Discussion Why is dating difficult?

[tommyhalpinkelly]

Specifically online dating? I tried to set up a profile as someone suggested and so far, I'm getting no responses. I know, that if you go by looks then it will be reciprocated but with Tinder, I accept all women and nothing happens. even on another site.

 

[Thoughtforms]

There's a reddit subgroup where they review your dating profile and can give you advice?

 

[Nanami]

Could also check out:
The golden rules of online dating
Do's and don'ts for profiles
Do's and don'ts for messages

Or as said above, post your profile to the website's subreddit.


Edit: Just as a reminder, do not post your profile here.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

I tend to think online dating is likely a bit blah for women. It probably feels stale, with too much male thirst and woefully lacking when it comes to gauging real-world chemistry. Plus there are a million bots and fake profiles on there, coupled with the genuine females being swamped with messages. Overall, those just don't look like good odds to me. I always had far better luck in the real world, awkward as it sometimes is.

 

[Tyuiop]

I tend to think online dating is likely a bit blah for women. It probably feels stale, with too much male thirst and woefully lacking when it comes to gauging real-world chemistry. Plus there are a million bots and fake profiles on there, coupled with the genuine females being swamped with messages. Overall, those just don't look like good odds to me. I always had far better luck in the real world, awkward as it sometimes is.

As a woman, I completely agree... I once got 1000 likes on Tinder within three days, it felt good, I matched with every guy I swiped right on, but the conversations were dull. And once they got a hint of my real personality and that I would not be having sex immediately, they stopped responding. I was also very picky on Tinder, simply because otherwise I would be matching with everyone. There is really nothing on tinder to gauge real-world chemistry and find out more about a person.

 

[Final Escape]

Specifically online dating? I tried to set up a profile as someone suggested and so far, I'm getting no responses. I know, that if you go by looks then it will be reciprocated but with Tinder, I accept all women and nothing happens. even on another site.

Supposedly only the top 20% of attractive men have success on online dating apps. Women used to have to restrain our hypergamy without the welfare state, birth control, early marriage, before women were expected to go into labor force. Since the normal gender roles and patriarchy is being destroyed, dating is much harder. We used to have to pick partners for shared values but now it's more shallow. People used to have to get married earlier and were able to do that. Now there is moral breakdown, and it's harder to meet someone who grew up in a healthy family environment on top of it. Only 20% of men attractive to 80% of women, but 80% of women attractive to men while a woman is young. So 80% of women now chasing the top 20% of men lol! We aren't picking realistically or within our own status or attractiveness range.

 

[MAIO]

Specifically online dating? I tried to set up a profile as someone suggested and so far, I'm getting no responses. I know, that if you go by looks then it will be reciprocated but with Tinder, I accept all women and nothing happens. even on another site.

More girls than guys when you are in your teens-twenties but by the time you hits 30 there are more girls than guys. Honestly though your profile probaly sucks.

 

[Johnnythefox]

I am no expert on the laws of attraction, I did however mess about on some dating sites some years ago. You will notice that everyone is basically saying the same thing in their description such as :

• 'I have a great sense of humour.'
• 'I love to travel'
• 'I'm laid back, easy-going, and love to have a good time'
• 'I'm looking for someone honest, caring and kind'

I met maybe one or two people and never seen them again. IRL there are many factors at play in attraction, body language, eye contact, tone of voice, pheromones and many more of which we are unaware of.
No doubt online dating works for some, but that will be a minority. People can be anything or anyone they want to be online.
Some years ago I came across a site 'millionaire dating.com' I thought this was elitist, shallow and discriminatory.
I created a profile saying I was a self made man with my own business and liked nothing better than messing about on my jet ski at the weekend, etc.
I received several messages from members who seemed impressed by my achievements. I did not do this out of malice, but to prove a point!
I later posted on my profile that I was fake and was duly banned, but I hoped that someone maybe learnt something from it.

