Why am I still here?

[SpiderLink]

Since my program finished, I've been feeling worse. Distracting myself as much as I can to avoid the pain, by playing video games or watching stuff. I haven't said anything on this site for over a month I think. I want to die so bad, but I wish there was another option for me. Trying to find another job, that makes me feel useful and makes an impact, but even if I could find any job right now, nothing seems to meet that need. Since I never feel good anymore, everything is just boring. I've always struggled with boredom due to my ADHD but it definitely feeds into my depression. I barely do anything. I feel numb most of the time, which is better than feeling too much, but it sucks when I should feel something, but I don't. But I honestly don't even know why I'm still here, I'm not scared to die. Idk if I'm lacking the motivation, and I have a plan, I just don't even know what I'm waiting on

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be tiring having to suffer like that, existing here really can be so dreadful but anyway best wishes.

 

[End Durance]

I completely understand that feeling, I don't feel like I have much to contribute to society. The one thing I think I'm sort of good at (writing), is still very mediocre. Nothing I make will outlive me, and I'm tired of trying to connect with people when they'll eventually leave you in the end. Nowadays I just bitterly stare at the world chat in the MMO I play in-between sessions of applying and not hearing back from jobs.

I love feeling useful, it makes me feel wanted even if I'm an unlikable P.O.S personality wise, but nowadays, that usually translates to "Oh... Well, go clean the toilet or something." I'm not really scared either outside the instinctual fear of pain, just waiting on something to come along so I can afford a less impromptu and risky way to CTB (personally thinking a firearm, but that's just me!)

For what it's worth, a lot of us get feeling like life is a pointless waiting room wishing it'd call your number already.

 

[SpiderLink]

It must be tiring having to suffer like that, existing here really can be so dreadful but anyway best wishes.

Yeah, thank you

I completely understand that feeling, I don't feel like I have much to contribute to society. The one thing I think I'm sort of good at (writing), is still very mediocre. Nothing I make will outlive me, and I'm tired of trying to connect with people when they'll eventually leave you in the end. Nowadays I just bitterly stare at the world chat in the MMO I play in-between sessions of applying and not hearing back from jobs.

I love feeling useful, it makes me feel wanted even if I'm an unlikable P.O.S personality wise, but nowadays, that usually translates to "Oh... Well, go clean the toilet or something." I'm not really scared either outside the instinctual fear of pain, just waiting on something to come along so I can afford a less impromptu and risky way to CTB (personally thinking a firearm, but that's just me!)

For what it's worth, a lot of us get feeling like life is a pointless waiting room wishing it'd call your number already.

Yeah, I do writing too (poetry), but it's mainly about my pain.