NSFW Why do abusers target people previously victmised?

[Forever Sleep]

I've noticed it in documentaries on notorious paedophiles. Their victims are sometimes those who have previously been abused. How do they know even? Do they find out some way or, can they just sense it? But, why do they target them? Is it because they, presumably kept quiet about it the first time?

The same goes for other types of violence. I've read threads by people who have had consecutive parners who were abusive. Do they just attract a certain type? Do they (subconsciously) go looking for them? A childhood friend of mine ended up in an abusive relationship. I was told that her father had also been abusive towards her Mum. I've heard that we look for what we know- rather than what's necessarily good for us.

It's really so heart breaking though, that any of these things should happen to someone once. Let alone multiple times. Do you suppose the perpetrators consciously go out looking for a certain 'type' of victim or, is it unconscious for them too?

 

[amerie]

It's not that they can "sense" it but victims of abuse tend to be statistical minorities or easy targets where if they report the abuse they won't be taken as seriously or don't understand the inappropriate nature of the actions done to them.

That's why a lot of victims are women and children or people with disabilities, or literally anyone who's a minority. They are ignored by society and likely aren't properly educated on boundaries and what is and isn't okay or they're expected to accept abuse due to cultural influence and an abuser is going to jump at the opportunity to shower them with love and validation that they likely aren't receiving and if they try to report it then they will face significant barriers.

Spoiler: A (triggering) scenario of a common abuse victim. Don't read if potentially harmful to you.

Imagine said victim is a woman of color from a conservative culture and impoverished, and very large family. Mom is living paycheck to paycheck and is busy working and there often isn't enough time to pay attention to all of the children equally and some of them just get forgotten, her being one of them. Because there are so many siblings, she gets overshadowed by the higher achieving and more conventionally attractive siblings and is often neglected or the last to receive certain things. A male in the family (the perpetrator) may struggle from the stress of poverty and in this conservative culture talk of boundaries and emotions is discouraged so he doesn't know what to do with his hormones and male entitlement is probably encouraged, this leads him to harming the above mentioned victim and not feeling too bad about it or thinking that it's normal. If said child wanted to report it, then the family would have to deal with the costly legal expenses and the public shame of "bringing family matters up to the public."

Not to mention since this is a conservative culture then they probably would just dismiss her because of misogyny. This makes her a perfect target for the abuser, because he not only gets away mostly scott free but his victim takes most of the blame if she were to report it, and it's even worse because she's the odd one out in the family. Fucked up but a lot of humans like this walk amongst us.

 

[Dejected 55]

I've got two answers, and one of them might get me into trouble.

First answer (the benign one): As Amerie said, they might be able to sense some victims previous abuse but they more likely target a particular demographic that has previously proven to be vulnerable in the past... and previous victims of abuse are probably going to fit right into their target audience. It's an unfortunate quirk of fate where the difference between a previous abuse victim and a new abuse victim might just be dumb luck. I'll give you two examples from my life:

1. As a kid, I was out riding my bike in the neighborhood alone. A car pulled up on the road, rolled down the window, and a sketchy looking guy yelled out to me, "Hey kid, do you want a puppy?" I went up to the car, the guy reached into the backseat, and handed me a puppy out the window before driving off. Until the end there, that had all the earmarks of a kidnapping story I've seen on TV dozens a times!

2. Also as a kid, there was a neighbor a few houses away from me and I played with the girl who lived there. I sometimes forgot that her parents were split, her mother remarried, and for most of the summer she went to stay with her father. I didn't know that she had left already AND this time her mother and new family also went on a vacation. When I knocked on her door, a strange young man answered and said he was a friend that they asked to house-sit for them while they were gone. He came outside and talked to me. I went up there every day and talked to this strange man. We played outside badminton using the clothesline as a "net" and then I would go inside with him and have tea and he always watched "General Hospital" at 3pm. This was back when the Luke & Laura storyline was really starting, so I became hooked on it and when everyone was back, I got my mother to switch to watch so I could continue and I got her hooked as well. But, again, all the earmarks of a molestation story except NO molestation.

I look back at those two distinct memories from my life and I'm fucking clueless how I never was kidnapped or abused or something because, damn, I was clearly vulnerable and walking right into them.

Second answer (and this might get me in trouble which is why I shared my examples above): Sometimes a previous victim might "look" for new ways to be victimized. I don't mean because they like being abused... I just mean, sometimes people learn to accept the familiar. It's why you see some people have one abusive relationship after another, not because they like it but because it's sort of all they know, and familiar sometimes is less scary than new... and they might fear someone who seems different because they don't know what could happen, but they know the kind of abuse they have and are used to it, sadly.