 

[TAW122]

I'll add my two cents here. I'm an Asian American male, 28 years of age, and just based on race and ethnicity alone, I've already lost (most if not all) the game before it began. I'll explain. So in the western world, especially the US and UK (I'm in the US btw), Asian males are one of the least desired group of people in the dating world and according to Wilkes McDermid (popular British food blogger who did his research on this), to even have a chance, you'd have to have two or all of the three characteristics, which are height, wealth/power, and race. Since race and height are things that you can't change, effectively you are left with only one option, which is wealth/power. Wealth or power either manifests in either you're really bulky and attractive or you have six figures income (or even more). Consider that this is ALL before even considering your personality, characteristics, or even before going on a date.

Now in my situation particularly, I've have NONE of these characteristics, except for maybe height as I'm just over 5' 10". I don't have lots of wealth nor manifestation of power so I've already lost the game before it began. Then assuming (Devil's Advocate) that even if a girl/woman was interested, she will quickly lose interest once she knows that I've got nothing good to offer, or if I'm rich, then it's likely a gold digger, just looking to drain one's wealth and will leave after the bank is dried up (which is just as bad if not worse - and that's a topic for another time). Thus, I've pretty much concluded that I've lost well before I could even start and it isn't worth it to pursue these endeavors. Furthermore, I've got Aspergers which even more royally fucks me when it comes to people to people interactions let alone scoring game/dates.

 

[Xerxes]

Hard truths here. First off you're a dude competing with thousands of other dudes for one woman. That woman ignores or scans the list of people who messaged her. Yours gets lost somewhere or she completely ignores you. Unless you're so attractive that your profile picture looks fake, then you'll get messages. If you're an average joe, you're wasting your time doing online dating.

 

[GreenLantern]

I'm a chick repellant. Most of the women I'm attracted to don't like me. And most that find me attractive, I don't want them. The very few times there was mutual attraction, she was either already taken, she or I left town or left the job, or she turned out to be a psychopath anyway.

 

[johnny]

Online dating is a scam for average or below average looking men. The ratio of guys:girls on these sites/apps is likely around 5:1 or even worse. And a lot of the girls on them aren't even seriously interested in meeting up, they are just using these apps as an ego booster. You have to understand that any woman on these sites is getting absolutely bombarded with messages. She can sit there and choose whoever she wants. The top guys are the ones getting all the action, online dating is the 80:20 rule at play. On another website, I saw an experiment where they created a profile for a woman using an absolutely hideous picture, it was a super obese lady with lots of body hair, whose face was morphed on photoshop with the face of a pig (not making this up). It then showed all of the messages "she" was getting, saying how beautiful and sexy she was, and all these guys were asking to meet up with her, and most weren't even bad looking guys at all.

Use online dating if you want, but don't expect to get much out of it.

 

[lost illusions]

Nobody wants my ass

 

[hunter_lewis]

Maybe your internet profile is unappealing, or you just haven't met the right people yet. There can be a million reasons as to why it isn't working. I online dated for three years before meeting my BF-it was all very frustrating and annoying for me

 

[weedoge]

Its not true that you're wasting your time online dating of you're average looking. I'm less than average looking and it was just the mental illness that fucked me over every time. If you aim to meet people on tinder then yes, you're wasting your time, but if you meet people elsewhere in a more natural way you'll find you can hit it off easily.

Majority approach relationships in a completely fucked up way now and I'd never suggest using a dating service for most people.

 

[weedoge]

Online dating is a scam for average or below average looking men. The ratio of guys:girls on these sites/apps is likely around 5:1 or even worse. And a lot of the girls on them aren't even seriously interested in meeting up, they are just using these apps as an ego booster. You have to understand that any woman on these sites is getting absolutely bombarded with messages. She can sit there and choose whoever she wants. The top guys are the ones getting all the action, online dating is the 80:20 rule at play. On another website, I saw an experiment where they created a profile for a woman using an absolutely hideous picture, it was a super obese lady with lots of body hair, whose face was morphed on photoshop with the face of a pig (not making this up). It then showed all of the messages "she" was getting, saying how beautiful and sexy she was, and all these guys were asking to meet up with her, and most weren't even bad looking guys at all.

