Why won't you die?

[unnormal9]

Anytime i enter a social space, even online, and places such as this, I instantly feel burdening; my anxiety and heart palpitations. I feel like a fish out of water, suffocating.

"Why won't you die?"

Words of my trauma have agglutinated me ever since. I don't know. The pain keeps happening yet death won't come. I'm trying, isn't that what matters?
There is no running from this pain.

 

[scarecrowbubu]

I'm sorry to see what you have to go through, no one deserves to feel this. As you said there is no running from the pain. As it isn't a remedy. We must go against the pain and embrace it in my opinion. That could become our strength. What do you think? Wish you peace.❤

 

[CentreMid]

Anytime i enter a social space, even online, and places such as this, I instantly feel burdening; my anxiety and heart palpitations. I feel like a fish out of water, suffocating.

"Why won't you die?"

Words of my trauma have agglutinated me ever since. I don't know. The pain keeps happening yet death won't come. I'm trying, isn't that what matters?
There is no running from this pain.

I'm so sorry you've had to endure this, that is certainly a cruel thing to say to another human being.

If it's any consolation, there is no set time or place one truly needs to die. Even with a plan in place, there should be some room for flexibility. When it's your time to go, you'll just know.

Sometimes we hesitate due to an outside force that requires our attention. Sometimes we hesitate due our inability to make peace with death. Either way, it sucks that you're in this position. Being in limbo is truly awful (that's the gist of your thread, right? Please tell me if I'm misinterpreting your post!)

I know it's not easy waiting, and sometimes it's extremely painful, but it's better to go when you know it's right rather than forcing it.

Anywho, I do hope you find peace. Nobody should have to endure the pain that they do for so long

 

[FuneralCry]

I agree that there is no relief from suffering in this world, there is just too much pain in existing and I see it as being cruel how we cannot just choose to pass away in peace. This world that is filled with horrible humans certainly is such a hellish place that to me could never be desirable to exist in, I hope that you eventually find the freedom you wish for.

 

[unnormal9]

I'm sorry to see what you have to go through, no one deserves to feel this. As you said there is no running from the pain. As it isn't a remedy. We must go against the pain and embrace it in my opinion. That could become our strength. What do you think? Wish you peace.❤

That, I am not sure of it, honestly, I am torn.

I'm so sorry you've had to endure this, that is certainly a cruel thing to say to another human being.

If it's any consolation, there is no set time or place one truly needs to die. Even with a plan in place, there should be some room for flexibility. When it's your time to go, you'll just know.

Sometimes we hesitate due to an outside force that requires our attention. Sometimes we hesitate due our inability to make peace with death. Either way, it sucks that you're in this position. Being in limbo is truly awful (that's the gist of your thread, right? Please tell me if I'm misinterpreting your post!)

I know it's not easy waiting, and sometimes it's extremely painful, but it's better to go when you know it's right rather than forcing it.

Anywho, I do hope you find peace. Nobody should have to endure the pain that they do for so long

But what is the reason? I'm wondering...

I agree that there is no relief from suffering in this world, there is just too much pain in existing and I see it as being cruel how we cannot just choose to pass away in peace. This world that is filled with horrible humans certainly is such a hellish place that to me could never be desirable to exist in, I hope that you eventually find the freedom you wish for.

Absolutely. It does not help that I am was reminded of how much a failure I am at my past suicide attempts.
I can't even get suicide right. Pathetic, isn't it?

 

[ThisIsLife]

The horrible person that sends you those texts deserves to rot in hell.

 

[SilentSadness]

It's true that suffering isn't something we can avoid. We are expected to stand strong and accept the barrage of pain until we eventually die from the impact. The person who sent those texts sounds quite insecure themselves, so as hurtful as their messages are, you'd do best to ignore them. You definitely aren't at fault for not trying hard enough, and I hope your pain comes to an end soon.

 

[Valky]

I am so so sorry. Not only for you but for all of us. Such ignorant people are hurting us all.

I really really hope you don't take this seriously what some random ass person that knows nothing about your life said.

