Help Why now? This is Ruining my CTB plan

[Dawn0071111]

The final physiological remnants of the depression and aftermath syndrome are lifting... the PTSD is still here, but not as strong. Im fucking pissed because I don't want to deal with my life. I just don't. I don't want to still live in the shame & mangled headspace of the trauma. I'm so sad my attempt failed in January. Now I feel the Survival Instinct is much more intact. I am longing for that place where I could override it easily. It may never come again. I know this sounds so irrational & crazy. But I don't want to go on the path of recovery, I don't want to grow and learn and discover.... None of that appeals to me. Whats wrong with me? I hear so many trauma survivor stories... Hell, what really fucked,me up was hearing JK Rowlings testimony that she considered suicide..
Well Im sure SHE is glad she didnt, but I'm not even sure a future of being a billionaire could keep me here.

I'm just admitting it here on SS. Where I can't anywhere else. Not even the therapist:
I am weak, lazy, of moral weakness, a failure.... no drive... I'm fear-based and a coward. I don't want to look at myself, do inner work, make changes. I can't accept all the awfulness about me, my mistakes, my past and live on. It's just too painful to ever accept that my life with all its loss, dissapointment, pain and suffering wrte of my own creation. That I did it to myself, even even if it was unknowingly and out of ignorance I still did it and I think the whole purpose of psychotherapy is to eventually work or person down to accepting that the losses in my life have been so crushing so tragic that to put it on myself for me equals Death. I feel like every person I tried to share this with totally condemns me or just tells me that things will get better in the future or that I need to just forget about the past look towards the future...

I don't want to and I've got to figure out how to get around my symptoms lifting, to carry out my own death for no other reason that I just don't want to clean up the mess that I've made.

Society frownd upon "quitters" and I confess that at heart that is exactly what I am.

I quit.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Even without all the mistakes I'm made … life is just shitty. Even if I never made another mistake, I still want to CTB.
I will never be a J.K. Rowling either or rich by any other means. People just want something from you anyway when you have money.

 

[JimFord99]

The final physiological remnants of the depression and aftermath syndrome are lifting... the PTSD is still here, but not as strong. Im fucking pissed because I don't want to deal with my life. I just don't. I don't want to still live in the shame & mangled headspace of the trauma. I'm so sad my attempt failed in January. Now I feel the Survival Instinct is much more intact. I am longing for that place where I could override it easily. It may never come again. I know this sounds so irrational & crazy. But I don't want to go on the path of recovery, I don't want to grow and learn and discover.... None of that appeals to me. Whats wrong with me? I hear so many trauma survivor stories... Hell, what really fucked,me up was hearing JK Rowlings testimony that she considered suicide..
Well Im sure SHE is glad she didnt, but I'm not even sure a future of being a billionaire could keep me here.

I'm just admitting it here on SS. Where I can't anywhere else. Not even the therapist:
I am weak, lazy, of moral weakness, a failure.... no drive... I'm fear-based and a coward. I don't want to look at myself, do inner work, make changes. I can't accept all the awfulness about me, my mistakes, my past and live on. It's just too painful to ever accept that my life with all its loss, dissapointment, pain and suffering wrte of my own creation. That I did it to myself, even even if it was unknowingly and out of ignorance I still did it and I think the whole purpose of psychotherapy is to eventually work or person down to accepting that the losses in my life have been so crushing so tragic that to put it on myself for me equals Death. I feel like every person I tried to share this with totally condemns me or just tells me that things will get better in the future or that I need to just forget about the past look towards the future...

I don't want to and I've got to figure out how to get around my symptoms lifting, to carry out my own death for no other reason that I just don't want to clean up the mess that I've made.

Society frownd upon "quitters" and I confess that at heart that is exactly what I am.

I quit.

Does not mean you are a failure. You tried. This alone is a success. And, above all, YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE.

 

[irregularheartbeat]

There is no guarantee life will ever be better, no. It's a sad realisation that many of us have had to face on here, Im sorry to hear you're struggling with yourself and which direction to take. You're not alone in being fear driven, my survival instinct is very much so intact as well. I guess that's why I put my CTB date so far out.
It's okay to be afraid, and not want to put effort into being better at this time. Recovery is such a hard road, you don't need to feel bad about being afraid and not wanting to forgive yourself. Those are very valid, and intense emotions. Surely they won't pass easily

 

[Rhea]

Awh that's cool and all but have you heard that Baldurs gate 3 is in development? Damn, hope I can play that In hell.

 

[Lara Francis]

Hi @Dawn0071111
I know that you have just given a little information with regards to the mistakes and previous trauma effecting your head space,but your first sentence implys that with help of a therapist you are making progress which is an achievement in itself.
Many people try therapy with no improvement. Myself included. Is it not worth giving yourself a little longer?
I hope that I am not speaking out of turn and just tell me to get lost if u want.
Your past is impacting on your present and for people to say just forget about it shows their complete lack of understanding.
You say you don't want to go down the road of recovery which you sound as if you are already on. You have experienced trauma that u say is self inflicted but out of ignorance not intentally and it may not excuse past events but people make mistakes often leaving what feels like pot holes.
I personally know the pain of bereavement which I don't know is relatable and if it is, I am sorry for your loss.
You sound so intensively in pain and I wish I could help to take that away.
If you are completely set on ctb, then I wish you rest and peace but I think you still have a choice. X

 

[Dreamcolleger]

Hey, I can relate to where you are coming from. It was January when the final straw broke and life got in the way for so long, until just recently. It is definitely a bitch when the fuel/emotions/motivation are from months ago and now you have to get them back.