Use online dating if you want, but don't expect to get much out of it.

You guys don't even try to hide do you.

 

[Lefty]

I've had a lot of bad luck with dating. I'm shy, but I've had the courage to ask a couple girls out in real life. Of course those "relationships" didn't go anywhere. I've tried multiple online dating sites, but I've only had one real girlfriend, and it lasted only 6 months. Dating while having mental illness is hard. Probably one of the reasons why I want to go.

 

[Severen]

I think too many people have unrealistic standards. Life ain't no god damn Disney movie.

 

[Severen]

As a woman, I completely agree... I once got 1000 likes on Tinder within three days, it felt good, I matched with every guy I swiped right on, but the conversations were dull. And once they got a hint of my real personality and that I would not be having sex immediately, they stopped responding. I was also very picky on Tinder, simply because otherwise I would be matching with everyone. There is really nothing on tinder to gauge real-world chemistry and find out more about a person.

Why did it feel good? They don't even know you. It's just because they want to get in a woman's pants, any woman... These guys are like Bonobos. They swipe right on every female on Tinder except ones that don't look human. If I was born a woman, I'd want nothing to do with these men.

 

[ReadyasEver]

I have a few friends who have tried dating sites throughout the years. I do not believe the commercials, they are not very successful. The best chance you have is to meet someone from a mutual friend that knows both of you fairly well. In today's society, that is getting much harder to do.

 

[Severen]

I'll add my two cents here. I'm an Asian American male, 28 years of age, and just based on race and ethnicity alone, I've already lost (most if not all) the game before it began. I'll explain. So in the western world, especially the US and UK (I'm in the US btw), Asian males are one of the least desired group of people in the dating world and according to Wilkes McDermid (popular British food blogger who did his research on this), to even have a chance, you'd have to have two or all of the three characteristics, which are height, wealth/power, and race. Since race and height are things that you can't change, effectively you are left with only one option, which is wealth/power. Wealth or power either manifests in either you're really bulky and attractive or you have six figures income (or even more). Consider that this is ALL before even considering your personality, characteristics, or even before going on a date.

Now in my situation particularly, I've have NONE of these characteristics, except for maybe height as I'm just over 5' 10". I don't have lots of wealth nor manifestation of power so I've already lost the game before it began. Then assuming (Devil's Advocate) that even if a girl/woman was interested, she will quickly lose interest once she knows that I've got nothing good to offer, or if I'm rich, then it's likely a gold digger, just looking to drain one's wealth and will leave after the bank is dried up (which is just as bad if not worse - and that's a topic for another time). Thus, I've pretty much concluded that I've lost well before I could even start and it isn't worth it to pursue these endeavors. Furthermore, I've got Aspergers which even more royally fucks me when it comes to people to people interactions let alone scoring game/dates.

Dude, you do realize American culture is an insanely racist culture, especially against Asian males so naturally most American women will look down on you. And of course, American culture has rubbed off on the United Kingdom's culture... But the whole world is not like this. If you want to CTB just because most American women don't want you, just leave the country. And you don't need money and power to get a girl outside of the USA, you just have to meet some reasonable standards. When I was living in Germany, I saw a bunch of Asian guys with women. Don't buy into all the BS you read and hear about Asian males. It's mostly just white American males trying to devalue Asian males so they can get more women. American culture is very pro competition. Everyone is trying to one up each other, here.

 

[ReadyasEver]

I think Asian women are absolutely gorgeous :). But you are right about the women. My daughter is 5' 10" and athletic, I've never seen her date a guy less than 6' 2". The societal "norms" in the US are terrible.

 

[Severen]

I think Asian women are absolutely gorgeous :). But you are right about the women. My daughter is 5' 10" and athletic, I've never seen her date a guy less than 6' 2". The societal "norms" in the US are terrible.

I know a lot of American women who can be happy with you as long as you aren't shorter than them. And I've seen guys in Germany who were shorter than their girlfriends... And then even I was like WTF? The world is a big and diverse place with all kinds of women.

