Lextyle
What is this - Life?
- Apr 6, 2026
- 225
Looking at how I used to make games, remembering it, and crying.
I just enjoyed games: woke up, programmed a game, watched videos, didn't sleep because of how captivated I was by it, and didn't notice time flying by.
And I was just fucking shattered.
I came up with so many reasons that the world is meaningless—about evolution, about the brain—just to justify suicidal thoughts, which are there because I just shattered.
I was just lost and in constant derealization. I didn't understand how I can know anything or what is even going on.
Because mom planted an idea in me, which became an obsession because of OCD, that I have to prove everything. In the end, I'd get to such obvious things and realize I can't prove them any further, and that I can't know anything. I just sat there in derealization didn't understand what was going on.
I fucking sat there, going from a programming problem I was trying to prove, getting all the way to the laws of physics and trying to prove them, but I couldn't, and derealization would start.
It's a very terrifying OCD that not a single psychotherapist or psychiatrist has helped me with all this time.
Mom doesn't even understand how terrifying the OCD that started in me because of her is.
She thought I was suffering like that back then only because of school, or comparing myself in olympiads.
But in reality, the main cause of my mental problems was exactly this OCD, which she still doesn't understand.
She's like, "Well, why do you need to prove it? You're solving it for yourself; nobody demands proofs."
But she was the one demanding that the solution be entirely mine and proven. And after that, it doesn't matter anymore if she stops demanding it or not; it already becomes an obsession that separates from her and becomes a demand in my own head.
I don't know, it's so fucking stupid what happened. Why, fucking why?
I just enjoyed games: woke up, programmed a game, watched videos, didn't sleep because of how captivated I was by it, and didn't notice time flying by.
And I was just fucking shattered.
I came up with so many reasons that the world is meaningless—about evolution, about the brain—just to justify suicidal thoughts, which are there because I just shattered.
I was just lost and in constant derealization. I didn't understand how I can know anything or what is even going on.
Because mom planted an idea in me, which became an obsession because of OCD, that I have to prove everything. In the end, I'd get to such obvious things and realize I can't prove them any further, and that I can't know anything. I just sat there in derealization didn't understand what was going on.
I fucking sat there, going from a programming problem I was trying to prove, getting all the way to the laws of physics and trying to prove them, but I couldn't, and derealization would start.
It's a very terrifying OCD that not a single psychotherapist or psychiatrist has helped me with all this time.
Mom doesn't even understand how terrifying the OCD that started in me because of her is.
She thought I was suffering like that back then only because of school, or comparing myself in olympiads.
But in reality, the main cause of my mental problems was exactly this OCD, which she still doesn't understand.
She's like, "Well, why do you need to prove it? You're solving it for yourself; nobody demands proofs."
But she was the one demanding that the solution be entirely mine and proven. And after that, it doesn't matter anymore if she stops demanding it or not; it already becomes an obsession that separates from her and becomes a demand in my own head.
I don't know, it's so fucking stupid what happened. Why, fucking why?
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