Which deceased Sanctioned Suicide member impacted you the most

[Nobodi]

@Octavia This is my first post ever on this site I snoop around here and there. Just reading along until I finally decided to make an account. The was this farewell letter from a user name Octavia it hurt reading it.

Farewell letter

Note: This post was sent using a scheduled time. It is probably that I am busy being dead, so I apologise if I cannot reply to anyone. Mods, please disable this account on the 18th of August if there is not any further activity. I must admit did not exactly expect my last words to number in the...

sanctioned-suicide.net

 

[_AllCatsAreGrey_]

avaruus. May you be at peace Finnbro.

 

[XdragonsoulX]

Vizzy, his posts not only informational, but because reading his posts impacted me when I first came back to the forum after taking a break (June 2023) I'm not sure entirely why but it was the rawness I felt while reading his stuff that stuck with me. I hope he forever rests in peace

 

[Forever Sleep]

Lots of members have stayed in my thoughts. I likely won't name them all but:

GirlShappedWound. We PM'd a fair bit before she CTB a couple of years ago. I still think about her.

Another lady who left the site rather than CTB. We PM'd a fair bit too.

Also, another guy who just disappeared from the site. We PM'd a lot. I really don't know if he CTB, decided to leave the site or, if I offended him. That one was worse in a way- the not knowing.

Another member who CTB mainly because he couldn't handle the violent thoughts he was having towards others. I felt so bad for him. He'd had such a difficult life with abuse and it didn't sound like he had been helped by psychatric hospitals.

Also, other members that I didn't PM with but who's goodbye threads stayed with me. The first goodbye thread I ever came across was one. He had N. It felt so strange to think it was happening right now. He was so calm. There was another guy in some sort of sheltered housing that used SN. I felt a maybe weird sense of respect at how resourceful he was to both risk ordering SN to somewhere I'm sure they probably could intercept mail and to actually do it there. It made me feel like I had no excuse. He was so scared at the end but, he still did it.

Then, there are other members who I used to love reading their threads and 'seeing' them around the place where, I just don't know their fate. @ksp and @Ambivalent1 are two I haven't noticed in a while.

There are other members who are still with us and obviously, I'll respect their decision if they go but, I'll miss them a great deal.

 

[damienlerone03]

@4am
@everythingoes
@Pancake1230
@QueerMelacholy
@AmericanMary
@achb
@Themogger

there were a few others but these ones hit me the most.

 

[Heidi48]

deadbattery/ wonkeydonkey

 

[CatLvr]

I haven't been here very long but I read each of the Goodbye threads started since I found SaSu and they have, each and every one of them, taken a piece of my soul with them. I am both sad they are gone, and at the same time, so happy they have moved on and have peace. And I truly do believe they each have found peace. I do believe there is another realm after this one and it is much kinder and gentler there. If it weren't for my children I would already be there.

 

[lionetta12]

When I joined Sanctioned Suicide during the lockdown I have met many wonderful people from all over the world. There are members that I knew, spent time with online and later ctb. Many years later I still remember them because they taught me so much about life and how suicide truly is complex.

1) @AcornUnderground. She was an amazing woman who really loved life and didn't even want to die. AcornUnderground really loved her kids, her partner and had an amazing life until her diagnosis of sjögrens syndrome. I have never heard of this illness when she mentioned it. What I learned from her was this illness has no cure and leaves the sufferer in constant chronic pain and causes the persons health to deteriorate.

Reading her story made me realise that nobody wants to leave behind their family and loved ones but when pain whether emotional or physical is so strong the urge to kill yourself becomes so strong too and can't be avoided. She said so on many occasions she didnt want to die and wanted to live but illnesses just made life everyday intolerable . She tried numerous medicines to provide relief from her pain but nothing really worked. The condition left her physically disabled

She planned to kill herself by going to Switzerland using the assisted suicide programme called Pegasos. She was approved as a candidate for assisted suicide but the covid19 pandemic led to travel bans globalwide. She decided to kill herself at home and came on Sanctioned Suicide looking for methods. Her last post was August 2020. She was always very active and ever so kind to me.

2) @rebelsue She was very lovely and intelligent woman with a biology degree and she was also in a band.
She was around people who were really horrible to her and never appreciated her. Her parents were very abusive and even publicly put her down infront of other people. The husband was also not a nice man from the things she mentioned about him online. She shared her problems in her life that led to her wanting to kill herself.

