When did you finally decide to give up? z

[I screwed up too bad]

What was it that finally made you decide to give up? What prompted you?

 

[Deleted member 19654]

Coronavirus fucking things up for everybody and making life more difficult. My depression has gotten a lot worse since lockdown started.

 

[Lupgevif]

Having to go through college all over again, from the start.

 

[Deathbydemo]

My ex leaving me was the catalyst for a catastrophic mental breakdown from which I doubt I will ever recover from.

 

[Superdeterminist]

I kind of threw in the towel once I realised that life will never stop throwing suffering at me, no matter what I do. I no longer respect existence because of that.

 

[demuic]

When I realized this world is rotten, and beyond help.

 

[Sinkinshyp]

I've been dead since my older son died in a car accident. I've tried to hang out for my younger son. The grief, loneliness, sadness, depression grows worse as more time goes without my son. When I begged my younger son to call and he didn't. I realized he probably won't be affected by my choice to CTB. There is no reason to stay for my younger son who just doesn't seem to care.

 

[FarAcrossTheWater]

Two Things:

I was hospitalized in the psychiatric ward for 1 week after experiencing suicidal thoughts. My roommate stayed up all night screaming and throwing shit at the walls. One patient kept on stealing clothes and running around wearing them. One patient threatened to kill me. That experience made me know my experience wasn't normal - that it was uniquely terrible.

I came close once. I texted my friends goodbye. For some reason, I decided to give life a chance (I regret it). My friends texted back with anger. They accused me of faking it all for attention and decided to stop being my friends. That killed me. It shows me that no one actually cares. No one actually cares whether you live or die. Anti-suicide stuff is mainly lip service.

Both experiences isolated me. I wasn't ever going to be okay after being hospitalized. I was a pariah. No one wanted me to be okay. I was a pariah forever. For that I know I need to die.

 

[I screwed up too bad]

Coronavirus fucking things up for everybody and making life more difficult. My depression has gotten a lot worse since lockdown started.

I barely had any before all this started. Now I'm a complete wreck.

Having to go through college all over again, from the start.

Wow, that sounds really tough. Im sorry to hear that.

Having to go through college all over again, from the start.

Wow, that sounds really tough. Im sorry to hear that.

My ex leaving me was the catalyst for a catastrophic mental breakdown from which I doubt I will ever recover from.

I'm so sorry to hear that.

Coronavirus fucking things up for everybody and making life more difficult. My depression has gotten a lot worse since lockdown started.

I barely had a problem before this started. Now I'm a complete wreck.

I kind of threw in the towel once I realised that life will never stop throwing suffering at me, no matter what I do. I no longer respect existence because of that.

I definitely feel that.

 

[nitroautnz]

My ex leaving because she dont see herself in a relationship anymore, but she still love me.

Me finding that I have autism (wich make a lot of sense about a lot of my struggle in life now that I know it)

And the damocles sword above my head that I may have been sexually abused as a child (just remember an indecent assault at the start of meeting this person then blank, until I go in the car with my mum saying I dont want to see this person again but didnt give any reason. My councillor talk about possible suppressed memory)

 

[I screwed up too bad]

When I realized this world is rotten, and beyond help.

2020 definitely feels that way.

I've been dead since my older son died in a car accident. I've tried to hang out for my younger son. The grief, loneliness, sadness, depression grows worse as more time goes without my son. When I begged my younger son to call and he didn't. I realized he probably won't be affected by my choice to CTB. There is no reason to stay for my younger son who just doesn't seem to care.

I'm so sorry to hear about your son. I can't even imagine how painful that is.

Two Things:

I was hospitalized in the psychiatric ward for 1 week after experiencing suicidal thoughts. My roommate stayed up all night screaming and throwing shit at the walls. One patient kept on stealing clothes and running around wearing them. One patient threatened to kill me. That experience made me know my experience wasn't normal - that it was uniquely terrible.

I came close once. I texted my friends goodbye. For some reason, I decided to give life a chance (I regret it). My friends texted back with anger. They accused me of faking it all for attention and decided to stop being my friends. That killed me. It shows me that no one actually cares. No one actually cares whether you live or die. Anti-suicide stuff is mainly lip service.

Both experiences isolated me. I wasn't ever going to be okay after being hospitalized. I was a pariah. No one wanted me to be okay. I was a pariah forever. For that I know I need to die.

I can empathize with that. I haven't been hospitalized, but I had a friend do something similar. It really hurts to know what bs the anti suicide stuff is.

My ex leaving because she dont see herself in a relationship anymore, but she still love me.

