Why does nobody care about my plans to ctb soon

[ChildOfLove]

I've explicitly told my only friend about my plans to ctb by the end of this month, told him I bought SN (sadly it has yet to be delivered because I fucked up my first order) and meto and that I cannot keep going. He knows he could stop me, so my question is if I ever mattered to him even just a tiny bit, why does he not care? Wouldn't he at least try or wanna spend at least some time with me before I leave? He has gone completely quiet on me and doesn't even check up on me anymore. Like I get it that he is tired of me and everything, but then again I don't understand how he can sit idly by knowing that my literal life is on the line. I guess it won't matter once I do it. But it hurts so damn much. I really believed that even if the rest of this world didn't care, he would be there until the end. I hate that I am all alone and these are my last days. I'm likely stuck waiting longer for the SN because of Easter and shipping delays.

I was planning on sending a long goodbye and apology to him but since he probably muted me on disc he won't even be notified. I thought about sending it to his girlfriend who despises me and says I am ruining her life instead, but she will likely dismiss it and won't even tell him I texted her with something like this. I don't know what to do. I won't be leaving notes for anyone else. Just that one message, if it even gets read. Those will be my last words. I really wish for him to read what I've written. I don't want to disappear just like that, like I was never there.

 

[Pale_Rider]

Im gonna say people respond to death differently. Hard to know whats actually going through his mind, or his emotional state.

 

[imOK]

A different question that might be ask would be: Why do you?

 

[Worndown]

It is possible he is so overwhelmed by your statement he just kept looking and moving forward. Not everyone is prepared or even capable of processing this information.
If/when you are going do this, text him. Leave her out of this. She sounds like a "small" person and will only distract everyone.

 

[DivineSpark]

Yeah, many people dont give a fuck. I am surrounded by people who dont want me to do suicide. They love me. I pretty much live for their sake.

 

[ChildOfLove]

It is possible he is so overwhelmed by your statement he just kept looking and moving forward. Not everyone is prepared or even capable of processing this information.
If/when you are going do this, text him. Leave her out of this. She sounds like a "small" person and will only distract everyone.

Yeah ideally I would send the apology/goodbye message only to him, but I owe an apology to her as well. I feel like she doesn't want me to talk to him. On a side note last time he used her as a proxy to talk to me and she non-kindly asked of me to stop bothering the hell out of him. The least I can do is respect that boundary or at least ask before overstepping it

A different question that might be ask would be: Why do you?

I've never had anyone care about me throughout my life, and I hoped at least in death someone would. I just want to feel like I mattered.

 

[Forever Sleep]

No need to respond if it's too personal but, have you been in this situation before with them? Revealing ideation or, suggesting suicide?

It's sad to say but I think some people just can't handle the emotional rollercoaster of it all. I think maybe they distance themselves to try and shield themselves from it. It would be nicer/ kinder if they could be there for their friends but I guess some just can't.

If it's a case that your emotional well being rests on them- they could save you- type thing. Yes- they should. They should care enough to do that but again- that's a very big thing to carry- to feel responsible for someone else's life. If it's not the first time it's happened too, they may feel that they can't go through it again.

I'm so sorry you are experiencing this though. I'm not trying to blame you here. I think shit can happen to us in life to make us really need others. It's just to try to see it from his point of view.

 

[2messdup]

I've explicitly told my only friend about my plans to ctb by the end of this month, told him I bought SN (sadly it has yet to be delivered because I fucked up my first order) and meto and that I cannot keep going. He knows he could stop me, so my question is if I ever mattered to him even just a tiny bit, why does he not care? Wouldn't he at least try or wanna spend at least some time with me before I leave? He has gone completely quiet on me and doesn't even check in on me anymore. Like I get it that he is tired of me and everything, but then again I don't understand how he can sit idly by knowing that my literal life is on the line. I guess it won't matter once I do it. But it hurts so damn much. I really believed that even if the rest of this world didn't care, he would be there until the end. I hate that I am all alone and these are my last days. I'm likely stuck waiting longer for the SN because of Easter and shipping delays.

I was planning on sending a long goodbye and apology to him but since he probably muted me on disc he won't even be notified. I thought about sending it to his girlfriend who despises me and says I am ruining her life instead, but she will likely dismiss it and won't even tell him I texted her with something like this. I don't know what to do. I won't be leaving notes for anyone else. Just that one message, if it even gets read. Those will be my last words. I really wish for him to read what I've written. I don't want to disappear just like that, like I was never there.

He's scared and doesn't know what to say or do maybe?

Yeah ideally I would send the apology/goodbye message only to him, but I owe an apology to her as well. I feel like she doesn't want me to talk to him. On a side note last time he used her as a proxy to talk to me and she non-kindly asked of me to stop bothering the hell out of him. The least I can do is respect that boundary or at least ask before overstepping it


I've never had anyone care about me throughout my life, and I hoped at least in death someone would. I just want to feel like I mattered.

You matter to us. You're part of this community.

 

[ChildOfLove]

No need to respond if it's too personal but, have you been in this situation before with them? Revealing ideation or, suggesting suicide?

