
MillieXIO
Member
- Jul 31, 2023
- 25
I noticed this while watching videos people post after 'loved ones' CTB. In the comments, several people swear up and down that it's not the posters fault, there's nothing you could've done etc etc.
It's left me wondering how accurate that is. To be honest, I can think of several people to directly blame for my mental spiral if I were to kill myself. In the end, it would be because I hate myself, or because I hate being alive, and that IS my emotion... But several people have directly contributed to my arrival to that mindset. Surely, people can draw this conclusion as well, even if they can't understand the magnitude of the pain that we go through. Surely they can observe the past events, and draw lines back to certain mindsets.
For example, my parents used to call me stupid and disregard my mental state or what might be going on in my head whenever I came home with bad grades. I would have missing assignments and they would demand to know why I didn't do them. I would honestly reply that "I forgot," because I DID forget. Basically as soon as I left the class the homework was assigned in, it would leave my mind... I would go home and guess which classes had homework, only to be able to recall the assignment of maybe 1 or 2 classes. I had ADHD, I needed management methods and medication, but they just called me stupid and lazy. I'm in college now, and I still occasionally find myself giving up on assignments because "I'm just stupid and lazy." I've failed classes over this mindset, which further contributes to my sense of worthlessness.
It's things like this that I'm talking about. If I were to die, people would tell my parents it's not their fault.
It is. If you sand away at a rock climbers rope, then it breaks and they fall to their death, YOU made the rope break. You are why they died. It's the same principle, isn't it?
I just want other thoughts on this. Maybe I'm being too negative and blaming everything but myself.
It's left me wondering how accurate that is. To be honest, I can think of several people to directly blame for my mental spiral if I were to kill myself. In the end, it would be because I hate myself, or because I hate being alive, and that IS my emotion... But several people have directly contributed to my arrival to that mindset. Surely, people can draw this conclusion as well, even if they can't understand the magnitude of the pain that we go through. Surely they can observe the past events, and draw lines back to certain mindsets.
For example, my parents used to call me stupid and disregard my mental state or what might be going on in my head whenever I came home with bad grades. I would have missing assignments and they would demand to know why I didn't do them. I would honestly reply that "I forgot," because I DID forget. Basically as soon as I left the class the homework was assigned in, it would leave my mind... I would go home and guess which classes had homework, only to be able to recall the assignment of maybe 1 or 2 classes. I had ADHD, I needed management methods and medication, but they just called me stupid and lazy. I'm in college now, and I still occasionally find myself giving up on assignments because "I'm just stupid and lazy." I've failed classes over this mindset, which further contributes to my sense of worthlessness.
It's things like this that I'm talking about. If I were to die, people would tell my parents it's not their fault.
It is. If you sand away at a rock climbers rope, then it breaks and they fall to their death, YOU made the rope break. You are why they died. It's the same principle, isn't it?
I just want other thoughts on this. Maybe I'm being too negative and blaming everything but myself.