Will miss my mum the most…

[iViaximussss]

I'm set on ctb. All my life I've been plagued by ocd, insomnia, depression, you name it. I'm averaging 4hrs sleep a night.

My plan is half suspension, as I have no time to get materials. I got close few days ago, passed out but the damn ligature just won't get tight. Tried everything.

I'm just especially sad to leave my mum. I was the son of the house, she's done so much for me and I feel cursed by these mental illnesses. I wish I could relieve myself but I've tried all meds, a therapy and all sorts. Sometimes the human mind is treatment resistant… I hope you all a journey that suits you and I hope we all can meet someday in a place that is akin to Utopia without any of the daily plagues in this existence.

 

[murphyy]

Damn. I'm sorry you're hurting like that. I guess the worst part of CTB is the fact it's gonna affect our loved ones.

Wishing you the best.

 

[iViaximussss]

Damn. I'm sorry you're hurting like that. I guess the worst part of CTB is the fact it's gonna affect our loved ones.

Wishing you the best.

Thank you for your kind words.

 

[FuneralCry]

Existence really is such a cruel burden and it's tragic how all of this endless suffering exists in this world. It must be painful and hard to deal with knowing that you will be leaving others behind, but after all our fate is to lose everything and die, there is no escaping this as continuing to exist is only delaying the inevitable. I hope that you find what you wish for.

 

[deathissosad]

Im sorry bro. I can relate this is my worst fear of it all as well. I dont wanna hurt my mama but im hurting too much. I hope she understands, stays strong and finds me in the next realm. Ill miss her so much.

 

[spacehardware]

This is what I struggle with the most too. My mum is the most brilliant human and she's lost a lot of the people in her life. Thinking about what my ctb would do to her has stopped me so many times.

I'm so sorry you're going through so much and that nothing has worked to ease your pain. I wish you peace, and send a hug your way. My brother has OCD and I read your post as if he had written it. Take care.

 

[Lost21]

I hope you have prepared a detailed will (info about your assets) so you mom will have an easy time settling your estate

 

[ResignationFromLife]

I struggle with this a lot too. I hope you find peace

 

[theboy]

sorry to read that my friend.
Hope you are feeling better
I will also miss my mom when I do ctb

 

[almaranthine]

Knowing I will hurt my mom really, really depresses me and makes me feel guilty. I really do care about her. However, I feel that she has lost empathy for me. I used to live with her and paid my own bills, worked as much as I could, helped her out with things whenever she asked, and paid rent. I feel like she kicked me out for something really petty that we could have talked over and worked out. Yet now, even though she knows I am struggling so much, she will not offer to let me stay with her again. I wonder if I was homeless what she would do. Idk, my lease ends in January and my bank account is almost empty, and I don't want to find out. I'm ready to call it quits. I hope she doesn't end up feeling responsible. I'm an adult who should have been able to take care of myself... it wasn't her fault.

 

[SpiroSundae]

My mom is a terrible person so thats one thing I don't have to worry about.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way though, I also feel guilt about leaving people behind

 

[MentalStefan]

I'm sorry I know how it feels, I also had a mother which cared about me and I'm very grateful for the amount of love she gave me even though she wasn't perfect. She had severe depression, was addicted to alcohol (mainly because my father cheated on her and sometimes abused her in such a way I wasn't able to realise that... this is something I was told after her death...) and sometimes even cut herself next to me. But she really tried to be as caring mother as she could. I appreciate that. It really hurt me when she died. It's been 2 years since her death and I still didn't fully accept this fact. However the strongest pain and grief already went away. Maybe this information might praise you a little - you probably won't miss your mother after death as you no longer have functional brain to feel it. However your mother will definitely be very shocked and depressed like I was when I lost my mother but she would eventually get over. Pain goes away. People forget over time. Neurons responsible for love to a non-existent person die over time. After some period of time she will start to function normally.

 

[missingpeace]

I feel guilty about leaving my family behind too but I don't have a choice. Given the circumstances (which I won't get into) I think it would be beneficial for them if I'm gone.