Why do people always say "it wasn't your fault" to the family/friends of people who CTB?

[MillieXIO]

I noticed this while watching videos people post after 'loved ones' CTB. In the comments, several people swear up and down that it's not the posters fault, there's nothing you could've done etc etc.
It's left me wondering how accurate that is. To be honest, I can think of several people to directly blame for my mental spiral if I were to kill myself. In the end, it would be because I hate myself, or because I hate being alive, and that IS my emotion... But several people have directly contributed to my arrival to that mindset. Surely, people can draw this conclusion as well, even if they can't understand the magnitude of the pain that we go through. Surely they can observe the past events, and draw lines back to certain mindsets.
For example, my parents used to call me stupid and disregard my mental state or what might be going on in my head whenever I came home with bad grades. I would have missing assignments and they would demand to know why I didn't do them. I would honestly reply that "I forgot," because I DID forget. Basically as soon as I left the class the homework was assigned in, it would leave my mind... I would go home and guess which classes had homework, only to be able to recall the assignment of maybe 1 or 2 classes. I had ADHD, I needed management methods and medication, but they just called me stupid and lazy. I'm in college now, and I still occasionally find myself giving up on assignments because "I'm just stupid and lazy." I've failed classes over this mindset, which further contributes to my sense of worthlessness.
It's things like this that I'm talking about. If I were to die, people would tell my parents it's not their fault.
It is. If you sand away at a rock climbers rope, then it breaks and they fall to their death, YOU made the rope break. You are why they died. It's the same principle, isn't it?
I just want other thoughts on this. Maybe I'm being too negative and blaming everything but myself.

 

[peachraspberrysoop]

I think it might be too nuanced to have a yes or a no answer? Maybe others are thinking in terms of action, whereas you're thinking about reaction. I think it can be hard for others to understand the complexities of suicide if they might not have been in a position where they are truly considering it, and they might see it as the action of suicide, wherein the person who has committed was the one who made the decision. I think it's also wired into many people to comfort and reassure those who are grieving, and they may not wish to contribute to that person's own anguish. Despite this, you do offer another perspective and you're right in many ways. I think it's just an extremely subjective topic dependent on perspective.

 

[Namelesa]

A part of it could be is just being ignorant of what we go through or wanting to blame us for it as we ultimately end with the final choice of dying early. Definitely others should be part of the blame for our suicides tho as ultimately, other people's actions do have an effect on others and the way we act in the future. I wish the horrible people that partially or fully caused this to us could realize their fault in the amount of suffering we feel and feel guilty about it but sadly they will try to avoid that guilt and others will reassure them they are not at fault cus they don't see what they did.

 

[MillieXIO]

A part of it could be is just being ignorant of what we go through or wanting to blame us for it as we ultimately end with the final choice of dying early. Definitely others should be part of the blame for our suicides tho as ultimately, other people's actions do have an effect on others and the way we act in the future. I wish the horrible people that partially or fully caused this to us could realize their fault in the amount of suffering we feel and feel guilty about it but sadly they will try to avoid that guilt and others will reassure them they are not at fault cus they don't see what they did.

Yes. I would never wish this pain on anybody, and I mean that sincerely. I just wish they would know. I don't think apologizing would help me much, so I don't want that... I just want them to know.

I think it might be too nuanced to have a yes or a no answer? Maybe others are thinking in terms of action, whereas you're thinking about reaction. I think it can be hard for others to understand the complexities of suicide if they might not have been in a position where they are truly considering it, and they might see it as the action of suicide, wherein the person who has committed was the one who made the decision. I think it's also wired into many people to comfort and reassure those who are grieving, and they may not wish to contribute to that person's own anguish. Despite this, you do offer another perspective and you're right in many ways. I think it's just an extremely subjective topic dependent on perspective.

Yeah... I guess it won't matter what they do or think really, because the person is gone and no amount of accountability will bring them back. I also don't want people to be anguished after my death or the death of someone they knew... I just want them to know what they've done. It's like when someone tells you to "let it go" after somebody makes you angry or hurts you emotionally. How can I let it go? It just isn't fair.

 

[alwaysalone]

I noticed this while watching videos people post after 'loved ones' CTB. In the comments, several people swear up and down that it's not the posters fault, there's nothing you could've done etc etc.
It's left me wondering how accurate that is. To be honest, I can think of several people to directly blame for my mental spiral if I were to kill myself. In the end, it would be because I hate myself, or because I hate being alive, and that IS my emotion... But several people have directly contributed to my arrival to that mindset. Surely, people can draw this conclusion as well, even if they can't understand the magnitude of the pain that we go through. Surely they can observe the past events, and draw lines back to certain mindsets.
For example, my parents used to call me stupid and disregard my mental state or what might be going on in my head whenever I came home with bad grades. I would have missing assignments and they would demand to know why I didn't do them. I would honestly reply that "I forgot," because I DID forget. Basically as soon as I left the class the homework was assigned in, it would leave my mind... I would go home and guess which classes had homework, only to be able to recall the assignment of maybe 1 or 2 classes. I had ADHD, I needed management methods and medication, but they just called me stupid and lazy. I'm in college now, and I still occasionally find myself giving up on assignments because "I'm just stupid and lazy." I've failed classes over this mindset, which further contributes to my sense of worthlessness.
It's things like this that I'm talking about. If I were to die, people would tell my parents it's not their fault.
It is. If you sand away at a rock climbers rope, then it breaks and they fall to their death, YOU made the rope break. You are why they died. It's the same principle, isn't it?
I just want other thoughts on this. Maybe I'm being too negative and blaming everything but myself.