In my examples, I was never abused... but that wasn't because I was super diligent of my surroundings, clearly. Either I had super radar to gauge good people and trust them OR I was the luckiest mother fucker ever as a kid.

 

[princexhhn]

Most victims are vulnerable. It only takes the right manipulation method to get them, and that's when the door is shut and the abuse starts. For example, I previously fell for love bombing because I was lonely. They target people who, given the circumstances, are easily influenced and most likely emotionally unstable. Victims who get into abusive relationships over and over might have some issues, so the "love" or "support" of their abuser is the only type of love they know. Even if they were abused in the end, at some point they did feel "loved" despite the manipulation. Leads them to believe that this is what "love" is.

 

[Forever Sleep]

It's not that they can "sense" it but victims of abuse tend to be statistical minorities or easy targets where if they report the abuse they won't be taken as seriously or don't understand the inappropriate nature of the actions done to them.

I think that's true and so awful really.

 

[Pluto]

 

[Forever Sleep]

I've got two answers, and one of them might get me into trouble.

First answer (the benign one): As Amerie said, they might be able to sense some victims previous abuse but they more likely target a particular demographic that has previously proven to be vulnerable in the past... and previous victims of abuse are probably going to fit right into their target audience. It's an unfortunate quirk of fate where the difference between a previous abuse victim and a new abuse victim might just be dumb luck. I'll give you two examples from my life:

1. As a kid, I was out riding my bike in the neighborhood alone. A car pulled up on the road, rolled down the window, and a sketchy looking guy yelled out to me, "Hey kid, do you want a puppy?" I went up to the car, the guy reached into the backseat, and handed me a puppy out the window before driving off. Until the end there, that had all the earmarks of a kidnapping story I've seen on TV dozens a times!

2. Also as a kid, there was a neighbor a few houses away from me and I played with the girl who lived there. I sometimes forgot that her parents were split, her mother remarried, and for most of the summer she went to stay with her father. I didn't know that she had left already AND this time her mother and new family also went on a vacation. When I knocked on her door, a strange young man answered and said he was a friend that they asked to house-sit for them while they were gone. He came outside and talked to me. I went up there every day and talked to this strange man. We played outside badminton using the clothesline as a "net" and then I would go inside with him and have tea and he always watched "General Hospital" at 3pm. This was back when the Luke & Laura storyline was really starting, so I became hooked on it and when everyone was back, I got my mother to switch to watch so I could continue and I got her hooked as well. But, again, all the earmarks of a molestation story except NO molestation.

I look back at those two distinct memories from my life and I'm fucking clueless how I never was kidnapped or abused or something because, damn, I was clearly vulnerable and walking right into them.

Second answer (and this might get me in trouble which is why I shared my examples above): Sometimes a previous victim might "look" for new ways to be victimized. I don't mean because they like being abused... I just mean, sometimes people learn to accept the familiar. It's why you see some people have one abusive relationship after another, not because they like it but because it's sort of all they know, and familiar sometimes is less scary than new... and they might fear someone who seems different because they don't know what could happen, but they know the kind of abuse they have and are used to it, sadly.

In my examples, I was never abused... but that wasn't because I was super diligent of my surroundings, clearly. Either I had super radar to gauge good people and trust them OR I was the luckiest mother fucker ever as a kid.

Was your Mum perplexed/ annoyed when you came home with a puppy?!! But yeah, that sounds text book dodgy. But then, maybe the guy just wanted rid of them and though children would take them without fully considering it.

The actually sad thing is- there probably are plenty of adults who like being around children- in a non dodgy way. Maybe they missed out on having children themselves. Our neighbour was like that. The kindest man I ever knew to everyone. Others, may just be big kids themselves and enjoy the opportunity to play with toys, play games, be silly again. The awful part is- the minority spoil it for those majority.

I agree though and- you weren't offensive there. You didn't victim blame. Simply pointed out that previously victimised people sometimes seek out the familiar.

The victim blame thing does annoy me though. I recently watched a whole string of True Crime documentaries. On the one where the abusive POS boyfriend got his girlfriend killed, the comments were full of: It's the woman's fault for choosing a man like that. It may not actually have been the particular case there, her family sounded pretty loving although, not much mention of Dad. But- they ought to be considering WHY the woman went for such a guy? Did they have abusive men in their own family? Is that what they'd grown used to?

Plus, even if it's society that seems to promote the more aggressive, dominant man as attractive. That's not the woman's individual fault that she has been influenced by that. No more than it's men's faults that they are influenced by what's shoved in their faces as attractive.

