annxietty
“Is there no way out of the mind?”
- Mar 27, 2023
- 146
Im wondering who is more fucked, we as the individuals with our traumas and issues, or the people that have to live with us and keep up with our shit?
Ive been called many things, and I watched people become what they swore they would never become while living with me...
I, in this moment of my life, im facing many challenges and Im not feeling stronger each day, Im feeling weaker, the anxiety I had """under control""" has become an issue again, a silent one, I havent talked about this with my family, its all in my head they say, well, of course it is lol... I started working, each day I feel anxiety, I dont sleep good, and I dont eat in a healthy manner, I almost dont talk, but people are proud because Im working!! Im finally normal, yayyy... When I almost felt secure with my work I had to quit (next week is my last week) because my sister (which I owe everything I have) found me a better job, one that challenges everything that is wrong with me, and If I said "no" to the job I would put her in a bad position since she is working there too so I basically had no choice. I have to talk with people (many of them extremely rude), I have to take two buses to go there (im extremely anxious in public transport), is a full time job, I work 7 days and rest 2 then I work 7 again and rest 3, something like that, I dont want to think much about it because I will explode...
Of course it was a matter of time until my sister reminded me just how much she is doing for me, that she has no obligation to do anything, and that im ungrateful, just because she told me to do something and I (who cant sleep, cant eat well, Im so nervous I feel like shiting myself and vomiting) answered in a way she considered "rude"... I owe everything to so many people, I will never pay what I owe... Thats another thing, how many times Ive been called ungrateful? and all because I didnt justify my actions and my way of speaking so people think that im being arrogant while all Im being is so anxious all I can think about is dying and giving up, I threw out the blade I used to self harm, its summer they will see any self harm, god I wish I didnt owe shit to anyone... I have no right to speak even a little bit angry, not even when they are insulting me in my face... god, does she understand just how much it hurts to be called these names she calls me sometimes??? does the people that I have around me understand that the way they've been treating me since I was a kid has made me the way I am??? specially in a social environment... how can I defend myself?? look at someone in the eyes and defend myself.... when all my life Ive been treated the way Ive been treated...
I will go through this, I will have anxiety attacks, maybe panic attacks too, I will suffer, oh god how much im going to suffer lol but I will do it, because is easier going with it and suffering than saying no and make everyone else suffer, again... living with me is hell, my sister is right she didnt have any obligations (i mean I was dying in my small room, my arms full of self inflicted wounds, I couldnt smile, I didnt shower, couldnt exit the house even to walk my dogs.... but yeah), I owe everything, I will walk all my life with my head down and saying thanks. thanks thanks thanks thanks.
Ive been called many things, and I watched people become what they swore they would never become while living with me...
I, in this moment of my life, im facing many challenges and Im not feeling stronger each day, Im feeling weaker, the anxiety I had """under control""" has become an issue again, a silent one, I havent talked about this with my family, its all in my head they say, well, of course it is lol... I started working, each day I feel anxiety, I dont sleep good, and I dont eat in a healthy manner, I almost dont talk, but people are proud because Im working!! Im finally normal, yayyy... When I almost felt secure with my work I had to quit (next week is my last week) because my sister (which I owe everything I have) found me a better job, one that challenges everything that is wrong with me, and If I said "no" to the job I would put her in a bad position since she is working there too so I basically had no choice. I have to talk with people (many of them extremely rude), I have to take two buses to go there (im extremely anxious in public transport), is a full time job, I work 7 days and rest 2 then I work 7 again and rest 3, something like that, I dont want to think much about it because I will explode...
Of course it was a matter of time until my sister reminded me just how much she is doing for me, that she has no obligation to do anything, and that im ungrateful, just because she told me to do something and I (who cant sleep, cant eat well, Im so nervous I feel like shiting myself and vomiting) answered in a way she considered "rude"... I owe everything to so many people, I will never pay what I owe... Thats another thing, how many times Ive been called ungrateful? and all because I didnt justify my actions and my way of speaking so people think that im being arrogant while all Im being is so anxious all I can think about is dying and giving up, I threw out the blade I used to self harm, its summer they will see any self harm, god I wish I didnt owe shit to anyone... I have no right to speak even a little bit angry, not even when they are insulting me in my face... god, does she understand just how much it hurts to be called these names she calls me sometimes??? does the people that I have around me understand that the way they've been treating me since I was a kid has made me the way I am??? specially in a social environment... how can I defend myself?? look at someone in the eyes and defend myself.... when all my life Ive been treated the way Ive been treated...
I will go through this, I will have anxiety attacks, maybe panic attacks too, I will suffer, oh god how much im going to suffer lol but I will do it, because is easier going with it and suffering than saying no and make everyone else suffer, again... living with me is hell, my sister is right she didnt have any obligations (i mean I was dying in my small room, my arms full of self inflicted wounds, I couldnt smile, I didnt shower, couldnt exit the house even to walk my dogs.... but yeah), I owe everything, I will walk all my life with my head down and saying thanks. thanks thanks thanks thanks.
