Venting WHY DO MEN

[Liseli]

Disclaimer:
First of all nothing against any men here or those who don't harass women. I'm aware most of them are just chill an mind their own business. Most men I talked to on sasu especially were so so kind.

Anyway. So I have social anxiety. I can talk to people and be like "normal-ish", but today I was just at the park and a random man approached me and asked me 3 times for my number...The thing is he didn't ask polite or normal. He made weird comments on how I would eat the random item in my hand and stuff. I don't know. He kept harassing me 3 times. Until he took the hint. I have been the second week on my own moving and I already have 3 different instances with men where I felt unsave. I know generalizing is bad, but 2 weeks...come on. I was tripped. I was talked to weird twice. Why?? I just want to be in peace. Normally people in real life always ignored me always. So WHY now. All I want is to feel save and sound. Not to get harassed by men and have a normal life.

 

[Worndown]

I would like to say "men" do not do that.
Conquest or instant gratification is not the goal.
You met someone who makes our life more difficult. A fool.
I am sorry.

 

[Liseli]

Conquest or instant gratification is not the goal.

Sadly most see it that way. A short term entertainment :(
Same goes for the other gender too tho

 

[unluckysadness]

I think that most men on SaSu are very kind / gentlemen because at least 1/3 people here have diagnosed autism. People with autism spectrum don't give a shit with harassing other. They have other problems. Tell me if I'm wrong and if it's a cliché (I don't know many autistic people in real life).

But I feel you because I have social anxiety too and many other issues. I've been harassed all my life by people because (I think) they feel that I'm too kind and generous. It began when I was 10 at school. There are studies that say that people who are too nice attract malicious people. I confirm and I'm sure you're a nice person too. Take care with these men. People are so strange nowadays. You can always have a small tear gas canister on you in case of self-defense. Nobody has to harass you.

 

[PI3.14]

There are studies that say that people who are too nice attract malicious people.

I confirm this.

 

[dead dav]

Me too I'm a man but my good nature has been abused all my life

I confirm this.

 

[GhostInTheMachine]

A lot of guys today are being propagandized by pick-up artist culture that teaches them to harrass women until one of them relents. It's a cancer of our society that has only been getting worse with social media.

 

[MyShadow]

You did not deserve how you were treated. Not all men are like this but it seems that humanity is devolving. Things like compassion and integrity are disappearing. This is especially true in the US.

 

[Cosmophobic]

Cold approachers/ Daygamers getting advised into this behaviour from pick up artists online. Unfortunately I've seen it work too as not all women are aware of how cynical the whole thing is. Stay safe out there.

 

[Irisse]

Disclaimer:
First of all nothing against any men here or those who don't harass women. I'm aware most of them are just chill an mind their own business. Most men I talked to on sasu especially were so so kind.

Anyway. So I have social anxiety. I can talk to people and be like "normal-ish", but today I was just at the park and a random man approached me and asked me 3 times for my number...The thing is he didn't ask polite or normal. He made weird comments on how I would eat the random item in my hand and stuff. I don't know. He kept harassing me 3 times. Until he took the hint. I have been the second week on my own moving and I already have 3 different instances with men where I felt unsave. I know generalizing is bad, but 2 weeks...come on. I was tripped. I was talked to weird twice. Why?? I just want to be in peace. Normally people in real life always ignored me always. So WHY now. All I want is to feel save and sound. Not to get harassed by men and have a normal life.

I'm sorry you were in that situation, but at the same time I'm glad that it didn't escalate any further. Would you feel safer with a pepper spray?

 

[themindian]

Have you tried maybe just talking to them calmly at first telling them politely "I'm sorry but I don't want to be around you because your advances are scaring me. Please leave me alone." And the idea behind being kind instead of directly just saying no, is like to give them a chance to recognize your humanity and they might respectfully leave you alone if they're true men, yknow?

But if they advance further after you be kind to them? I would just walk away and act like they're not even there. If they touch you even once you can threaten to sue them, but literally like, you don't owe these guys anything. MAYBE once they see your strength in independence they might respect that and leave you alone.

That's just my advice. I don't really know women that well, but I did grow up solely with my sisters and my mom in my teenage hood so I mean, take it with a grain of salt I guess. Hope it helps :D

 

[MatiSendiri]

Disclaimer:
First of all nothing against any men here or those who don't harass women. I'm aware most of them are just chill an mind their own business. Most men I talked to on sasu especially were so so kind.

Anyway. So I have social anxiety. I can talk to people and be like "normal-ish", but today I was just at the park and a random man approached me and asked me 3 times for my number...The thing is he didn't ask polite or normal. He made weird comments on how I would eat the random item in my hand and stuff. I don't know. He kept harassing me 3 times. Until he took the hint. I have been the second week on my own moving and I already have 3 different instances with men where I felt unsave. I know generalizing is bad, but 2 weeks...come on. I was tripped. I was talked to weird twice. Why?? I just want to be in peace. Normally people in real life always ignored me always. So WHY now. All I want is to feel save and sound. Not to get harassed by men and have a normal life.