It was just curious really. Compared to another episode where the guy ends up being murdered after marrying a very manipulative and money loving woman 20 odd years younger. There weren't so many comments there blaming him. It was more on how fat, ugly and old they thought the woman looked. I just found it curious- the woman seemed to be blamed in both! In the comments, anyway. Onviously, she was to blame in the second one- where she got someone to kill her husband. But, the first? I don't know. They both fell for cruel people ultimately.

 

[Dot]

Thre r also theris tht ppl wh/ hve hd an abusve xpernce sb-conscly lk fr simlr ppl in ordr 2 'fix' wht happnd b4
Lke tryn2 us a persn 2 re-wrte histry & chnge thr stry in2 smethng mre postve

Also ynger ppl cn b mre vulnrble t/ abse as thy mght nt knw wht rd flgs lk lke - oldr adlts hve mre lfe xpernce t/ identfy thse

Bt lts of ppl stll sty stck in tht sme cycl - also fr ppl wh/ hve grwn up hyper-viglnt a sfe & stabl persn mght cme acrss as 'borng' 2 thm & thy r only attrctd t/ smethng mre 'xcitng' whch oftn cmes wth issus of sme knd or anothr

Also lk @ flms & stries - Dsney & Hllywood - YT kps showng slf vdeos of 50 Shdes of Gry whre th/ timid yng womn changs Christn Gry jst bcse od hr lovng natre -- Dsney shws mn showng up t/ 'sve' womn in peril - lts of womn internlse stries lke thse & lern tht = wht romnce lks lke

Growng up in dffrnt Nvirnmnts modls wht rlatnshps lk lke t/ diffrnt ppl & tht = wht thy lk fr

Ppl wth highr slf-estm mght leav ptentlly abusve rlatnshps earlr bcse thy pck up on erly sgns of dysfunctnl b-havr - tho apprntly abusrs stll lk fr 'strng' ppl bcse thse ppl hve lts of rsourcs t/ offr whch an abusr cn leech off of

How Do Abusive Men Pick Their Victims?

Contrary to what you might think, women who become abuse targets are targeted for some pretty incredible strengths. Here's how it works.

www.flyingfreenow.com

Tbf thre r lts of dffrnt reasns - thre mght b a decnt artcle outlinng thm smewhre

Does your personality make you more vulnerable to abuse?

Here are four personality characteristics that make a person more vulnerable to psychological abuse.

www.counseling.org

 

[princexhhn]

Thre r also theris tht ppl wh/ hve hd an abusve xpernce sb-conscly lk fr simlr ppl in ordr 2 'fix' wht happnd b4
Lke tryn2 us a persn 2 re-wrte histry & chnge thr stry in2 smethng mre postve

You made me realize that I've done this, thanks dotto

 

[Forever Sleep]

Thre r also theris tht ppl wh/ hve hd an abusve xpernce sb-conscly lk fr simlr ppl in ordr 2 'fix' wht happnd b4
Lke tryn2 us a persn 2 re-wrte histry & chnge thr stry in2 smethng mre postve

Also ynger ppl cn b mre vulnrble t/ abse as thy mght nt knw wht rd flgs lk lke - oldr adlts hve mre lfe xpernce t/ identfy thse

Bt lts of ppl stll sty stck in tht sme cycl - also fr ppl wh/ hve grwn up hyper-viglnt a sfe & stabl persn mght cme acrss as 'borng' 2 thm & thy r only attrctd t/ smethng mre 'xcitng' whch oftn cmes wth issus of sme knd or anothr

Also lk @ flms & stries - Dsney & Hllywood - YT kps showng slf vdeos of 50 Shdes of Gry whre th/ timid yng womn changs Christn Gry jst bcse od hr lovng natre -- Dsney shws mn showng up t/ 'sve' womn in peril - lts of womn internlse stries lke thse & lern tht = wht romnce lks lke

Growng up in dffrnt Nvirnmnts modls wht rlatnshps lk lke t/ diffrnt ppl & tht = wht thy lk fr

Ppl wth highr slf-estm wll leav ptentlly abusve rlatnshps earlr bcse thy pck up on erly agns of dysfunctnl b-havr - or ptentl abusrs mght C thm as mre dffclt t/ contrl bcse thy cn C tht thy r nt lookng fr valdatn or hve helther boundris

Tbf thre r lts of dffrnt reasns - thre mght b a decnt artcle outlinng thm smewhre

That makes sense actually. One of these episodes was a poor girl who was raped in her teens. She became very promiscuous following that and a therapist was explaining that she may have been trying to create better associations with sex.