It's sad to say but I think some people just can't handle the emotional rollercoaster of it all. I think maybe they distance themselves to try and shield themselves from it. It would be nicer/ kinder if they could be there for their friends but I guess some just can't.

If it's a case that your emotional well being rests on them- they could save you- type thing. Yes- they should. They should care enough to do that but again- that's a very big thing to carry- to feel responsible for someone else's life. If it's not the first time it's happened too, they may feel that they can't go through it again.

I'm so sorry you are experiencing this though. I'm not trying to blame you here. I think shit can happen to us in life to make us really need others. It's just to try to see it from his point of view.

I might have been in this situation with him before I suppose. Well, not exactly. I have attempted ctb after he left me last year. Seven months later he came back and I told him about it. He also was planning on doing it, but something stopped him in the end, and he told me about it too. We are both suicidal and have our fair share of problems. We've also always been quite open about ideation and wanting to die and whatnot.

And yeah, you guessed it, I am painfully dependent on him for my well-being. But to be fair, I don't want to be saved. My only wish is probably to spend some time with him before I ctb. It's been over three weeks since we last spoke. I don't really talk to anyone else, like I said he's my only friend, and that makes it all the more painful.

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

maybe doesn't know what to do

 

[Forever Sleep]

I might have been in this situation with him before I suppose. Well, not exactly. I have attempted ctb after he left me last year. Seven months later he came back and I told him about it. He also was planning on doing it, but something stopped him in the end, and he told me about it too. We are both suicidal and have our fair share of problems. We've also always been quite open about ideation and wanting to die and whatnot.

And yeah, you guessed it, I am painfully dependent on him for my well-being. But to be fair, I don't want to be saved. My only wish is probably to spend some time with him before I ctb. It's been over three weeks since we last spoke. I don't really talk to anyone else, like I said he's my only friend, and that makes it all the more painful.

I feel so bad for you. You obviously have a mutually close and dependent relationship. I can to some extent relate to really needing someone and then, losing them. Both friends and family members.

I wonder- if he is attempting to recover- whether that is part of it also. That he may feel it's too triggering for him at the moment. It's very sad because I feel like if you do do it, he may well regret not being there for you. I suppose we can only act on how we feel at the time though.

It's not exactly mature and, it isn't anywhere near the same but- when I knew a close friend of mine was moving far away, I began to distance myself from them beforehand. It was a bit cruel but, I felt like I needed a cooling off period before the full break. Sometimes, we probably know how we should act but, we may not have the strength ourselves to do it. It's selfish self protection I suppose. A little petty too- a kind of- if you're going to leave me, I'll leave first.

Obviously, there ought to be more compassion with a suicide attempt but, I guess we are fallable as humans. Sadly, I've heard numerous stories of people being abandoned when they're honest with friends and loved ones. And, they wonder why people keep quiet about it. I hope you do have some contact beforehand.

 

[ChildOfLove]

maybe doesn't know what to do

I just want him to talk to me...

 

[Cinnamorolls]

Unfortunately, many people don't take talk of suicide seriously and think suicidal people are just lying/baiting, either for attention or to manipulate them. So they just ignore the suicidal person or put aside all discussion of the suicide, thinking the person will just move on and they were never really going to do it. Might be the case here.

 

[waitin2go]

This right here (that he also has ctb ideation). His GF probably finds you as an enabler for him to ctb and that's why she hates you (and is fair on her end too)

He probably is unresponsive to you because he knows he would probably want to join you, so either his SI or self preservation conscience or overwhelm or even GF had forced him to unfortunately be cut off from you.

This is bigger than whether you matter to him or not, there's LOADS at play here, and it's probably best for your conscience to show some compassion and forgive him... Not everyone is strong enough to take care of someone else's mental health

I guess in a way I'm speaking in his defense because I'm also like him in some ways where no matter how much I care for someone, due to my own internal struggles I'm not able to show up; and I had been trashed for it by people who expect me to put my internal struggles aside to show up for them in the way(s) that they would want me to which unfortunately I don't have the mental/emotional strength to.

If he's anything like me, trust me he cares deeply and especially so because he also has ctb ideation, is secretly also hoping for you find peace whether it's the chosen method (ctb) or some miracle that allows you peace in choosing to live. He just is unable to show up due to his own struggles, that's all.

Edit: he probably is also torn between encouraging you/holding your hand (as someone who is somewhat in the same position) but also that means he is agreeing to let you go (and he'll be the one to stay on, which i could imagine to be soul-crushing i.e. "you had the courage to go but I didn't, and now I'm here alone"). It's extremely hard to say goodbye to someone you care about - just imagine how hard it is for people to accept their terminally ill loved ones leaving even though they KNOW that they'd be gone eventually... In his mental state he probably knows being there for you/knowing you going will also drive him over the edge and he wants to prevent that (self-preservation is a beytch) - probably more for his gf than for himself

That's kinda also one of the reasons i'm here; to make friends who can virtually hold my hands when the bus comes because I really don't want this burden on people who've cared for me around me physically.

