Venting ''Why am I here talking to you (...) when I know you'll just die anyway some day?''

[Tord]

Greetings,


a while ago I told an acquaintance that I'd be ending my life soon. I know this is in the vent category but it won't end badly - just letting you know before you read this, this is me ranting and rambling rather than venting.

I let him know so it'd maybe lessen the shock when I AM deceased one day.


I don't think he believed that I'd ctb some day in the future the first few times we brought it up again. Now he does. He accepts it, he says it's my business, he understands why I'll do it. He wants to ctb too if things get worse for him as well. However, sometimes he lets the side of him that's split on this slip out. I'm not angry with him though.

He told me ''why am I here talking to you every day when I know you'll just die anyway some day?'' I can't lie I said nothing to that initially. Simply because I had nothing to add to that. I think he thought he hurt me by asking that so he apologized quickly, but I wasn't silent because I was hurt. I was silent because it was too broad of a question.


Now you may be expecting to hear if I found an answer however I still haven't.

I don't know, why would you talk to someone that'll ctb in the future? By that logic..... why would one reply to posts on SaSu? Why would one work in a retirement home? Why would you talk to anyone or anything, ever? I mean everything dies, one day...... But I understand where his question comes from emotionally. And I understand why he asked me that and meant to word it differently.

Remember how I mentioned my acquaintance might ctb in the future as well? I told him there's nothing anyone could do about my decision before that, he agreed and said he wouldn't guilt me into doing anything, but now he's almost winning by not even doing anything. We're both West European, I don't want him to go through with some inhumane method like I will just because nearly anything effective is banned or will be hard to acquire here, so I kind of hope me catching the bus will not Butterfly Effect on him. But oh well.


I don't know what else to add to this experience, I just thought I'd share a little facet of how (almost) outsiders see future suicides, sometimes.


Regards

 

[katara]

I understand this. But you are so right, it reminds me of how women have stopped being my friend but they'll say they feel sorry for some random celebrity dying but can't even respond to my messages on time. Like I remember talking to this woman for months, and she randomly told me about a celebrity dying who was like 70. Meanwhile she doesn't seem to give a fuck about me. Like why are people like that? I don't get it.
I've always just assumed there's something wrong with me.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I guess there could be a few underlying reasons. Why would we open ourselves up to being hurt? We all know we could lose our loved ones to death but if we knew it was imminent then- it's tricky.

Do we have the strength to become close to them, to somewhat rely on them, only for them to abandon us? We may not feel strong enough for end of life caring for someone.

Suicide is very specific in that regard too. It's a choice to leave others here. Even if that choice is understandable, it will still cause pain. Possibly pain a person doesn't think they'll handle well.

For people working in nursing homes, it's kind of different. They're partly doing that for the money. It's also very much part of the job description that elderly patients will likely die at some stage. We don't tend to expect our friends to die. We probably don't actively look for terminally ill people to befriend.

I suppose also, if we've made it clear that nothing anyone says or does will either save or prevent us from CTB, maybe they would feel unappreciated and like it's largely pointless for them to try and be supportive. What would the point be, if the end result stays the same? That they make us feel better in the moment? But then, we've intimated that we're going to ultimately really hurt them.

I think a person has to be pretty strong to stay close to a suicidal person. They have to be enormously selfless. All that they're investing, all the memories they are building with that person to cherish are likely to collapse in the near future. In some ways, it's like setting yourself up to be heart broken.

That's not to say I blame you for telling them. I've pretty much done the same with a friend. For the same reasons- I don't want it to be such a shock to them. Plus- it also gives them the choice. If they feel like being a closer friend will make bereaving my (possible) suicide worse, they could start to drop contact.

 

[Scythe]

Humans leave all the time, by this logic you don't talk to anyone because they can abandon you without notice anytime. They can change and become someone you don't like, they can straight up drop contact out of nowhere.

Is leaving but the person still being alive really that different from them leaving because they died?

 

[shironeko]

I heard a lot of similar logic before, and I hate them. That logic, is one of the reason why I don't want to live. People don't want to, and will not ever understand why how hard to pretend to be okay for a vulnerable person.

These inhuman beings in my life. They actually said "i dont give a f", and started laughing at me. I can't endure these anymore. I want to kms.