moya117
A replacement that can easily get replaced
- Mar 31, 2023
- 214
i still remember how we fight, it starts out with my mom noticing that im not the "cheery girl" as usual. she asks me whats wrong and i can't dodge that question.
i answer and by the look on her face, i know she is fed up with me. just throwing "just be patient" and all that with a voice that does not feel as though she's concerned.
i of course ask her again like always "how" she gets defensive and said that i never take her advice, and that is why im not healing.
for some reason my mom bring out my weight
"you have been getting fat again" i did not know how and why that comes out of my mom's mouth, she knows, SHE KNOWS im struggling with my weight since i take meds, she witness me crying over and over again, me not wanting to go out and me not wanting to see my reflection in the mirror.
i said that im sensitive about that topic and asks her to please do not bring it up again, i did not shout nor did i said it with a rude tone. im tired, i really am.
"im always wrong! of course it's me that is wrong! why did karma always gets to me?! what about my abusers?"
she cried.
i always comfort my mom whenever she cried, but this time, i can't bring myself to. im too tired for all of this.
for as long as i can remember, i have always been my mom's therapist, she even said that she vent to me when im still a baby becouse she does not have any friends close enough to talk to and im like half of her soul, thats how close we are. i have always been the problem solver in the family, no matter how small it is, she's the one that comes up to me and asks me for help.
when i give her advice, she just said yes and then does the opposite, creating more problems for ME to solve. im glad that she told me about all these things because i know if she didn't, she can't solve it herself.
but im tired, i really am.
i don't cry anymore when she's near, i don't have a gloomy face on me anymore, i even made a lot of jokes and laugh along till she's a little bit iritated at me.
my mom is convinced im better.
of course my mask is not perfect, i sleep all day, i stay up all night because its the only time i get by being myself and not get told to do small things for my family, like bringing them food and water, taking care of the mess my sister makes and all that. but apparently that is not enough for her, of course it is, because i only do things whenever she asks me to do it.
she starts to bring her frustation on me again.
saying things like "im the one that does everything in this house"
i feel useless
i have a "job" (not anymore), my mom is the boss, im her assistant. i didn't get paid, she says its so that her debt gets covered quickly and that its goes for the family anyways including me.
i don't have the money to buy sn.
my method is drowning, but i realize the water of the only river i know in this city is too shallow.
i answer and by the look on her face, i know she is fed up with me. just throwing "just be patient" and all that with a voice that does not feel as though she's concerned.
i of course ask her again like always "how" she gets defensive and said that i never take her advice, and that is why im not healing.
for some reason my mom bring out my weight
"you have been getting fat again" i did not know how and why that comes out of my mom's mouth, she knows, SHE KNOWS im struggling with my weight since i take meds, she witness me crying over and over again, me not wanting to go out and me not wanting to see my reflection in the mirror.
i said that im sensitive about that topic and asks her to please do not bring it up again, i did not shout nor did i said it with a rude tone. im tired, i really am.
"im always wrong! of course it's me that is wrong! why did karma always gets to me?! what about my abusers?"
she cried.
i always comfort my mom whenever she cried, but this time, i can't bring myself to. im too tired for all of this.
for as long as i can remember, i have always been my mom's therapist, she even said that she vent to me when im still a baby becouse she does not have any friends close enough to talk to and im like half of her soul, thats how close we are. i have always been the problem solver in the family, no matter how small it is, she's the one that comes up to me and asks me for help.
when i give her advice, she just said yes and then does the opposite, creating more problems for ME to solve. im glad that she told me about all these things because i know if she didn't, she can't solve it herself.
but im tired, i really am.
i don't cry anymore when she's near, i don't have a gloomy face on me anymore, i even made a lot of jokes and laugh along till she's a little bit iritated at me.
my mom is convinced im better.
of course my mask is not perfect, i sleep all day, i stay up all night because its the only time i get by being myself and not get told to do small things for my family, like bringing them food and water, taking care of the mess my sister makes and all that. but apparently that is not enough for her, of course it is, because i only do things whenever she asks me to do it.
she starts to bring her frustation on me again.
saying things like "im the one that does everything in this house"
i feel useless
i have a "job" (not anymore), my mom is the boss, im her assistant. i didn't get paid, she says its so that her debt gets covered quickly and that its goes for the family anyways including me.
i don't have the money to buy sn.
my method is drowning, but i realize the water of the only river i know in this city is too shallow.