Some stuff that's helped me:
Alcohol/benzos
I'm forgetful but when I think of a good motivation I write it down, I bookmark pages as well if there's something helpful on it
A big one is trying to do as much to put yourself back in the mindset you were in when you were really ready to CTB. Recall memories in as much detail as you can, use things like pictures, texts, objects, anything that will help you remember and get back there. Don't do this all the time though, try and do it maybe once to recall the stuff and then save it for when you really need it. You don't want to numb yourself to these things so when the time comes, they don't make you feel anything anymore.

 

[GinaIsReady]

Hi @Dawn0071111
Many people try therapy with no improvement. Myself included.

I never knew that many do not improve with therapy.

Also, do failed ctb attempts strengthen SI?

 

[irregularheartbeat]

I never knew that many do not improve with therapy.

Also, do failed ctb attempts strengthen SI?

I myself fall under that category for sure. I was in intensive therapy for about 4 years, medication and constant hospitalizations, went through a number of shrinks and psychologists.
If you see improvment, even the smallest of bit take care in that. Even baby steps are good steps to take, we can't make leaps with no leverage

 

[pole]

The final physiological remnants of the depression and aftermath syndrome are lifting... the PTSD is still here, but not as strong. Im fucking pissed because I don't want to deal with my life. I just don't. I don't want to still live in the shame & mangled headspace of the trauma. I'm so sad my attempt failed in January. Now I feel the Survival Instinct is much more intact. I am longing for that place where I could override it easily. It may never come again. I know this sounds so irrational & crazy. But I don't want to go on the path of recovery, I don't want to grow and learn and discover.... None of that appeals to me. Whats wrong with me? I hear so many trauma survivor stories... Hell, what really fucked,me up was hearing JK Rowlings testimony that she considered suicide..
Well Im sure SHE is glad she didnt, but I'm not even sure a future of being a billionaire could keep me here.

I'm just admitting it here on SS. Where I can't anywhere else. Not even the therapist:
I am weak, lazy, of moral weakness, a failure.... no drive... I'm fear-based and a coward. I don't want to look at myself, do inner work, make changes. I can't accept all the awfulness about me, my mistakes, my past and live on. It's just too painful to ever accept that my life with all its loss, dissapointment, pain and suffering wrte of my own creation. That I did it to myself, even even if it was unknowingly and out of ignorance I still did it and I think the whole purpose of psychotherapy is to eventually work or person down to accepting that the losses in my life have been so crushing so tragic that to put it on myself for me equals Death. I feel like every person I tried to share this with totally condemns me or just tells me that things will get better in the future or that I need to just forget about the past look towards the future...

I don't want to and I've got to figure out how to get around my symptoms lifting, to carry out my own death for no other reason that I just don't want to clean up the mess that I've made.

Society frownd upon "quitters" and I confess that at heart that is exactly what I am.

I quit.

its heartbreaking to always read someone elses heartache and feel what there feeling through you're words. it takes courage and strength to open up and let out what you're truly feeling, and you just did. ENORMOUS STRENGTH, don't forget that. i have trouble literally opening up to my best friends whom try to help me. you did what i couldnt do.

therapists are a hit or miss. im kind of like you, im not comfortable to talk to anyone about how i feel, and i know a therapist wont work and i hate the idea of talking about it.

but therapists are a hit or miss, some just dont have the great experiences cause the therapist fails to genuinly connect with them. others have great experiences, where the therapist genuinly understands and makes a connection with them. maybe you just haven't had that right one yet, who you feel and sense is genuine and comfortable with you?

nothing of what you said is irrational and crazy. you've gone through so much. it would be crazy to think that you wouldn't have phases and obstacles, where all you wanna do is just give up because its easier than pushing yourself down the road of recovery.

other than a therapist which is a hit or miss, do you have any support systems? true friends, people ur really comfortable around? we cant do this road to recovery alone sometimes, its so hard. sometimes ones hand, whether it be a friend, family member, a significant other can uplift us and go a long way. these support systems can calm us during our worst, and deny us from self-pity and drowning in our sadness and negativity. if you dont have any, perhaps try and surround yourself with some.

volunteer work, maybe those survivor group things, just getting urself out there again, building relationships and finding a support system that uplifts you.

You're not a coward, nor is you're thinking fear-based. You've gone through hell, so much negativity and fear that's instilled in you're traumatic events; and those emotions just have stuck with you. and you'll end up having these thoughts and voices telling you things, and being in isolation, fear, sadness forces us to listen and give into those thoughts and voices; and over time, that negativity consumes us.

JK Rowlings story does give me hope, whether its not false hope or not. single mother, struggling financially and mentally because of seperation from her husband, and doing it all alone. she was dismissed from doctors, these therapists, PEOPLE WHO SHOULD BE TRYING TO HELP YOU; Till she found the right one. you just havent found the right one. perhaps this story just resonates with you alot more than you think because you're in somewhat of a similar situation. DONT EVER BE afraid to PM or vent to anyone of us, or make venting threads and letting it all out.

regardless of what route you take, i wish you nothing but the happiness you in deserve in this life. wishing things turn around for you and you feel better and find peace.

 

[Nanimoaru]

I feel this on so many levels, like i really do
After my last relationship or situationship whatever it was, im done
My friends try to tell me to try again and that it'll be different
No matter how times you stick your hand in fire, you'll be burned
I'm a pretty toxic person so I know what will happen
I wont let history repeat itself
I felt something real, i can say that
I lost it too, I can say that to
Now I can rest knowing i felt it
Knowing that warmth, that love
I'm ready to move on