chobonzi
heartbroken
- Apr 13, 2024
- 43
Welp. Here i am yet again.
Things get better to just get worse than before. I sobered myself up. Am trying to develop a relationship with god. Am trying to become a better man for my son and gf and daughter. And everything seems to just go downhill. No matter what life pushes back so hard. I put effort into things and people just to get beat by life. I know things arent always going to be sunshine and rainbows. But when does the rain ever stop? When does the storm clear up and let SOME sun in? My gf is pregnant with iur daughter but wants to give her up for adoption. I cant be mad at her because she wants what she thinks is best for her. But ive gotten so attached and love my little princess so much already. Me and my gf fight because i just want love and for her to stick to her word. Then im annoying and im not worth it. It pains me to hear this stuff. Because ive put aside and forgave her for things shes done to me. Shes always so ready to just give up on me. Ive sobered myself up because i want a better life. For me. For her. My children. I got a job not even a week out if jail. A crappy job to start but a job none the less. I try and practice patience. Forgiveness. Love. Understanding. And it just hurts me in the end. Im not cut out for life. But i keep pushing to hopefully feel the warmth that life offers other people. To feel happiness and love and peace. Im sad to say that im starting to fall again. Harder. Death dosent scare me. Failing in yet another attempt does however. Im desperate to find a way that helps before i try again to CTB. I just want some relief from this pain. Daytime brings anxiety and arguments. Nights bring the same with the little extra spicy depression. Sleep? No relief. Constant night terrors. I wake up to anxiety and sadness. Go through the day trying to hide the emotions because if i say how i feel it gets thrown in my face. So i hide my emotions and become distant and then that gets thrown in my face. Im tired of trying to work so hard to make a life and just keep getting kicked and pushed told im nothing. Im just so tired
Things get better to just get worse than before. I sobered myself up. Am trying to develop a relationship with god. Am trying to become a better man for my son and gf and daughter. And everything seems to just go downhill. No matter what life pushes back so hard. I put effort into things and people just to get beat by life. I know things arent always going to be sunshine and rainbows. But when does the rain ever stop? When does the storm clear up and let SOME sun in? My gf is pregnant with iur daughter but wants to give her up for adoption. I cant be mad at her because she wants what she thinks is best for her. But ive gotten so attached and love my little princess so much already. Me and my gf fight because i just want love and for her to stick to her word. Then im annoying and im not worth it. It pains me to hear this stuff. Because ive put aside and forgave her for things shes done to me. Shes always so ready to just give up on me. Ive sobered myself up because i want a better life. For me. For her. My children. I got a job not even a week out if jail. A crappy job to start but a job none the less. I try and practice patience. Forgiveness. Love. Understanding. And it just hurts me in the end. Im not cut out for life. But i keep pushing to hopefully feel the warmth that life offers other people. To feel happiness and love and peace. Im sad to say that im starting to fall again. Harder. Death dosent scare me. Failing in yet another attempt does however. Im desperate to find a way that helps before i try again to CTB. I just want some relief from this pain. Daytime brings anxiety and arguments. Nights bring the same with the little extra spicy depression. Sleep? No relief. Constant night terrors. I wake up to anxiety and sadness. Go through the day trying to hide the emotions because if i say how i feel it gets thrown in my face. So i hide my emotions and become distant and then that gets thrown in my face. Im tired of trying to work so hard to make a life and just keep getting kicked and pushed told im nothing. Im just so tired
