Dumb rant
I don't understand how good things come to people so easily. It seems like my life has just been getting worse and worse, I don't want to be here anymore. I've been twitching for the last half hour from suffocating myself to make sure I can properly ctb, but honestly knowing my luck I'll probably screw it up and go painfully. I don't care anymore. I don't know why god made me live so much of my life knowing that things were never going to get better.
I graduated early from college and I thought that my life was finally going to get better, I thought I'd finally impress people and nobody would think I was a stupid mess anymore, and it literally meant nothing. I've been job searching for the last year post-grad and I can't take the rejections anymore. It is humiliating watching my friends get jobs and be completely successful and knowing that they're watching me sit at home and do nothing. The other day my friend told me that her younger brother asked why I didn't have a job yet. Another told me her boyfriend was surprised I was still unemployed. I wish I could disappear. I'll never meet anybody's basic expectations because I am such a screw-up.
When I was younger I was an amazing artist. I got into prestigious art schools for music and visual arts, and my parents told me I wouldn't be able to go because it wasn't a real job. Art was the only thing I was amazing at. I was so good I was so good. I wasted so many years working in this stupid stem major that I'll never be amazing at, I miss that feeling of being so good at something that people have no option other than to take you seriously. Now I'm a pathetic nothing and I've wasted my natural talents. I'll never be as good as I was meant to be.
I don't know what I did to deserve all of this. I didn't have an easy life, I thought the universe or god owed me. I don't understand why he hates me so much. I tried praying so hard I tried memorizing prayers when nothing else worked I don't know why nothing works for me and I don't know why I have to watch everyone around me have such amazing lives knowing that I'll never do anything meaningful.
The first time I tried to ctb I swallowed a bottle of pills because my mom told me she knew I'd never get into a good college. She wasn't even being mean she just genuinely told me that she didn't think I was smart enough. I am I know I am, I probably was smart enough back then but everything is just black fog in my head now. There is nothing good in my life. I had art and I don't even have that anymore I have nothing. I could've been so amazing I don't know why god had to take that from me. I had so much I had music and art why couldn't I have that, why is my life so horrible.
There is no fixing my life anymore everything is gone. I spent so long without a job nobody will hire me anymore. I can't look anybody in the eye anymore I just want to hang in my closet and be done with everything.
I don't understand how good things come to people so easily. It seems like my life has just been getting worse and worse, I don't want to be here anymore. I've been twitching for the last half hour from suffocating myself to make sure I can properly ctb, but honestly knowing my luck I'll probably screw it up and go painfully. I don't care anymore. I don't know why god made me live so much of my life knowing that things were never going to get better.
I graduated early from college and I thought that my life was finally going to get better, I thought I'd finally impress people and nobody would think I was a stupid mess anymore, and it literally meant nothing. I've been job searching for the last year post-grad and I can't take the rejections anymore. It is humiliating watching my friends get jobs and be completely successful and knowing that they're watching me sit at home and do nothing. The other day my friend told me that her younger brother asked why I didn't have a job yet. Another told me her boyfriend was surprised I was still unemployed. I wish I could disappear. I'll never meet anybody's basic expectations because I am such a screw-up.
When I was younger I was an amazing artist. I got into prestigious art schools for music and visual arts, and my parents told me I wouldn't be able to go because it wasn't a real job. Art was the only thing I was amazing at. I was so good I was so good. I wasted so many years working in this stupid stem major that I'll never be amazing at, I miss that feeling of being so good at something that people have no option other than to take you seriously. Now I'm a pathetic nothing and I've wasted my natural talents. I'll never be as good as I was meant to be.
I don't know what I did to deserve all of this. I didn't have an easy life, I thought the universe or god owed me. I don't understand why he hates me so much. I tried praying so hard I tried memorizing prayers when nothing else worked I don't know why nothing works for me and I don't know why I have to watch everyone around me have such amazing lives knowing that I'll never do anything meaningful.
The first time I tried to ctb I swallowed a bottle of pills because my mom told me she knew I'd never get into a good college. She wasn't even being mean she just genuinely told me that she didn't think I was smart enough. I am I know I am, I probably was smart enough back then but everything is just black fog in my head now. There is nothing good in my life. I had art and I don't even have that anymore I have nothing. I could've been so amazing I don't know why god had to take that from me. I had so much I had music and art why couldn't I have that, why is my life so horrible.
There is no fixing my life anymore everything is gone. I spent so long without a job nobody will hire me anymore. I can't look anybody in the eye anymore I just want to hang in my closet and be done with everything.
