Venting Why did it have to be me who was dealt a shitty hand??

[dreaming_of_pearl]

I had a shit childhood, my only freind basically hated me. I am autistic as hell but for some reason I was always just told I'm shit beyond belief and irredeemable I made bad choose but only because I was a child and I was told that what I was doing was right. The cycle kept repeating having freinds only for them to choose to leave because of the symptoms of my autism adhd and other stuff. While simultaneously telling me that the only thing that was wrong with me was my very existence. Then because of how fucking depressed and anxious I got from masking my family reluctantly got me therapy and reluctantly put me on meds all while telling me I needed to be fixed. I took Sertaline and other stuff for a long time on and off different stuff. It hurt I wish other people understood the genuine agony I was in from a lot of the medication hurting my body and altering my sense of self. When i tried to stop taking any of it, I was forced back on it by my parents being told this is what I wanted and they are paying for me to get fixed. When I was 17-18 for the first time in my life I found weed and it was comforting as drinking was too much for me, and I couldn't do it with my meds it caused horrible reactions. And things were doing well. Untill i realized my body wasn't doing good on Sertaline and I just wanted to feel things again as by this point I was numb and just I didn't even know what was going on or remember most things. And I just wanted to be alive again. When I tapered down to 25mg of it my body gave me fucking gastreoparasis symptoms, I was in the ER constantly. My so called freinds abandoned me because I was sick and too much of a burden to handle, I was made out as a fucking horrible person to the cosplay community because I told an ex freind to ask before showing up to my fucking house unannounced… because I JUST GOT OUT OF THE EMERGENCY ROOM AND ALMSOT NEEDED SURGERY. The whole time while I was struggling fighting to not get a feeding tube I was fucking fighting not to die because of how bad of a condition I was in. And these fucking people would wait till my gf isn't around to kick me to the fucking ground so I would have to struggle to defend myself while I'm dying and withdrawing from some intense meditations and antipsychotics. I had to rot in the ER and at home in pain that would require most people to be on morphine. While my so called freinds slandered my name because they never knew who I really was from the beginning. Now I'm on no mental health medications, nothing for my adhd, nothing for my hallucinations, nothing for the intense pain, nothing for the nausea and vomiting other the otc stuff I can find. I can't smoke weed anymore for now, or drink, or eat the food I like without puking. Doctors don't want to help me because I'm apparently too young to have issues. I get to witness everyone around me be able to do everything I can't. I had potential to be an amazing cosplayer. I just wanted one lifetime of peace. I never was offered karma, I never got peace, the people who hurt me got to walk away free and do everything I can't. As I slowly fucking drown. I pray one day I'll be able to take my life and stop this endless hellscape