I genuinely doubt anyone would attend my funeral. I ghosted everyone 2 years ago when I decided I wanted to research and accurately execute my..execution.
After having cut ties with absolutely everyone I knew back in 2023, my mom was the only person who still made attempts to reach out to me, but that has now ceased as well. Nobody realizes I'm even alive right now, except for the boyfriend with whom I share a home.
If my brother had not died 2 years ago right as I was preparing for my own suicide, I'd have carried out my plans. But I saw the grief his death caused, and I was consumed with guilt and sympathy about inevitably causing even more suffering for my mom and dad.
My deceased brother was about to turn 40 years old the month following his death but never made it. He died at 39. I just turned 40, which means I'm now older than my older brother, for the first time ever. It feels so fucking wrong.
I don't want a funeral anyway. I just want to slip out quietly.