lacustra
Student
- Jul 3, 2024
- 175
I ordered SN from DMC a few days ago. The package is in transit now. Might take anywhere between 2-4 weeks to arrive, as I'm from South Asia and have no idea what may happen. As far as I know, SN isn't a controlled substance in my country. It's still a lethal substance in its pure form, and can be used for homicide. So, I can't deny the possibility, however small, of customs seizing the package. The risk of the local courier/postal service messing up the delivery is also very real. So, there's a good chance to lose both SN and the money. Anyhow, this is my best option, so it's worth the risk, I suppose.
In the meantime, I'll try to source domperidone and a suitable antacid. I was once given domperidone by a pharmacist when I asked for promethazine (for travel sickness). I'm going to try it again. Failing that, I'll have to coax a doctor to prescribe it for me. Shouldn't be too difficult. I suffer from moderate to severe anxiety, but all I've got is Lexapro. Not really sure how that interacts with SN.
Since I live with my parents, I also have to book a room in some hotel in advance. I've never done anything like this before. Used to rent a room when I was attending university. Had complete freedom and privacy then, but not enough resolve to do anything. Now that I've been living at home for the last four years, hardly ever going out except for groceries or a medical emergency, I'm not sure how I might explain staying overnight at some other place. I no longer have any friends or acquaitances left, and they know that quite well too. Only idea I've been able to come up with so far is a solo trip. Actually, I guess I can go on a solo trip and book into an out of the way hotel at the end of it. I still have some savings left, so this could be my final gift to myself.
Supposing everything goes according to plan, on a similar evening a few weeks from today, I'll find myself alone in some hotel room, with the means to finally put an end to this miserable existence.
I should say it's something I have been fantasizing about for quite some time. It's not that I desperately want to die - I don't really want anything, my apathy is that bad - and dying by poison cannot be pleasant at all. Rather, I need to do it, or I have to do it. It's the next logical step for me.
I posted my story here back in July, so I won't repeat myself. Bottom line is, I'm in a hole so deep that I'm going to need to make an almost superhuman effort sustained over the next few years at least to try crawl halfway out of it. I have to do it alone too, as I have no one to call my own. The cherry on top is I have no reason to even try. I'm quite happy to just give up (but I gave up on life years ago, otherwise I wouldn't be here today.)
I know it takes a certain measure of courage to actually go through with suicide. In the past, I have always surrendered to my survival instinct/blind optimism. But things are so bad in my life right now that I can't see even childish denial helping me out of this one. Besides, I didn't have a good, reliable method like SN then. I suppose I will never know if I can do it until I have the cup of SN in my hand. Talk about a baptism by fire.
What I wanted to ask in this post was how a person was supposed to mentally prepare themselves to do it. I don't know what I'm supposed to do in the next few weeks. I'm quite anhedonic, so I don't know if I want to do anything fun or exciting. I cannot think of anything I have always wanted to do either. As I mentioned, I have no friends or anyone to talk to. It's going to be a very lonely few weeks, and a lonelier death still.
In the meantime, I'll try to source domperidone and a suitable antacid. I was once given domperidone by a pharmacist when I asked for promethazine (for travel sickness). I'm going to try it again. Failing that, I'll have to coax a doctor to prescribe it for me. Shouldn't be too difficult. I suffer from moderate to severe anxiety, but all I've got is Lexapro. Not really sure how that interacts with SN.
Since I live with my parents, I also have to book a room in some hotel in advance. I've never done anything like this before. Used to rent a room when I was attending university. Had complete freedom and privacy then, but not enough resolve to do anything. Now that I've been living at home for the last four years, hardly ever going out except for groceries or a medical emergency, I'm not sure how I might explain staying overnight at some other place. I no longer have any friends or acquaitances left, and they know that quite well too. Only idea I've been able to come up with so far is a solo trip. Actually, I guess I can go on a solo trip and book into an out of the way hotel at the end of it. I still have some savings left, so this could be my final gift to myself.
Supposing everything goes according to plan, on a similar evening a few weeks from today, I'll find myself alone in some hotel room, with the means to finally put an end to this miserable existence.
I should say it's something I have been fantasizing about for quite some time. It's not that I desperately want to die - I don't really want anything, my apathy is that bad - and dying by poison cannot be pleasant at all. Rather, I need to do it, or I have to do it. It's the next logical step for me.
I posted my story here back in July, so I won't repeat myself. Bottom line is, I'm in a hole so deep that I'm going to need to make an almost superhuman effort sustained over the next few years at least to try crawl halfway out of it. I have to do it alone too, as I have no one to call my own. The cherry on top is I have no reason to even try. I'm quite happy to just give up (but I gave up on life years ago, otherwise I wouldn't be here today.)
I know it takes a certain measure of courage to actually go through with suicide. In the past, I have always surrendered to my survival instinct/blind optimism. But things are so bad in my life right now that I can't see even childish denial helping me out of this one. Besides, I didn't have a good, reliable method like SN then. I suppose I will never know if I can do it until I have the cup of SN in my hand. Talk about a baptism by fire.
What I wanted to ask in this post was how a person was supposed to mentally prepare themselves to do it. I don't know what I'm supposed to do in the next few weeks. I'm quite anhedonic, so I don't know if I want to do anything fun or exciting. I cannot think of anything I have always wanted to do either. As I mentioned, I have no friends or anyone to talk to. It's going to be a very lonely few weeks, and a lonelier death still.