You can't force the perfect time to come for ctb or recovery. Both needs its time. Both should not be pressured like this since it's something one has to commit to themselves. Comments like this are not only straight out stupid and hurtful but will have negative effect on the result. If you choose both, to ctb or recover, pressure will only be a big ass stone in the way. Don't take this to heart as theirs is only full of hate and dissatisfaction of their own life.

 

[unnormal9]

I am so so sorry. Not only for you but for all of us. Such ignorant people are hurting us all.

I really really hope you don't take this seriously what some random ass person that knows nothing about your life said.You can't force the perfect time to come for ctb or recovery. Both needs its time. Both should not be pressured like this since it's something one has to commit to themselves. Comments like this are not only straight out stupid and hurtful but will have negative effect on the result. If you choose both, to ctb or recover, pressure will only be a big ass stone in the way. Don't take this to heart as theirs is only full of hate and dissatisfaction of their own life.

This is no a random person, I know him, 3 years so far.
Because of my struggles, long history of suicidal ideation and past attempts, I am a burden to anyone outside. He also said I am horrendously anti-social and to be avoided like the plague.
It's difficult, because he is the last person outside I have any human connection with (not good, but in the sense of anyone to remotely—) that was not a therapist, psychiatrist, that dropped me so. Others in other places, online and outside do avoid me like the plague—with well reason as I have realized. Burdening is like a plague, is it not?

It's true that suffering isn't something we can avoid. We are expected to stand strong and accept the barrage of pain until we eventually die from the impact. The person who sent those texts sounds quite insecure themselves, so as hurtful as their messages are, you'd do best to ignore them. You definitely aren't at fault for not trying hard enough, and I hope your pain comes to an end soon.

Than you kindly, I hope so too. However, lately it has become increasingly difficult to stem my eagerness to ctb on impulse: jumping, because of the lack of availability for other methods, such as SN or the Exit bag. I don't want to fail again, but I also still do not know why I haven't done it, there are so many repressed memories.

 

[Valky]

This is no a random person, I know him, 3 years so far.
Because of struggles, long history of suicidal ideation and past attempts I am a burden to anyone outside. He also said I was horrendously anti-social and to be avoided like the plague.
It's difficult, because he is the last person outside I have any human connection with (not good, but in the sense of anyone to remotely—) that was not a therapist, psychiatrist, that dropped me so. Others in other places, online and outside do avoid me like the plague—with well reason as I have realized. Burdening is like a plague, is it not?

Fuck him then. Please cut the contact. I understand that it is hard but rather have no contact than such a toxic asshole.

I gotta admit. Your suffering is a burden. Mental illness affects the whole surrounding. But especially you. And you did not choose this.

Have you ever seen someone lash out at a person with cancer for being a burden. No. Because it is not their fault either.

Stuff like this just shows that their own well being is more important to them than your whole existence. They don't deserve you.

And remember. You are loveable. If they can't see that then they are the problem and not you.

 

[unnormal9]

Fuck him then. Please cut the contact. I understand that it is hard but rather have no contact than such a toxic asshole.

I gotta admit. Your suffering is a burden. Mental illness affects the whole surrounding. But especially you. And you did not choose this.

Have you ever seen someone lash out at a person with cancer for being a burden. No. Because it is not their fault either.

Stuff like this just shows that their own well being is more important to them than your whole existence. They don't deserve you.

And remember. You are loveable. If they can't see that then they are the problem and not you.

Yes, I know and I do not want to be one anymore, it is a big part of my reason.
How can I be lovable and a burden at the same time? I have not seen one who enjoys the presence of a festering bug causing vexation.

 

[Valky]

Yes, I know and I do not want to be one anymore, it is a big part of my reason.
How can I be lovable and a burden at the same time? I have not seen one who enjoys the presence of a festering bug causing vexation.

You are not a burden. Your mental illness is. But it is not you. The real you is loveable and a joy to be around.

 

[unnormal9]

You are not a burden. Your mental illness is. But it is not you. The real you is loveable and a joy to be around.

Thank you. I wish it was not part of me for this reason.

 

[Holu]

I don't deserve the peace of death

 

[soolka]

im sorry you are treated like this, people can be so cruel