It actually makes me really grateful for my upbringing. It was actually pretty prudish and strict. I'm also massively unconfident in a lot of ways but, I was given a high sense of self respect. When I hear or see examples of (mainly) women being abused, I do tend to think- I wouldn't put up with that!

 

[Dot]

That makes sense actually. One of these episodes was a poor girl who was raped in her teens. She became very promiscuous following that and a therapist was explaining that she may have been trying to create better associations with sex.

Yh thnk sme ppl mght b usng sx t/ try & recovr sme of th/ contrl tht ws takn frm thm b4 bt am nt an xpert on tht

It actually makes me really grateful for my upbringing. It was actually pretty prudish and strict. I'm also massively unconfident in a lot of ways but, I was given a high sense of self respect. When I hear or see examples of (mainly) women being abused, I do tend to think- I wouldn't put up with that!

Yh - 1 artcle tht slf linkd tho = tht abusrs cn b groomng thr partnrs & gs-lightng thm in2 acceptng certn b-havrs & percptns of thmslves

S/ guss cn only hpe tht sgns r recgnisd as erly as pssble b4 thy r attachd

 

[Dejected 55]

Was your Mum perplexed/ annoyed when you came home with a puppy?!! But yeah, that sounds text book dodgy. But then, maybe the guy just wanted rid of them and though children would take them without fully considering it.

The actually sad thing is- there probably are plenty of adults who like being around children- in a non dodgy way. Maybe they missed out on having children themselves. Our neighbour was like that. The kindest man I ever knew to everyone. Others, may just be big kids themselves and enjoy the opportunity to play with toys, play games, be silly again. The awful part is- the minority spoil it for those majority.

I agree though and- you weren't offensive there. You didn't victim blame. Simply pointed out that previously victimised people sometimes seek out the familiar.

The victim blame thing does annoy me though. I recently watched a whole string of True Crime documentaries. On the one where the abusive POS boyfriend got his girlfriend killed, the comments were full of: It's the woman's fault for choosing a man like that. It may not actually have been the particular case there, her family sounded pretty loving although, not much mention of Dad. But- they ought to be considering WHY the woman went for such a guy? Did they have abusive men in their own family? Is that what they'd grown used to?

Plus, even if it's society that seems to promote the more aggressive, dominant man as attractive. That's not the woman's individual fault that she has been influenced by that. No more than it's men's faults that they are influenced by what's shoved in their faces as attractive.

It was just curious really. Compared to another episode where the guy ends up being murdered after marrying a very manipulative and money loving woman 20 odd years younger. There weren't so many comments there blaming him. It was more on how fat, ugly and old they thought the woman looked. I just found it curious- the woman seemed to be blamed in both! In the comments, anyway. Onviously, she was to blame in the second one- where she got someone to kill her husband. But, the first? I don't know. They both fell for cruel people ultimately.

My parents weren't thrilled to have another dog, we already had three... we ultimately had to give it up to a shelter and I always wonder whatever happened to tht puppy. He was a really good-natured puppy.

I'm never going to victim blame. Even if I think a woman made a bad choice with a particular man, that doesn't make her deserving of abuse. I guess the question I always have though is... people tell me that being anxious or "too needy" or coming on too strong or whatever things I do are "red flags" and women can tell "immediately" to avoid me or whatever... and yet I'd never hurt anyone, and I never have... and I don't just see women being abused, I see known abusers in the public eye who everyone knows abuses women and those guys still keep finding women to be with... and I keep asking why that magic radar that supposedly reveals me as a man to avoid doesn't light up like a damn Christmas tree around those guys... like ever. I'm avoided like the plague despite being no danger at all, and the worst guys who abuse women keep finding new victims.

Again, not victim blaming... I just don't understand it. Hell, I'll use OJ Simpson as a good horrible example. His first wife was abused a little by him, she took ZERO shit and left him. You almost never hear anything about her. His second wife he abused a LOT, and she is the one he stalked and killed after being divorced... and that dude kept having women in his circle... women who knew he abused both wives and probably killed one of them... and I can't believe he never was abusive again after that, but even if he wasn't... damn... and late-stage OJ didn't even have fame or wealth anymore as all his money was gone and no one would touch him with a 10-ft pole.

There's also all the guys in prison who have women pen-pals and women who didn't know them before prison who can't wait to be with the dude when he gets out... and it's crazy as fuck to me that it's a thing.

But anyway, I'm going down a rabbit hole here that isn't for this thread. Circling back... I don't remember the details anymore but Phil Hartman (SNL, Newsradio, lots of good stuff) was infamously killed by his wife and then she killed herself... in their home... and I think one of their kids was in the house or maybe with neighbors... I can't remember... but apparently his wife had a history of mental health issues and she just snapped that day.

