BleedMeAnOcean
coward
- May 6, 2026
- 1
I'm so sick of my stupid goddamn mind. I was helping a friend out today with some artwork. He's part of a band and we were making a tour poster, he wanted me specifically to draw a picture of him dying. This isn't really uncommon, I've drawn him dying countless times before for his merch, usually for free because I'm a spineless doormat. I chose to draw him being decapitated with an axe, and he made a joke about how he wanted to fuck the exposed neck hole. We started joking about necrophilia and somehow the topic of cutting came up. He mentioned how he didn't understand why people did it, and for some fucked up reason without really thinking about it I admitted I cut myself. Just causally out of the blue. He asked me why I did that and I told him it was because sometimes I feel like I deserved to be punished. Like when I fuck up or I feel disappointed in myself, if I'm bleeding and in pain I've made up for it right? Why the fuck did I tell him that? Why do I always do that? When I start to get close to someone, my idiotic brain feels the need to tell them all my traumas. It makes me feel guilty for putting that on them, and makes me feel embarrassed because I bet their whole perspective on me is fucked now. I'm not "normal" and "typical" anymore and there isn't anything I can do to reverse it. Its like I'm speaking on fucking auto-pilot or something. I wanted to tear open my arm right then and there for that, but I ended up telling him I wanted to take a break and sat by myself for a bit. I came back and apologized but now I feel like our relationship is ruined.
That's when I came up with the idea to make a sort of public diary for myself (not sure if I should keep it all in one thread or just make new posts lmk), so when I feel this fucking itch to spill my guts out on someone I can just write about it to people whom don't know me and I don't really care how they view me. I discovered this website on reddit and figured it was the only place that wouldn't instantly delete my posts or give me fake ass sympathy.
I think I'm going to cut again just to relieve some of this guilt and embarrassment I'm feeling right now. I'm so angry at myself.
That's when I came up with the idea to make a sort of public diary for myself (not sure if I should keep it all in one thread or just make new posts lmk), so when I feel this fucking itch to spill my guts out on someone I can just write about it to people whom don't know me and I don't really care how they view me. I discovered this website on reddit and figured it was the only place that wouldn't instantly delete my posts or give me fake ass sympathy.
I think I'm going to cut again just to relieve some of this guilt and embarrassment I'm feeling right now. I'm so angry at myself.