While others may contribute its ultimately our choice. I feel like if we are willing to make the choice and fight for the right to make the choice we have to be willing to take responsibility for that choice.

 

[Wolf Girl]

While others may contribute its ultimately our choice. I feel like if we are willing to make the choice and fight for the right to make the choice we have to be willing to take responsibility for that choice.

Spot on. It doesn't make much sense to come on a pro-choice forum and say that ctb is not your choice. If it's not what you want, OP, you can choose not to.

 

[GhostInTheMachine]

I noticed this while watching videos people post after 'loved ones' CTB. In the comments, several people swear up and down that it's not the posters fault, there's nothing you could've done etc etc.
It's left me wondering how accurate that is. To be honest, I can think of several people to directly blame for my mental spiral if I were to kill myself. In the end, it would be because I hate myself, or because I hate being alive, and that IS my emotion... But several people have directly contributed to my arrival to that mindset. Surely, people can draw this conclusion as well, even if they can't understand the magnitude of the pain that we go through. Surely they can observe the past events, and draw lines back to certain mindsets.
For example, my parents used to call me stupid and disregard my mental state or what might be going on in my head whenever I came home with bad grades. I would have missing assignments and they would demand to know why I didn't do them. I would honestly reply that "I forgot," because I DID forget. Basically as soon as I left the class the homework was assigned in, it would leave my mind... I would go home and guess which classes had homework, only to be able to recall the assignment of maybe 1 or 2 classes. I had ADHD, I needed management methods and medication, but they just called me stupid and lazy. I'm in college now, and I still occasionally find myself giving up on assignments because "I'm just stupid and lazy." I've failed classes over this mindset, which further contributes to my sense of worthlessness.
It's things like this that I'm talking about. If I were to die, people would tell my parents it's not their fault.
It is. If you sand away at a rock climbers rope, then it breaks and they fall to their death, YOU made the rope break. You are why they died. It's the same principle, isn't it?
I just want other thoughts on this. Maybe I'm being too negative and blaming everything but myself.

Mainly because the "loved ones" of the people who CTB either don't want to accept any sort of responsibility for their "loss", or they're taking on too much blame for it. Even though the deceased is the one who ultimately commits the act, I do not believe they are responsible for the entirety of that choice. To suggest so would mean that people who kill themselves to escape bullying and harassment, among other ongoing traumas are now primarily responsible for that choice. It's essentially blaming the victim for not just sitting there and continuing to suffer their agony.

 

[MillieXIO]

Spot on. It doesn't make much sense to come on a pro-choice forum and say that ctb is not your choice. If it's not what you want, OP, you can choose not to.

I didn't say it wasn't our choice. Of course it's our choice. But outside influences drove us here. Yes, in the end I hate myself and the way my life is going and don't want to be here anymore. But I can't help but reflect on WHY and WHO brought me here. I'm among that list of people, obviously, but it's completely incorrect to say no one else had a hand in it. It's like abusing a dog and blaming it when it bites you.

 

[xiaoxiongmao]

The same amount of trauma, some people can handle but some cannot—even the same person can handle it to various degree depending on how much damage they have received. So it is in some sense our limit and our choice.

However I disagree claims like "you wouldn't have saved them", "they would have done it anyway", I think it is always possible for someone to find a meaning to grasp on, and that meaning alone can save this person.

I also think despite ending our life is our choice, treating people like shit and making them suffer from unnecessary mental damage is not innocent, regardless of whether suicide is committed. And the sad reality is without severe consequences like death, many issues are merely overlooked and much pain is dismissed. So I dislike this "not your fault" attitude, be a man, admit what could have been done better and improve.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I suppose partly, it's not to rub salt in a wound. They are likely to be in deep grief. I guess you wouldn't add to it by saying: 'Was it because you failed them? Were you a shit parent/ partner/ sibling/ friend? What did you do to upset them? Did you support them enough?' It's probably not the time for making them feel guilty. Plus, even if they own up to their mistakes, it doesn't undo them. It doesn't bring the person back.

I do agree though. In some cases- perhaps many cases, it's possibly inaccurate to say: 'There's nothing you could have done. It's through no action of yours.'

I suppose you also have to consider whether the person who was suffering wanted people to help them. Sometimes we do push people away and we may not enjoy being strong armed into therapy etc. So, were they being kind in respecting our space or, did they just not care?

I suppose the cause behind ideation also plays a part in whether we will actually carry it out. My ideation also began young- aged 10. Also from the direct action/ inaction of my parents ultimately. Beyond that though, I tend to consider whether it was malicious. It was more lazy and selfishly motivated I think.

So, while I suppose I do honestly blame my Dad for certain things, I also love him a great deal. Enough to not want to inflict my suicide on him. As for my step family though, I feel less obligation towards them. They are a large part of this mess. Not that I want to inflict pain or guilt deliberately but to an extent- you reap what you sow. I think people with 'loved ones' around who have been abusive or neglectful are more likely to show them less loyalty in the action of actual going ahead with suicide. So, there's that side of it too.

 

[Pluto]