Before she left at Sanctioned Suicide she snapped at me over a comment I made. On a thread she posted about being stressed with her life and I just made a suggestion of something fun to make her feel better. At I didn't don't know how border laws worked and I thought it was easy for a person in the USA to drive through the Canadian border and vist Canada. I suggested to her she should get her car and drive through the Canadian border and have fun in Canada for a day.

She got mad and snapped at me over my suggestion. I did apologie to her and she never accepted my apology. Another member told me she left Sanctioned Suicide in August 2020. I still feel bad many years later.

Which deceased Sanctioned Suicide member impacted you the most.

Within my first month on the forum, I spoke with a person who wanted to do SN that had just joined the forum as well. I never got any specific identifying information, but he gave me the backstory to what has happened in his life and his primary reasons. It was a middle-aged family oriented guy who was raising some other man's children togheter with his wife who was the mother of the kids. I tried to help and give suggestions for improving the situation he was in to make him maybe consider trying different things before he considers to legitimately CTB as a last resort. But then he told me about how his wife is cheating all the time with some drug and alcohol addict, she had now become addicted to various substances and alcohol due to that guy and would bring it home and around the children, she was basically neglecting the kids and her husband while also now abusing them, and their company that they built togheter might collapse soon due to this. He said he moved accross the country to be with her, to marry her and to take care of her children. He had no close friends or family nearby. He spent all his money and time on her and on building a company togheter with her. He felt helpless and he had tried to help his wife and sort out things with her, but she was spiriling too much into the addictions and abuse. He said what will happen next is that he will end up homeless because of this mess. I stopped suggesting "alternative solutions" at that point because I've been homeless myself once and also lost everything before too, so I understood that this was too much for him to handle and that I would be understanding and non-judging of whatever he decided is best for him. Being homeless and losing everything and everyone you care about is something that most people cannot handle well or at all. He said starting again from scratch at this age in life would be too difficult. He consumed the SN some days later and is now at peace and free from the situation. I do feel bad for the kids since it sounded like they would be left with no stable positive adult in their life anymore, I hope CPS got involved after he passed away since we spoke about how that at least should happen no matter if he stays or not. They really liked him as a father figure. Hope the kids are doing better now and that they are safe. He was a really good guy and did so much for a lot of people in his life, made me sad to think about how he felt that he couldn't take it anymore and that he was going to lose everything when he had sacrified so much for this person and her children. He didn't deserve that treatment. It definantly reminded me that when I'm kind and helpful to someone, I should never expect anything good out of it or anything in return, not even thank you's or basic respect, because people can just turn their back and do stuff like this to you no matter how nice and helpful you are to them.

Rest in peace T.

 

[Zaphkiel]

@GasMonkey

A well of knowledge about inerte gas, and always willing to help.
We dont really knows if he ctb'd but we knew he was planning to and not leaving a message iirc.

 

[nir]

@2ndme really got to me

 

[Hotsackage]

All ofem

 

[Defenestration]

J'ai du mal à moi souvenir des noms
Il y avait ici une personne qui vit en Iran....
Pas de nouvelles
@aminend non connecté depuis janvier 2023

 

[Archness]

@Netvor

We really connected, mutually, but he already had plans to CTB, and did it after just a few months.
I honestly feel like we could've been very close friends. Heck, I might've been willing to ctb /w him.

He's dead. Less then 2 hours before, he asked if I had anything to say. I had nothing, I could only say "Goodbye".
Even now, with this much time passing, I still have nothing to say to him, if I could back in those moments.

It's disappointing.

 

[CantDoIt]

Maybe @platoscavedweller, very insightful with lots of helpful commentary

 

[Sylveon]

@4am
@Abyssal
@avaruus
@ClaudeCTTE
@DeaDBatterY
@edu0z
@haibane
@Leavesfromthevine
@LonelyKitten
@ve.nin
@WAITING TO DIE

 

[Dot]

I haven't been a participant here yet, but was just researching this read only resource, when I came across this case, which definitely impressed me and, forgive me for a bit of romanticizing it, inspired me. — @StrawberryPanic CTB (21 years old)

StrawBerryPanic- CTB

*moderadores, espero que entendam* para quem está apreensivo com as reações do sn - o áudio do arquivo foi corrompido. (não estou violando nenhum direito de imagens. Estes arquivos estão em domínio público) - - *moderators, hope you understand* for anyone who is apprehensive about SN reactions -...

sanctioned-suicide.net

It was a re-upload of several videos posted in the thread in the long-ago 2021 by a certain @user398417, who was also in the role of a witness who recorded CTB.