 

[Dot]

But anyway, I'm going down a rabbit hole here that isn't for this thread. Circling back... I don't remember the details anymore but Phil Hartman (SNL, Newsradio, lots of good stuff) was infamously killed by his wife and then she killed herself... in their home... and I think one of their kids was in the house or maybe with neighbors... I can't remember... but apparently his wife had a history of mental health issues and she just snapped that day.

Iirc sh/ also relapsd in2 drg addictn & mght hve bn hgh whn sh/ killd hm
Or drgs contributd t/ furthr mentl issus

Edt - ok jst lookd up & ws wht slf mentnd + sh/ ws a faild actrss & v jeals of hs sccess

 

[Forever Sleep]

My parents weren't thrilled to have another dog, we already had three... we ultimately had to give it up to a shelter and I always wonder whatever happened to tht puppy. He was a really good-natured puppy.

I'm never going to victim blame. Even if I think a woman made a bad choice with a particular man, that doesn't make her deserving of abuse. I guess the question I always have though is... people tell me that being anxious or "too needy" or coming on too strong or whatever things I do are "red flags" and women can tell "immediately" to avoid me or whatever... and yet I'd never hurt anyone, and I never have... and I don't just see women being abused, I see known abusers in the public eye who everyone knows abuses women and those guys still keep finding women to be with... and I keep asking why that magic radar that supposedly reveals me as a man to avoid doesn't light up like a damn Christmas tree around those guys... like ever. I'm avoided like the plague despite being no danger at all, and the worst guys who abuse women keep finding new victims.

Again, not victim blaming... I just don't understand it. Hell, I'll use OJ Simpson as a good horrible example. His first wife was abused a little by him, she took ZERO shit and left him. You almost never hear anything about her. His second wife he abused a LOT, and she is the one he stalked and killed after being divorced... and that dude kept having women in his circle... women who knew he abused both wives and probably killed one of them... and I can't believe he never was abusive again after that, but even if he wasn't... damn... and late-stage OJ didn't even have fame or wealth anymore as all his money was gone and no one would touch him with a 10-ft pole.

There's also all the guys in prison who have women pen-pals and women who didn't know them before prison who can't wait to be with the dude when he gets out... and it's crazy as fuck to me that it's a thing.

But anyway, I'm going down a rabbit hole here that isn't for this thread. Circling back... I don't remember the details anymore but Phil Hartman (SNL, Newsradio, lots of good stuff) was infamously killed by his wife and then she killed herself... in their home... and I think one of their kids was in the house or maybe with neighbors... I can't remember... but apparently his wife had a history of mental health issues and she just snapped that day.

I don't understand it either. But then, I'm glad I don't. I wouldn't want that kind of life for anything.

As for women writing to guys in prison. It is an odd phenomenon. I wonder how many would actually want to be with them in reality though. Of course, no doubt, some go on to but, maybe some of it is a fantasy. A literal captive audience in a way who might be more responsive to any attention. Maybe they project their own loneliness on them. But, if they're unlikely to ever be released, it could be (weirdly in a way) a safe crush because, nothing will actually come of it. Some women like the idea of being in love I think. Maybe more than the actual thing. The actual thing carries lots of risks.

Women are also sometimes taken in by the whole: 'No one understands me.' I think it can bring out the mothering instinct I guess.

You're right though. It does seem odd that not all guys that give off lonely, misunderstood vibes are attractive to women. Plus, it is sad really that many will go for bad boys- as it were. I wonder if they'd actually be happy with nice men. Maybe some go for the 'treat 'em mean to keep 'em keen'.

 

[Galam]

The whole society works that way, preying on the vulnerable. I was attacked by mental health workers for this reason, or other doctors and a social worker b/tch who sabotaged my care service. These people are psychopaths. It is really sad but people in asylum, or in other state institutions are abused there and also raped too, not always by staff, sometimes it is other male patients.

Normal women attack vulnerable women not with this kind of rape some pedos use for girls or men us for women. Or not as often as men. But the normal women are not nice either, they are passiv aggressiv and just try to ignore vulnerable women and even gossip and make fun about them (also with videos).

The nurses, and lawyers and all such middle-class women, they are very ill-minded. The whole system abuses women like me. I was born with disabilities into poverty and there is nobody sinc 30 years who supported me in any way. I also don't want to get older because I cannot see any future for me in this rooms where such normal women with their men abuse women like me.

I wish that they die out, my life should end theirs tbh.