I'm so sorry for your condition. My advice would be to bring a safety item to kick those men out. I'd prefer pepper spray for now while you can learn basic martial arts.

 

[YandereMikuMistress]

Disclaimer:
First of all nothing against any men here or those who don't harass women. I'm aware most of them are just chill an mind their own business. Most men I talked to on sasu especially were so so kind.

Anyway. So I have social anxiety. I can talk to people and be like "normal-ish", but today I was just at the park and a random man approached me and asked me 3 times for my number...The thing is he didn't ask polite or normal. He made weird comments on how I would eat the random item in my hand and stuff. I don't know. He kept harassing me 3 times. Until he took the hint. I have been the second week on my own moving and I already have 3 different instances with men where I felt unsave. I know generalizing is bad, but 2 weeks...come on. I was tripped. I was talked to weird twice. Why?? I just want to be in peace. Normally people in real life always ignored me always. So WHY now. All I want is to feel save and sound. Not to get harassed by men and have a normal life.

I can only relate. .

 

[MatiSendiri]

Have you tried maybe just talking to them calmly at first telling them politely "I'm sorry but I don't want to be around you because your advances are scaring me. Please leave me alone." And the idea behind being kind instead of directly just saying no, is like to give them a chance to recognize your humanity and they might respectfully leave you alone if they're true men, yknow?

But if they advance further after you be kind to them? I would just walk away and act like they're not even there. If they touch you even once you can threaten to sue them, but literally like, you don't owe these guys anything. MAYBE once they see your strength in independence they might respect that and leave you alone.

That's just my advice. I don't really know women that well, but I did grow up solely with my sisters and my mom in my teenage hood so I mean, take it with a grain of salt I guess. Hope it helps :D

As a men, I like your advice since at least it encourages OP to recognize that maybe some people have different way to approach women like I am. But I too sadly knew the feeling when being harassed by other men too so I can't really recommend this to OP since that's just moving too fast.

She definitely needs peace first to open up to other people.

 

[Liseli]

Have you tried maybe just talking to them calmly at first telling them politely "I'm sorry but I don't want to be around you because your advances are scaring me. Please leave me alone." And the idea behind being kind instead of directly just saying no, is like to give them a chance to recognize your humanity and they might respectfully leave you alone if they're true men, yknow?

Semi dangerous game. I mean just walking away is a good method. A few can still follow you. I tried to be kind and wished him a good day. But if you're too "rude" the chances of violence rise too. In the whole situation I was with my classmate. She looked mortified.

 

[CumbriaCTB]

A stranger feeling entitled to your attention in public is a red flag in general (I say this as an extrovert) and it's especially bad when that desired attention is sexual in nature.

I actually used to think it wasn't much of an issue, that it doesn't happen all that often, but then I lost weight... complete strangers in the street, many old enough to be my (grand)father, now feel entitled to my attention just because they find me attractive. I haven't been threatened with violence yet - at least not in the context of rejecting sexual advances - but the catcalls, wolf-whistling, and the ocassional groping are already bad enough.

I haven't actually left the house in a few months (street harassment, both sexual and cultural, being the main reason) and naturally I've put some of that old weight back on and, strangely enough, I feel safer at a higher weight (at least the "sweet spot" where I look a bit frumpy and unappealing but not so big that I attract a different kind of harassment altogether) because maybe it'll mean strangers will not be demanding my attention in the street. Maybe.

Sincerely,
CumbriaCTB

 

[iamanavalanche]

i fcking relate. no wonder i fear men so badly when all they seem to do is harass and assault me its WEIRD.

 

[themindian]

Semi dangerous game. I mean just walking away is a good method. A few can still follow you. I tried to be kind and wished him a good day. But if you're too "rude" the chances of violence rise too. In the whole situation I was with my classmate. She looked mortified.

Yeah that makes sense, I *personally* think is to just feel free and relax and let the conversation flow. Like if you're both relaxed, you're not going to feel the urge to be violent or rude, and I just think so many people, especially ones that work so hard they don't know how to relax properly.

 

[Dejected 55]

This is a societal problem. Both men and women are encouraged to play games. It's all a game, men have to ask 100s of women so keep asking and don't care what answer you get... women are taught not to be "easy" or whatever. Not everyone plays games, but the game-players are often hard to tell from the ones not playing, because that is part of the game. Men are taught that "no means no" but also "sometimes no means yes" and women are taught "no means no" but also "don't just say no because men don't like hearing no."

It's all a mess. Most people who get into relationships end up doing it wrong, being transactional, not really caring about their partner, and the relationships never last very long. A lot of good people get left on the side either because they can't play the game OR don't want to play the game.

If men ask a woman out and she likes him, then he can practically do no wrong... but if the woman doesn't like him, then no matter how kind or courteous he is then he is a creep. A lot of men will not approach an "average" woman, but at the same time a lot of really pretty women are intimidating to men who don't want to be rejected. Some men are creepy and harass women. Some women reject men very cruelly and will laugh in a man's face if she sees him as beneath her.

I don't know who is "running" society, but men and women get a lot of bad advice.