Registro em Vídeo, CTB com SN

Este tópico será sobre o registro do ctb da usuária @StrawberryPanic (21 anos) que tirou a vida dela no dia 1 de agosto às 15:30. O registro foi feito em uma video-chamada (gravada) apartir das 14:20 até às 16:40. Infelizmente o áudio do vídeo foi corrompido e só podemos deduzir apartir da...

sanctioned-suicide.net

The videos were recordings of a Whatsapp video call on the phone screen, judging by the interface language and some messages, the language is Portuguese. they showed the OP communicating on a video call with a pretty girl, with nickname StrawberryPanic on the forum, during which she drank SN from a measuring container.


There is no sound in the videos, because, according to the OP, the files were damaged after the recording was stopped. CTB was only partially recorded on the video, because Strawberry put the phone in front of her while lying in headphones, and after losing consciousness, she fell over on the other side and the headphone wire dragged the phone after her, falling down with the camera. In the post, the OP confirmed her successful death, telling us that she consumed it on an empty stomach for 8 hours of fasting, using propranolol and fruit salt as an antacid. And as it was seen on the video, she did not vomit once during the whole process.

I was interested in what could make someone like her to do it, she didn't write much here, one of her posts was like this, and we can guess the reasons mainly from it:
"think I'm dead inside. I've never lived like that, without no dream or thought about me in the future. Before all of this, I've felt alive, now I just want another life, 'cause I can't see the light for that. On the next 2 months I dont even will have where to live, i don't want to back to where I was abused. I have no one for me, even me.
Today's morning, thinking about how i'll do the end, it seems like scary, in times like that, I'm a person who never could end your own life. But now, it seems like a task."

One hard day, another

I think I'm dead inside. I've never lived like that, without no dream or thought about me in the future. Before all of this, I've felt alive, now I just want another life, 'cause I can't see the light for that. On the next 2 months I dont even will have where to live, i don't want to back to...

sanctioned-suicide.net

In fact, everything that is known about her, except that she is 21 and she was from Brazil.

This record left a deep impression on me: she absolutely bravely went all this way, as she seemed absolutely calm. She even smiled after consume SN, after no-return point. She has a few times apnea and slow breathing, but in general everything went so... peaceful, for me this is the first time in my life when I look at death from exactly this angle, and not on gore sites, the only thing worse than their content is the comments below it.

In the end, she just inspired me as a brave soul.

Her bravery and calmness in these videos are further notable for the fact that in her post published a year before, she described herself as unable to kill herself in any way. The same thing I think about myself. And so I see how someone who thought they were incapable of doing this eventually finds the strength to do it, and that's me... It is encouraging, and definitely contributed to my decision to purchase SN myself and use it.


I'm sorry again, but when I think about her, I'm reminded of this Rammstein song.

Am goin2 b honst tht slf strggle wth concpt tht a persn killng thmslves 'impressd' u

= undrstndble tht ppl mght rel8 2 othr ppl stuatns & stries etc bt mst of ur commnt = glorfyng hr actul stp-thru-stp procss of deth whch fls 'icky'

Slf undrstnd rel8tng 2 sm1 wh/ struggld wth S.I & 'conqurng' tht tho as = commn issu fr mny ppl trappd in purgatry

 

[kat6]

I don't have any friends here, but…
Athiestjoe and Plato'sCaveDweller were rockstars and I miss seeing their brilliant minds around.
2ndme was before I joined, but that gbye thread was heartbreaking.
Mint was recent, and also a thread that made me sad.

 

[noname223]

@edu0z
@Un-
@BottomlessPit
@Nolan96

I don't know whether the latter one is dead actually. When I was acute suicidal I looked at their goodbye threads (of some of them).

There are probably way more. But I usually stay out of friendships and private messages in this forum. There are also some where I don't know the names anymore.

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

Coming back to SS (after losing access to our old account, then going MIA) and immediately stumbling upon the mod's note in the very "I'd like to recover" support thread venin invited us to before we left... was definitely a solemn reminder of the passage of time.

 

[logi3535]

@4am
@Abyssal
@avaruus
@ClaudeCTTE
@DeaDBatterY
@edu0z
@haibane
@Leavesfromthevine
@LonelyKitten
@ve.nin
@WAITING TO DIE

abyssal is gone ? :(

 

[blacksand]

@GasMonkey

A well of knowledge about inerte gas, and always willing to help.
We dont really knows if he ctb'd but we knew he was planning to and not leaving a message iirc.

He said he would be gone in under a year back in may last year. I think he ctb for sure.