So sorry you only have him to depend on mentally & emotionally - hope you can find comfort in this forum to reduce your dependency on him for support

I might have been in this situation with him before I suppose. Well, not exactly. I have attempted ctb after he left me last year. Seven months later he came back and I told him about it. He also was planning on doing it, but something stopped him in the end, and he told me about it too. We are both suicidal and have our fair share of problems. We've also always been quite open about ideation and wanting to die and whatnot.

And yeah, you guessed it, I am painfully dependent on him for my well-being. But to be fair, I don't want to be saved. My only wish is probably to spend some time with him before I ctb. It's been over three weeks since we last spoke. I don't really talk to anyone else, like I said he's my only friend, and that makes it all the more painful.

 

[ChildOfLove]

Unfortunately, many people don't take talk of suicide seriously and think suicidal people are just lying/baiting, either for attention or to manipulate them. So they just ignore the suicidal person or put aside all discussion of the suicide, thinking the person will just move on and they were never really going to do it. Might be the case here.

I really doubt that he wouldn't take me seriously, especially given my history of mental health struggles and past suicide attempts, which he knows about. He's also struggling with suicidal thoughts himself, so I'd expect him to understand more than most. I was actually terrified that he might doubt my intentions, which is why I ended up sending him pictures and "proof" - showing that I bought meto and ordered SN. I know that was wrong and could've been very overwhelming for him and I shouldn't have done it.
I am always afraid of not being taken seriously because people have never taken me seriously. Not even my parents, who think that I can't have ever attempted suicide and that I am "making everything up" and lying to my therapist and psychiatrist. I am more inclined to believe that he is refusing to engage because it's easier for him to delude himself into believing that I won't actually ctb.

 

[wiggy]

There's a plethora of reasons why your friend might not feel compelled to stop you. His motivations could be callous or noble, nobody knows but him. Still, it's important to understand you are solely responsible for this decision, and you alone will bear the consequence. If you are hoping for someone to intervene and stop you from doing it, I would advise you to reconsider - really, the only one who can intervene is yourself.

 

[ChildOfLove]

This right here (that he also has ctb ideation). His GF probably finds you as an enabler for him to ctb and that's why she hates you (and is fair on her end too)

He probably is unresponsive to you because he knows he would probably want to join you, so either his SI or self preservation conscience or overwhelm or even GF had forced him to unfortunately be cut off from you.

This is bigger than whether you matter to him or not, there's LOADS at play here, and it's probably best for your conscience to show some compassion and forgive him... Not everyone is strong enough to take care of someone else's mental health

I guess in a way I'm speaking in his defense because I'm also like him in some ways where no matter how much I care for someone, due to my own internal struggles I'm not able to show up; and I had been trashed for it by people who expect me to put my internal struggles aside to show up for them in the way(s) that they would want me to which unfortunately I don't have the mental/emotional strength to.

If he's anything like me, trust me he cares deeply and especially so because he also has ctb ideation, is secretly also hoping for you find peace whether it's the chosen method (ctb) or some miracle that allows you peace in choosing to live. He just is unable to show up due to his own struggles, that's all.

Edit: he probably is also torn between encouraging you/holding your hand (as someone who is somewhat in the same position) but also that means he is agreeing to let you go (and he'll be the one to stay on, which i could imagine to be soul-crushing i.e. "you had the courage to go but I didn't, and now I'm here alone"). It's extremely hard to say goodbye to someone you care about - just imagine how hard it is for people to accept their terminally ill loved ones leaving even though they KNOW that they'd be gone eventually... In his mental state he probably knows being there for you/knowing you going will also drive him over the edge and he wants to prevent that (self-preservation is a beytch) - probably more for his gf than for himself

That's kinda also one of the reasons i'm here; to make friends who can virtually hold my hands when the bus comes because I really don't want this burden on people who've cared for me around me physically.

So sorry you only have him to depend on mentally & emotionally - hope you can find comfort in this forum to reduce your dependency on him for support

She actually told me she resents me essentially because I am friends with him -- a guy who is 26, with me being 18. Which is more than understandable. I've known him since I was 16 and we've even engaged in some inappropriate (and illegal at the time) stuff which she knows about, but they are not in a monogamous relationship anymore so I guess she's fine with it. She's definitely not fine with my age, though. Maybe she blames me for how he behaved back then or something. She did also imply that she hated me cause I was making him get worse and that I was not a good presence in his life. Sounds about right.

I do understand his point of view and even if it hurts me, I'd actually never confront him about it or hold it against him. He's done a lot for me and I guess I am just asking for too much from a person who already has a lot on their mind and can barely handle it. Hell, I should know this better than anyone. But yeah, thank you for saying all that. I appreciate it a lot :)

There's a plethora of reasons why your friend might not feel compelled to stop you. His motivations could be callous or noble, nobody knows but him. Still, it's important to understand you are solely responsible for this decision, and you alone will bear the consequence. If you are hoping for someone to intervene and stop you from doing it, I would advise you to reconsider - really, the only one who can intervene is yourself.

I don't want for anyone to stop me or intervene, even if he tried to I am sure of my decision and will not back out. I was confused by his behavior and felt like he couldn't have cared less about me, which hurt me a lot and still does.