldfyre4948]

Yesterday I talked to my boss about the cost of rent. I live and work on an apartment property and don't have a car. My wife left 3 weeks ago and says she isn't coming back. Today my boss told me that I will be given a significant discount on top of what I already have. This led to me breaking down crying in her office. I'm incredibly grateful to be given such a huge break, but I'm not happy. My wife is my reason for living and without her I really don't want to continue.

Today was the first time I played video games in weeks, but there was zero enjoyment of the act. There's no pleasure in life for me but dying has proven very difficult. I don't have any will to live despite the kindness of my coworkers. Trying to find the sweet spot has been difficult because I'm a big guy at 6' 270lbs. I just want to ctb and see my cat/son again.

I find letting go to certain connections to be impossible. So I'm going to love my wife no matter what. I don't want to live anymore but I also don't want to let everyone down, especially when some of them give me such kindness. The thing is I've lost everything I love that held me here. The woman who told me for 2 decades that I can trust her and she isn't going anywhere. If only someone passing by were to shoot me as I walk the property. That way my wife will be taken care of and my family wouldn't blame her. I don't want to live to see 40, and I don't want to see another day without the woman I love.

 

[FuneralCry]

I find it so awful how suicide is purposely made so difficult in this world, it's so cruel to me how we cannot just choose to die in peace. But anyway I hope that you eventually find the freedom you search for as it's really understandable wishing to escape from all the suffering.