 

[JustSomeWeirdo]

When I joined Sanctioned Suicide during the lockdown I have met many wonderful people from all over the world. There are members that I knew, spent time with online and later ctb. Many years later I still remember them because they taught me so much about life and how suicide truly is complex.

1) @AcornUnderground. She was an amazing woman who really loved life and didn't even want to die. AcornUnderground really loved her kids, her partner and had an amazing life until her diagnosis of sjögrens syndrome. I have never heard of this illness when she mentioned it. What I learned from her was this illness has no cure and leaves the sufferer in constant chronic pain and causes the persons health to deteriorate.

Reading her story made me realise that nobody wants to leave behind their family and loved ones but when pain whether emotional or physical is so strong the urge to kill yourself becomes so strong too and can't be avoided. She said so on many occasions she didnt want to die and wanted to live but illnesses just made life everyday intolerable . She tried numerous medicines to provide relief from her pain but nothing really worked. The condition left her physically disabled

She planned to kill herself by going to Switzerland using the assisted suicide programme called Pegasos. She was approved as a candidate for assisted suicide but the covid19 pandemic led to travel bans globalwide. She decided to kill herself at home and came on Sanctioned Suicide looking for methods. Her last post was August 2020. She was always very active and ever so kind to me.

2) @rebelsue She was very lovely and intelligent woman with a biology degree and she was also in a band.
She was around people who were really horrible to her and never appreciated her. Her parents were very abusive and even publicly put her down infront of other people. The husband was also not a nice man from the things she mentioned about him online. She shared her problems in her life that led to her wanting to kill herself.

Before she left at Sanctioned Suicide she snapped at me over a comment I made. On a thread she posted about being stressed with her life and I just made a suggestion of something fun to make her feel better. At I didn't don't know how border laws worked and I thought it was easy for a person in the USA to drive through the Canadian border and vist Canada. I suggested to her she should get her car and drive through the Canadian border and have fun in Canada for a day.

She got mad and snapped at me over my suggestion. I did apologie to her and she never accepted my apology. Another member told me she left Sanctioned Suicide in August 2020. I still feel bad many years later.

Which deceased Sanctioned Suicide member impacted you the most.

I wish I had that someone who impacted me from this site. But I literally just joined.

 

[h78272]

I've been here for a while, so there have been more users who have had an impact, Dear friends who I remember all lovingly
@phezel @faust @TheNorthernSilence @Busdriver @leeloosnow
@QueerMelancholy

what a shock :( queermelancholy was such a kind and genuine soul, i didnt know or chat with her on a personal level but she was easy going in global chat and would say always make sure to say hi. may she rest in peace

 

[lnlybnny]

The goodbye thread that made me cry incredibly hard was Moonicide's. Never got to meet her, I wasn't even here when she passed, but it just touched me very deeply. I can tell she was a bright soul. It was such an emotional read.

 

[Dusk till dawn]

@willitpass

Not sure if he's dead or in a mental hospital but his story affected me the most

 

[Dot]

Mint was recent, and also a thread that made me sad.

Dd nt knw abt thr gdbye thred

Am partlly hopng tht thy wre savd & gttng treatmnt bt also knw tht thy wre v tortrd

 

[ForgottenAgain]

@avaruus. I read that thread in real time. To this day, if I see his cat zoom-in gif elsewhere, I immediately feel sad.

 

[NoPoint2Life]

@willitpass

Not sure if he's dead or in a mental hospital but his story affected me the most

It affected me too because they gave so many details. Last we saw on the site her final attempt did not work and she was in the regular hospital and knew she would probably be moved to a mental hospital.

 

[damienlerone03]

@4am
@Abyssal
@avaruus
@ClaudeCTTE
@DeaDBatterY
@edu0z
@haibane
@Leavesfromthevine
@LonelyKitten
@ve.nin
@WAITING TO DIE

abyssal is gone ? :(

dang i didn't even know abyssal left us, he was one of my OG homies. I guess I should add him to my list.

 

[destinationlosangel]

Moonymoon. Unexpected but she became my best friend thru all this darkness. RIP sweets! She had casually asked during one of our many long conversations if I'd write something for her on the forum. And that's what I did here.

A tribute to one of ours - Moonymoon

I've been meaning to write this for a while now. And here I am now doing this to honour the passing of someone very important to me. A year ago, if you'd told me that this is how my life would be, I would have told you to GTFO. But alas, that is life. Moonymoon as she went by here, was my best...

sanctioned-suicide.net