I wish we lived in a world where a man could like a girl and go up to her and ask her out without fear of being rejected harshly and made fun of or being used. I wish we lived in a world where a woman could simply say no for ANY reason and a man would still treat her kindly and walk away without bothering her. I wish men and women both would be honest and say what they mean. Don't trick a woman just to get into her pants. Don't say no when you mean yes or maybe. Don't say yes or maybe when you mean no.

Our society tends to also be divisive so there are men who blame all women... there are women who blame all men... but it's a larger societal problem that affects both fairly equally. Women generally have more to fear in terms of physical harm from men for lots of obvious reasons. But both men and women can be abused emotionally and wrecked with trauma as a result.

I feel for anyone caught in a situation they don't want to be in... You should be able to be alone if you want to be alone. You should be able to have interactions as you want to engage in them. People should be mindful and respectful of one another. So many good people get traumatized that don't have to be, because of just bad advice and social "norms" that are harmful and even when they "work" don't lead to lasting relationships.

We could do so much better, but there doesn't seem to be a movement in that direction. If anything, it really seems to be getting worse. Abusers seem to be getting more bold and callous. Neglectful people seem to be getting more neglectful. And those of us who are on the more reserved and reasonable side who want to see the good in people, keep running into the others and feeling like we want to disappear inside of ourselves even as we also want to make meaningful connections that seem impossible.

 

[Liseli]

A stranger feeling entitled to your attention in public is a red flag in general (I say this as an extrovert) and it's especially bad when that desired attention is sexual in nature.

I actually used to think it wasn't much of an issue, that it doesn't happen all that often, but then I lost weight... complete strangers in the street, many old enough to be my (grand)father, now feel entitled to my attention just because they find me attractive. I haven't been threatened with violence yet - at least not in the context of rejecting sexual advances - but the catcalls, wolf-whistling, and the ocassional groping are already bad enough.

I haven't actually left the house in a few months (street harassment, both sexual and cultural, being the main reason) and naturally I've put some of that old weight back on and, strangely enough, I feel safer at a higher weight (at least the "sweet spot" where I look a bit frumpy and unappealing but not so big that I attract a different kind of harassment altogether) because maybe it'll mean strangers will not be demanding my attention in the street. Maybe.

Sincerely,
CumbriaCTB

Yeah that sounds pretty shitty to be in too. Im glad I wasn't groped yet. I did had weird people talk to me, but my looks are semi ugly so that wards off most of them

This is a societal problem. Both men and women are encouraged to play games. It's all a game, men have to ask 100s of women so keep asking and don't care what answer you get... women are taught not to be "easy" or whatever. Not everyone plays games, but the game-players are often hard to tell from the ones not playing, because that is part of the game. Men are taught that "no means no" but also "sometimes no means yes" and women are taught "no means no" but also "don't just say no because men don't like hearing no."

It's all a mess. Most people who get into relationships end up doing it wrong, being transactional, not really caring about their partner, and the relationships never last very long. A lot of good people get left on the side either because they can't play the game OR don't want to play the game.

If men ask a woman out and she likes him, then he can practically do no wrong... but if the woman doesn't like him, then no matter how kind or courteous he is then he is a creep. A lot of men will not approach an "average" woman, but at the same time a lot of really pretty women are intimidating to men who don't want to be rejected. Some men are creepy and harass women. Some women reject men very cruelly and will laugh in a man's face if she sees him as beneath her.

I don't know who is "running" society, but men and women get a lot of bad advice.

I wish we lived in a world where a man could like a girl and go up to her and ask her out without fear of being rejected harshly and made fun of or being used. I wish we lived in a world where a woman could simply say no for ANY reason and a man would still treat her kindly and walk away without bothering her. I wish men and women both would be honest and say what they mean. Don't trick a woman just to get into her pants. Don't say no when you mean yes or maybe. Don't say yes or maybe when you mean no.

Our society tends to also be divisive so there are men who blame all women... there are women who blame all men... but it's a larger societal problem that affects both fairly equally. Women generally have more to fear in terms of physical harm from men for lots of obvious reasons. But both men and women can be abused emotionally and wrecked with trauma as a result.

I feel for anyone caught in a situation they don't want to be in... You should be able to be alone if you want to be alone. You should be able to have interactions as you want to engage in them. People should be mindful and respectful of one another. So many good people get traumatized that don't have to be, because of just bad advice and social "norms" that are harmful and even when they "work" don't lead to lasting relationships.

We could do so much better, but there doesn't seem to be a movement in that direction. If anything, it really seems to be getting worse. Abusers seem to be getting more bold and callous. Neglectful people seem to be getting more neglectful. And those of us who are on the more reserved and reasonable side who want to see the good in people, keep running into the others and feeling like we want to disappear inside of ourselves even as we also want to make meaningful connections that seem impossible.

It's a game of cat and mice. Mostly in nature it's the same with being chased and running away. Now gladly we humans can be different. We can say no in a non harmful way. Anyone can be curel. Yes men and woman. But what I fear most is that men pay with their self esteem and women pay with their life.
Yes woman murder. But so do men. Looking at how and why. We mostly die by the hands of people who want us or were closest to us