Why does something only feel wrong when I’m not suicidal?

[Iris Blue]

For about a couple years in a row I've been constantly depressed, suicidal and almost every other emotion in between with only one short period -a few months ago where I felt completely emotionally numb. Like where I couldn't even think or reimagine the thoughts and feelings I had of wanting to die all the time or where I wasn't crying every day and night.

These past few months I was waiting for my apartment lease to be over so I can finally CTB and I had months of planning and counting the days until I could kill myself. But now that I'm moved back with my dad the thought of wanting to die all the time or being depressed 24/7 is no longer there? It's like the last time that it happened so unexpectedly and just not feeling like myself (which is all the worst parts of me but for me my usual).

Maybe from all of the draining work leading up to the move I'm just burnt out? I don't feel "inspired" or wanting to make something out of being alive. I'm just waiting for this numb robotic feeling to end to hopefully be able to continue and go through with my original plan to CTB.

Is there something wrong with me for hating not being miserable all the time? When I should be grateful and happy I'm just skeptical and wanting to go back to my "normal". Even if it was hell.

 

[F@#$]

Misery is oddly comforting.

 

[pochii]

I understand. After being miserable for so long its what you are used to yk? I guess its best to just understand that of course it will be uncomfy for a bit as you get used to feeling okay. Feeling grateful will come in time im sure ^^

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

Because it's always wrong. It just hits less when we want to CTB, because when we want CTB, there is nothing to lose.

 

[Smelly_ballz]

I am too used to the pain that when it lessens (its always temporary), it feels very uncomfortable. It also makes me feel like I was faking being in so much pain. I felt miserable but I couldn't find the motivation to die, so I also felt stuck.

 

[hi-okbye]

i completly get it. your used to the feeling, so when it's gone it feels weird. at this point i feel like my mental instability is all i am. i don't know who i am other than the highs and lows. i hate it when i feel "normal", it's uncomfortable. i only like being really happy, or really sad.

something i like to do when i'm in that in-between state is to keep myself busy, maybe sleeping, drawing, walking, etc.

something kind of weird i like to do is listen to music too. maybe that's not weird but the reason might be. i notice most of my songs are usually really upbeat an happy and energetic, or like really depressing and sad. maybe it's not good to be changing my mood every few minutes, but i find it helps put me back in my comfort pattern.

 

[Ontwon]

i completly get it. your used to the feeling, so when it's gone it feels weird. at this point i feel like my mental instability is all i am. i don't know who i am other than the highs and lows. i hate it when i feel "normal", it's uncomfortable. i only like being really happy, or really sad.

something i like to do when i'm in that in-between state is to keep myself busy, maybe sleeping, drawing, walking, etc.

something kind of weird i like to do is listen to music too. maybe that's not weird but the reason might be. i notice most of my songs are usually really upbeat an happy and energetic, or like really depressing and sad. maybe it's not good to be changing my mood every few minutes, but i find it helps put me back in my comfort pattern.

Wow, are you me??

 

[Iris Blue]

I am too used to the pain that when it lessens (its always temporary), it feels very uncomfortable. It also makes me feel like I was faking being in so much pain. I felt miserable but I couldn't find the motivation to die, so I also felt stuck.

I completely agree I was to the point where it was constant thinking and planning on how to die, I was completely positive I wouldn't be here by the end of this month. Part of me almost tries to push those thoughts and emotions almost urging them to come back because I still know that I don't want to live my full life on this planet but the steps towards making that happen kind of disappeared somehow. But the way you described it as feeling stuck really sums it up, I couldn't put a description to it but now I have one so thank you :) the last time something like this happened it was only for about a week or so, so if it's the same thing this "high" should be about done soon.

i completly get it. your used to the feeling, so when it's gone it feels weird. at this point i feel like my mental instability is all i am. i don't know who i am other than the highs and lows. i hate it when i feel "normal", it's uncomfortable. i only like being really happy, or really sad.

something i like to do when i'm in that in-between state is to keep myself busy, maybe sleeping, drawing, walking, etc.

something kind of weird i like to do is listen to music too. maybe that's not weird but the reason might be. i notice most of my songs are usually really upbeat an happy and energetic, or like really depressing and sad. maybe it's not good to be changing my mood every few minutes, but i find it helps put me back in my comfort pattern.

For real though! I've noticed I've been more irritated lately, also during when I was really depressed and suicidal but now it seems being pissed at the world is all I have left.

Also with the music thing, I get that too. Most of my playlist consist of somewhat sad songs or just songs with meaning. And this one particular song would always pop up and no matter where I was or what I was doing when it was playing I'd completely break down. And when I heard it during when I was not feeling anything it just seemed like a song to me, not something that I could relate to so much. And although it caused pain and sadness to hear it, it also caused some comfort knowing and hearing an artist put to words some of the emotions that I felt so much. I suggest maybe checking it out if you like that kinda stuff it's called "I can't carry this anymore" by Anson Seabra

 

[Kit1]

For about a couple years in a row I've been constantly depressed, suicidal and almost every other emotion in between with only one short period -a few months ago where I felt completely emotionally numb. Like where I couldn't even think or reimagine the thoughts and feelings I had of wanting to die all the time or where I wasn't crying every day and night.

These past few months I was waiting for my apartment lease to be over so I can finally CTB and I had months of planning and counting the days until I could kill myself. But now that I'm moved back with my dad the thought of wanting to die all the time or being depressed 24/7 is no longer there? It's like the last time that it happened so unexpectedly and just not feeling like myself (which is all the worst parts of me but for me my usual).

Maybe from all of the draining work leading up to the move I'm just burnt out? I don't feel "inspired" or wanting to make something out of being alive. I'm just waiting for this numb robotic feeling to end to hopefully be able to continue and go through with my original plan to CTB.

Is there something wrong with me for hating not being miserable all the time? When I should be grateful and happy I'm just skeptical and wanting to go back to my "normal". Even if it was hell.

Have you tried the Recovery section at all?