puppet_nihilist
cogito, ergo sum
- Jan 8, 2021
- 227
For my situation, indirectly so.
I can suppress my emotional ties towards my parents and sister when it comes to suicide. I've gotten good at it to the point that I don't think I care what they would feel about my death anymore.
What I care about is how much suffering they'll have to endure as an outcome of my suicide. Not emotional suffering, as I've said before I have overcome that. But the financial struggle my family will have to endure will probably be immense. Which basically translates to actual worries like finding proper food to eat, being able to get medication as they do get quite sickly, paying the fucking rent since not one of them owns a house.
In that sense, suicide is expensive. If someone lives in a well developed country and their parents have a stable life, already own a house and all that, have something that resembles a retirement plan, then it's a bit easier to ctb if you can suppress your emotional ties towards your family.
I never wanted money for myself. I wanted money to make my suicide insignificant and inconsequential . The only reason I matter in this world is because I *might* be able to provide some form of financial security for my family whenever the fuck I graduate. I have absolutely no value or worth as a human being. And you know, that in itself doesn't upset me now or depress me. I'm fine with being worthless to the world, I didn't ask to be here and I don't owe anyone here a damn thing. What I'm not fine with is being tied down by such shit circumstances that make it morally hard to simply throw your hands up in the air and quit being alive.
Any person with an atom's worth of morality would never leave their family if they were in my shoes. You just can't leave the poor folks to rot all alone, this world is scary and aging people probably don't get any mercy.
But I'm just right about hitting my limit. I might lose what morality I have left in favor of a selfish suicide. Not saying suicide selfish. MY suicide, my particular suicide, it's selfish and deeply immoral. I can't stomach the idea of leaving my family all alone it feels so miserable and sad. They have sacrificed so much for me even though I never asked for any of this. It's truly tragic to be brought into something you never knew the full extent of and what consequences it was going to have.
I can suppress my emotional ties towards my parents and sister when it comes to suicide. I've gotten good at it to the point that I don't think I care what they would feel about my death anymore.
What I care about is how much suffering they'll have to endure as an outcome of my suicide. Not emotional suffering, as I've said before I have overcome that. But the financial struggle my family will have to endure will probably be immense. Which basically translates to actual worries like finding proper food to eat, being able to get medication as they do get quite sickly, paying the fucking rent since not one of them owns a house.
In that sense, suicide is expensive. If someone lives in a well developed country and their parents have a stable life, already own a house and all that, have something that resembles a retirement plan, then it's a bit easier to ctb if you can suppress your emotional ties towards your family.
I never wanted money for myself. I wanted money to make my suicide insignificant and inconsequential . The only reason I matter in this world is because I *might* be able to provide some form of financial security for my family whenever the fuck I graduate. I have absolutely no value or worth as a human being. And you know, that in itself doesn't upset me now or depress me. I'm fine with being worthless to the world, I didn't ask to be here and I don't owe anyone here a damn thing. What I'm not fine with is being tied down by such shit circumstances that make it morally hard to simply throw your hands up in the air and quit being alive.
Any person with an atom's worth of morality would never leave their family if they were in my shoes. You just can't leave the poor folks to rot all alone, this world is scary and aging people probably don't get any mercy.
But I'm just right about hitting my limit. I might lose what morality I have left in favor of a selfish suicide. Not saying suicide selfish. MY suicide, my particular suicide, it's selfish and deeply immoral. I can't stomach the idea of leaving my family all alone it feels so miserable and sad. They have sacrificed so much for me even though I never asked for any of this. It's truly tragic to be brought into something you never knew the full extent of and what consequences it was going to have.
