Will I end up like my mom?

[Water-Lily]

As I was scrolling through YouTube, I remembered a video I tried to watch a few times. It is a video titled "How to Re-Mother yourself". It had popped into my search randomly one day. I was allured by it, but ultimately couldn't watch it. I tried to a few minutes ago and my body froze. Tears swelled into my eyes and my arm began to hurt. I mentally cannot face the idea of self-love. Because to do that, I would have to look inwards at the trauma I was subjected to by my mom. I cannot view that part of myself. It is scary and uncomfortable. But I know I won't be able to move forward unless I do see it

However, there is a reason why I feel like I will end up like my mom if I go down this path. I remember one time in my life where she went to therapy. She brought me with her as I did not have a choice to not go. So, we went, and she explained her behaviors and actions. The therapist told her that this may be due to unhealed childhood trauma. To which my mom got upset and left. On the car ride home, she cried and screamed at a friend over the phone about how this therapist wronged her in some way

Obviously, he did not "wrong" her. He just unlocked something inside of her she had been carrying for a long time. And because she never dealt with it, she became a monster that took it out on me

I don't want to end up like my mom. But at the same time I don't want to face my trauma either.

Am I doomed to end up just like her?

 

[WhiteDespair]

Depends. I know I have some traits of my mother because of what happened to me and her "parenting" definitely passed stuff down. But, I'm not all like her amd I have an antipathy for people like her. So, I won't end up completely lkke her and chance are you won't either.

But, you will likely want to face the trauma if you want to increase your odds of being different from her.

 

[Water-Lily]

Depends. I know I have some traits of my mother because of what happened to me and her "parenting" definitely passed stuff down. But, I'm not all like her amd I have an antipathy for people like her. So, I won't end up completely lkke her and chance are you won't either.

But, you will likely want to face the trauma if you want to increase your odds of being different from her.

What is antipathy?

Also, yes, I am aware I will have to at some point. But it is so scary that I would rather not. At least, not right now

 

[WhiteDespair]

What is antipathy?

Also, yes, I am aware I will have to at some point. But it is so scary that I would rather not. At least, not right now

Hatred. It's an immediate and visceral reaction for me.

There's usually time to confront it and it may not be today or tomorrow when that happens. Sometimes you're forced to deal with it.

I know I'm still avoiding processing and working on stuff myself. I don't know if or when I'll get to it.

 

[Water-Lily]

Hatred. It's an immediate and visceral reaction for me.

There's usually time to confront it and it may not be today or tomorrow when that happens. Sometimes you're forced to deal with it.

I know I'm still avoiding processing and working on stuff myself. I don't know if or when I'll get to it.

I guess that is both of us then. I am sure that when the time is right and when we are ready, we will be able to face it

If you don't mind me asking, how did your mom treat you growing up?

 

[BlackPoppet]

As I was scrolling through YouTube, I remembered a video I tried to watch a few times. It is a video titled "How to Re-Mother yourself". It had popped into my search randomly one day. I was allured by it, but ultimately couldn't watch it. I tried to a few minutes ago and my body froze. Tears swelled into my eyes and my arm began to hurt. I mentally cannot face the idea of self-love. Because to do that, I would have to look inwards at the trauma I was subjected to by my mom. I cannot view that part of myself. It is scary and uncomfortable. But I know I won't be able to move forward unless I do see it

However, there is a reason why I feel like I will end up like my mom if I go down this path. I remember one time in my life where she went to therapy. She brought me with her as I did not have a choice to not go. So, we went, and she explained her behaviors and actions. The therapist told her that this may be due to unhealed childhood trauma. To which my mom got upset and left. On the car ride home, she cried and screamed at a friend over the phone about how this therapist wronged her in some way

Obviously, he did not "wrong" her. He just unlocked something inside of her she had been carrying for a long time. And because she never dealt with it, she became a monster that took it out on me

I don't want to end up like my mom. But at the same time I don't want to face my trauma either.

Am I doomed to end up just like her?

Hugs from me to you. Facing trauma is an extremely difficult thing to do.
I'm sure that you will not end up like her. Honestly.
Facing trauma is The best thing to do... I know it hurt your mum to have that part of her unlocked.

 

[Water-Lily]

Hugs from me to you. Facing trauma is an extremely difficult thing to do.
I'm sure that you will not end up like her. Honestly.
Facing trauma is The best thing to do... I know it hurt your mum to have that part of her unlocked.

Yeah I can tell. Tbh, she could have dealt with it slowly. Maybe talk about little things here and there and then eventually open up to other things, But I guess it was all too much.

In my case I have sessions where I talk about my trauma and memories, and then other days where I don't. Some things are too difficult and my therapist lets me set the pace of my healing.

 

[WhiteDespair]

I guess that is both of us then. I am sure that when the time is right and when we are ready, we will be able to face it

If you don't mind me asking, how did your mom treat you growing up?

Neglectful. She was never around when I was growing up. She never taught me things. My food was either frozen or came from a can.

