I think I tend to go down rabbit holes a lot. I like texts with dense infomation. Not really in conspiracy theories though. I like to collect information about topics just to forget huge parts of it afterwards.
I think one reason might be. I build models about the world and the inner world of other people around me. In order to understand complexity, accept ambiguity and eventually to navigate in this world effectively. I realized the factor functionality is more important to me than empirical truth when making considerations. Sometimes my thinking isn't really neutral I tend to emotional reasoning. But even more my heuristics contain a lot of biases. I have many cognitive distortions due to my conditions but I have to accept them because I am unable to deactivate them. But it is different to embracing them. I also question my mind and intuition a lot. Sometimes maybe too much. I have a hard time to find a balance between certainty and uncertainty. Especially, when something is frightening and fuels an anxiety sprial I choose the interpretation that soothes me the most. And paradoxically this can even be the worst outcome interpretation. A trivial interpretation feels unlikely while the worst outcome interpretation at least gives me the sense of control. And maybe this also makes sense why I am so susceptible for AI interactions and their autosuggestions.
I think though after you accumulated a huge amount of information you reach a plateau. The margin utility of new information gets less. Especially, if you cannot differentiate between noise and important insights. When the thinking is biased and the sources for information too I am not sure whether it really makes sense to continue this in this way. It takes a lot of time and effort.
I have the feeling I become even more dysfunctional trying to get rid of my ambiguity intolerance in personal interpretations. It also didn't help my cogntiive restructuring that my therapist backstabbed me in the worst way when I was in a very vulnerable position. I think this makes ambiguity intolerance and catastrophizing even worse. However, in theory accepting more ambiguity intolerance on personal issues should make me more functional. With time and distance I eventually can let go of very deterministic stances. But when I am in panic searching to clearity feels like a fight for survivial. And the underlying biases make the perceived urgency even more threatening.
I question my thinking a lot recently and the mode in which I perceive the world. I think for someone with my congitive constitution I am pretty self-aware. So not everything can be wrong. It is difficult to navigate in this world with bipolar, past psychoses and being on the autism spectrum. My endless self-analyses also seemingly is worthless. I lose myself in new and more sophisticated self-anaylyses. I hoped by understanding myself more I could understand the inner world of other people better. But that's just mind reading and doing theory of mind. I was proud of me for being so introspective and self-aware. While I was in denial of being on the autism spectrum just because I didn't want this to be part of my identitity. For other people and for me now it seems to obvious. But it says a lot about me that I this was a complete blind spot. I am not aware how biased my thinking actually is. And everything I go through could be in vain because I am just unable to change myself. I even consider my thinking to be superior.
I always hoped by understanding me better I could also understand other people better. But there are limits I guess. And my thinking can't realize that. I am also sort of self-absorbed in my inner world. I am posting on here on SaSU for so many years about me, myself and my perception of the world. Though, my cultural and political analyses never go in such a depth where I can see nuances of this world. I think my texts on here help to structure my thinking when I am disorganized. But this is more of an emergency intervention when it is already too bad. I think I am too sensitive for the world. Also short social interactions can fuel my anxiety and rumination. I was a complete mess when I studied part-time. It was a disaster. When I have an appointment at the dentist in one week as my sole responsibility this can bring me in an existential crisis where I am overthinking about my life and everyone involved.
The AI chatbots and my former therapist argue my overthinking shouldn't stop me from taking action. This is cynical though. I was in a training for a few months. I studied in college for 2,5 years. The truth is I am too ill for that. And there is no way around this conclusion. The stimulus was way too overhelming. I declined the more time I spent outside in this world. In theory anxiety should become less if you are confronted with it. The truth is I became worse. It became worse the more I had to interact, the more I had to mask, the more I had to keep my act together. I was so paranoid and in pain all the time. I wish I could do something against all of that. The truth is I don't have the stability to hold a job or to continue college. I tried it. I barely could sleep and I could only cope with the paranoia by taking benzos and z-medication way too often.