 

[LoNatural]

Looks, money and status are the only things that attract women for the most part. In terms of difficulty, it´s just supply and demand.

 

[Johnnythefox]

Looks, money and status

I would disagree with that, although looks can help, if you have no personality and the humour of a brick then you're going to bore them to death. Make them laugh and compliment them, tell them how nice they look, and if you can sing you've cracked it .
If a woman only wants you for your money then she's not worth it.
Status, although birds of a feather generally stick together, this is not always the case. If she only wants you because you have a big car and fancy job, then again, she's not worth it.
Not all women are gold diggers and it's foolish to assume otherwise.

 

[Madame Psychosis]

Nobody wants my ass

Squats might help tone your ass.

 

[LoNatural]

I would disagree with that, although looks can help, if you have no personality and the humour of a brick then you're going to bore them to death. Make them laugh and compliment them, tell them how nice they look, and if you can sing you've cracked it .
If a woman only wants you for your money then she's not worth it.
Status, although birds of a feather generally stick together, this is not always the case. If she only wants you because you have a big car and fancy job, then again, she's not worth it.
Not all women are gold diggers and it's foolish to assume otherwise.

Yes, there is much more than looks money and status, but those three magical things are the natural triggers for attraction. I can't prove it but my experience and a lot of research from evolutionary psychology (The evolution of desire , A Billion Wicked Thoughts...) these are the most powerful and universal triggers for attraction in girls.
Things like sense of humor and personality are just ways to avoid harsh truths and keep all males interested and willing to invest in them.
It's the same as us guys with tits, asses...etc, we can´t help it. There is no one to blame for this, but we have to realise those things.

 

[Madame Psychosis]

My friend and I did the whole online dating thing for a little while and concluded that it doesn't work for a few reasons.

1. If you're not stunningly attractive, you don't have a chance. Apps like Tinder are very visually-oriented, displaying your picture first and your profile description second, assuming the user liked your looks enough to tap your face in the first place. My friend and I did an experiment where we wrote identical profiles, down to the word. She got dozens of matches, I got a few. Guess who has the prettier face between the two of us?
2. Some people who use dating apps intend to date, others just want to hook up. It's really tough to tell the difference until you actually meet in person.
3. Dating apps prioritize users' interests, under the false assumption that two people who like kayaking will really hit it off. Comparability is far less quantifiable. I think healthier relationships actually spring from a divergence of interests and the mutual curiosity that springs from that divergence.
4. @Johnnythefox put this one quite eloquently:

IRL there are many factors at play in attraction, body language, eye contact, tone of voice, pheromones and many more of which we are unaware of.

Online dating does away with so many nuances of human interaction that draw people to each other, nuances that go beyond interests or facial structure or whatever else you can cram in a profile.

 

[Johnnythefox]

My friend and I did the whole online dating thing for a little while and concluded that it doesn't work for a few reasons.

1. If you're not stunningly attractive, you don't have a chance. Apps like Tinder are very visually-oriented, displaying your picture first and your profile description second, assuming the user liked your looks enough to tap your face in the first place. My friend and I did an experiment where we wrote identical profiles, down to word. She got dozens of matches, I got a few. Guess who has the prettier face between the two of us?
2. Some people who use dating apps intend to date, others just want to hook up. It's really tough to tell the difference until you actually meet in person.
3. Dating apps prioritize users' interests, under the false assumption that two people who like kayaking will really hit it off. Comparability is far less quantifiable. I think healthier relationships actually spring from a divergence of interests and the mutual curiosity that springs from that divergence.
4. @Johnnythefox put this one quite eloquently:

Online dating does away with so many nuances of human interaction that draw people to each other, nuances that go beyond interests or facial structure or whatever else you can cram in a profile.

Extremely well put, and anyone can be anything they want to be online.

 

[JustAboutDone]

and anyone can be anything they want to be online.

I cannot agree with this enough

Agree times 10,000