Psychologically and emotionally abusive.

Never took responsibility for things. Everything was somehow my fault. My concerns were dismissed.

Narcissistic. I think I have a 6th sense for female narcissism from her which is a blessing.

Manipulative and played games. I was told to pick up the cat at the vet or lose my car as a test rather than just saying the cat died.

Overly critical. After mowing the lawn the first time I was told "You missed a spot." My Dad said that the lawn looked nice.

Belittling.

Single mother so I never had anyone to take my side or act on my behalf.

Extremist. Rather than giving 5 year old me on why trying to steal a Slinky was wrong she drove around until she found a cop to give me that lecture. She was explosive and you never knew when she would explode.

Materialistic. I don't know if she knew how to show love outside of materialistic (think monetary) gestures which really fucked me over in the knowing and accepting love department.

Sexual abuse. One night she got very drunk, came into my bed and wouldn't stop holding me even with my protestations. I moved and she followed me. Eventually I locked her out of my room and she tried to pick the lock. She used the bathroom and changed with the door open. She would come into my bed and hold me into my teenage years and beyond regardless of my protestations. I have had to physically kick her out of my bed. To this day I have phobias and anxieties about sex and women. I had a panic attack the first time I slept in a girlfriend's bed.

Alcoholic.

Non-supportive unless it was something she wanted as well.

Tyrannical. Her word was law.

Physical. She would start swinging if the psychological and emotional abuse didn't work. She chipped one of my teeth when she backhanded me when I didn't want to go to the beach on vacation.

 

[BlackPoppet]

Yeah I can tell. Tbh, she could have dealt with it slowly. Maybe talk about little things here and there and then eventually open up to other things, But I guess it was all too much.

In my case I have sessions where I talk about my trauma and memories, and then other days where I don't. Some things are too difficult and my therapist lets me set the pace of my healing.

Your therapist sounds like a very good therapist. A good professional therapist!

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

As I was scrolling through YouTube, I remembered a video I tried to watch a few times. It is a video titled "How to Re-Mother yourself". It had popped into my search randomly one day. I was allured by it, but ultimately couldn't watch it. I tried to a few minutes ago and my body froze. Tears swelled into my eyes and my arm began to hurt. I mentally cannot face the idea of self-love. Because to do that, I would have to look inwards at the trauma I was subjected to by my mom. I cannot view that part of myself. It is scary and uncomfortable. But I know I won't be able to move forward unless I do see it

However, there is a reason why I feel like I will end up like my mom if I go down this path. I remember one time in my life where she went to therapy. She brought me with her as I did not have a choice to not go. So, we went, and she explained her behaviors and actions. The therapist told her that this may be due to unhealed childhood trauma. To which my mom got upset and left. On the car ride home, she cried and screamed at a friend over the phone about how this therapist wronged her in some way

Obviously, he did not "wrong" her. He just unlocked something inside of her she had been carrying for a long time. And because she never dealt with it, she became a monster that took it out on me

I don't want to end up like my mom. But at the same time I don't want to face my trauma either.

Am I doomed to end up just like her?

You are aware of her behaviors you would like to avoid in your own life, so this is a good thing. We usually outgrow our parents. SADLY, my generation is probably the first one in history who lives way worse than our parents did at our age, in terms of economic prosperity.

 

[LittleBabyNothing]

The fact that you are so aware tells me you won't end up that way. In any trauma work the right therapist is key, be honest about your fears in doing the work before you start the work. If they can't ease some of that fear, try another. Doing therapy work wrong can be detrimental, takes a lot of time, patience and triggers to find your way. Too many continue to ignore what hurts us and leads us to hurt others, ever fueling the cycle. To even contemplate trying, you've my respect. Stay Beautiful x
Check out the poem, This Be The Verse by Phillip Larkin

 

[saltshaker]

You won't end up like your mother, you're young and you have introspection. You say you don't want to deal with your trauma but you're doing that right now.

Keep going, you'll be okay.

 

[ansiedad]

You arent your mother.
You are different, Im sure that you have a big heart.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

You only have half of the genes and an extremely different environment, so I don't think there's a big risk.

 

[LittleJem]

Being more self aware than her is half the battle. I have an abusive mother too, your mother's behaviour sounds very traumatic. It is difficult to face the grief and loss and terror. I feel numb instead. Maybe it begins to be possible from a place of relative safety.
There are a number of great books about abusive parents and recovery. I wouldn't say they made me better, but they can help validate what you are going through. I'm sorry this happened to you and I hope you find comfort.

 

[noaccount]

Hi friend,
I am sorry this is happening,
and glad, at least, that the therapist back then tried to address some of the causes of *her* problematic behavior instead of scapegoating *you* as the child.
Still no one should be made to go to therapy they do not want.
Do you have any children in your care right now? If not that's a big difference right there.
Society sets children up to be marginalized and dehumanized, and treating children as humans with respect, is unfortunately countercultural, a beautiful act of resistance, for which we have to commit role-treason against our adult privilege.