I think one reason might be. I build models about the world and the inner world of other people around me. In order to understand complexity, accept ambiguity and eventually to navigate in this world effectively. I realized the factor functionality is more important to me than empirical truth when making considerations. Sometimes my thinking isn't really neutral I tend to emotional reasoning. But even more my heuristics contain a lot of biases. I have many cognitive distortions due to my conditions but I have to accept them because I am unable to deactivate them. But it is different to embracing them. I also question my mind and intuition a lot. Sometimes maybe too much. I have a hard time to find a balance between certainty and uncertainty. Especially, when something is frightening and fuels an anxiety sprial I choose the interpretation that soothes me the most. And paradoxically this can even be the worst outcome interpretation. A trivial interpretation feels unlikely while the worst outcome interpretation at least gives me the sense of control. And maybe this also makes sense why I am so susceptible for AI interactions and their autosuggestions.
I think though after you accumulated a huge amount of information you reach a plateau. The margin utility of new information gets less. Especially, if you cannot differentiate between noise and important insights. When the thinking is biased and the sources for information too I am not sure whether it really makes sense to continue this in this way. It takes a lot of time and effort.
I have the feeling I become even more dysfunctional trying to get rid of my ambiguity intolerance in personal interpretations. It also didn't help my cogntiive restructuring that my therapist backstabbed me in the worst way when I was in a very vulnerable position. I think this makes ambiguity intolerance and catastrophizing even worse. However, in theory accepting more ambiguity intolerance on personal issues should make me more functional. With time and distance I eventually can let go of very deterministic stances. But when I am in panic searching to clearity feels like a fight for survivial. And the underlying biases make the perceived urgency even more threatening.
I question my thinking a lot recently and the mode in which I perceive the world. I think for someone with my congitive constitution I am pretty self-aware. So not everything can be wrong. It is difficult to navigate in this world with bipolar, past psychoses and being on the autism spectrum. My endless self-analyses also seemingly is worthless. I lose myself in new and more sophisticated self-anaylyses. I hoped by understanding myself more I could understand the inner world of other people better. But that's just mind reading and doing theory of mind. I was proud of me for being so introspective and self-aware. While I was in denial of being on the autism spectrum just because I didn't want this to be part of my identitity. For other people and for me now it seems to obvious. But it says a lot about me that I this was a complete blind spot. I am not aware how biased my thinking actually is. And everything I go through could be in vain because I am just unable to change myself. I even consider my thinking to be superior.
I always hoped by understanding me better I could also understand other people better. But there are limits I guess. And my thinking can't realize that. I am also sort of self-absorbed in my inner world. I am posting on here on SaSU for so many years about me, myself and my perception of the world. Though, my cultural and political analyses never go in such a depth where I can see nuances of this world. I think my texts on here help to structure my thinking when I am disorganized. But this is more of an emergency intervention when it is already too bad. I think I am too sensitive for the world. Also short social interactions can fuel my anxiety and rumination. I was a complete mess when I studied part-time. It was a disaster. When I have an appointment at the dentist in one week as my sole responsibility this can bring me in an existential crisis where I am overthinking about my life and everyone involved.
The AI chatbots and my former therapist argue my overthinking shouldn't stop me from taking action. This is cynical though. I was in a training for a few months. I studied in college for 2,5 years. The truth is I am too ill for that. And there is no way around this conclusion. The stimulus was way too overhelming. I declined the more time I spent outside in this world. In theory anxiety should become less if you are confronted with it. The truth is I became worse. It became worse the more I had to interact, the more I had to mask, the more I had to keep my act together. I was so paranoid and in pain all the time. I wish I could do something against all of that. The truth is I don't have the stability to hold a job or to continue college. I tried it. I barely could sleep and I could only cope with the paranoia by taking benzos and z-medication way too often.
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