Me finding that I have autism (wich make a lot of sense about a lot of my struggle in life now that I know it)

And the damocles sword above my head that I may have been sexually abused as a child (just remember an indecent assault at the start of meeting this person then blank, until I go in the car with my mum saying I dont want to see this person again but didnt give any reason. My councillor talk about possible suppressed memory)

I'm so sorry to hear that. Wow.

 

[scorpiooo2]

I decided to give up back in January of 2018, my batshit crazy boyfriend at the time was threatening to kill himself if I didn't get accepted to the same college as him, and I thought he was serious about it. So when I got the letter telling me I didn't get in, I didn't want to see him die so I decided to ctb before he did.

I locked myself in my room and swallowed the rest of the pills in my Xanax bottle thinking it would kill me.

This boy went on to traumatize me some more before finally breaking up with me in July of the same year and I've been miserable ever since.

 

[Dreamless Sleep]

I've been dead since my older son died in a car accident. I've tried to hang out for my younger son. The grief, loneliness, sadness, depression grows worse as more time goes without my son. When I begged my younger son to call and he didn't. I realized he probably won't be affected by my choice to CTB. There is no reason to stay for my younger son who just doesn't seem to care.

I'm so sorry you lost your son. I cant even imagine that pain.

I only have one child, but I relate to what you said because I've been losing my relationship with her for years due to mental health and addiction issues. The more I realize we will never have a close relationship again, the more depressed I get. Realizing I'm growing older and will be forever alone, which I have no desire to exist that way.

 

[dec132013]

Altho I've been suicidal for years because I didn't like anything about consciousness, realizing im trans and how many people think I'm disgusting and want me dead for it is pushing me closer to buying SN.

But tbh I think whats really gonna do it is seeing everything thats going on, this world is disgusting and idk how anyone can be happy here. There's literally another holocaust happening and no one gives a shit, police officers raiding the wrong house and making shit up so they don't have to admit they fucked up, etc... Can't even express how much I hate everything here without people thinking im "trying to be edgy" or wtv

 

[pika8787]

The ultimate reason was when I got fired 10 months ago because I was having post-traumatic symptoms of when I was abused when I was 17. I hate my life and you can't trust anyone.

 

[I screwed up too bad]

I decided to give up back in January of 2018, my batshit crazy boyfriend at the time was threatening to kill himself if I didn't get accepted to the same college as him, and I thought he was serious about it. So when I got the letter telling me I didn't get in, I didn't want to see him die so I decided to ctb before he did.

I locked myself in my room and swallowed the rest of the pills in my Xanax bottle thinking it would kill me.

This boy went on to traumatize me some more before finally breaking up with me in July of the same year and I've been miserable ever since.

I'm so sorry, that must have been so hard. That really sucks.

The ultimate reason was when I got fired 10 months ago because I was having post-traumatic symptoms of when I was abused when I was 17. I hate my life and you can't trust anyone.

I'm sorry to hear that happened. That really sucks.

 

[Sinkinshyp]

I'm so sorry you lost your son. I cant even imagine that pain.

I only have one child, but I relate to what you said because I've been losing my relationship with her for years due to mental health and addiction issues. The more I realize we will never have a close relationship again, the more depressed I get. Realizing I'm growing older and will be forever alone, which I have no desire to exist that way.

thank you. I'm sorry you and your daughter are growing apart. Is it possible with time you may be able to rebuild your relationship?

 

[BitterlyAlive]

There's literally another holocaust happening and no one gives a shit

Yes. There's lots of shady stuff going on in America, and then there's Austrailia and China with the police state and "labor camps". This shit is so scary and there's nothing we can do about it.

 

[Meditation guide]

When I suddenly couldn't walk more than a few steps.

I've been dead since my older son died in a car accident. I've tried to hang out for my younger son. The grief, loneliness, sadness, depression grows worse as more time goes without my son. When I begged my younger son to call and he didn't. I realized he probably won't be affected by my choice to CTB. There is no reason to stay for my younger son who just doesn't seem to care.

I wish I knew what to say that would help you. You are so incredibly nice. I have no doubt he is just fine and happy where he is now.

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

When I suddenly couldn't walk more than a few steps.

I'm so sorry. Physical issues suck. They brought me here.

 

[Xocoyotziin]

Chronic HPPD and nightmares are getting pretty intolerable and I think if I go out they'll be the most immediate causative factor. It doesn't make me sad or depressed but it's this pure animal exhaustion. Unless I have an emotional breach and that clarity that comes in with it, where all the dots connect and I remember my actual misery that predated this. Then that will do it. At this point I'm constantly repressing my feelings because if I didn't I'd do something rash like jump off a bridge.

I also really hate myself and justifiably so, which is probably why I have these nightmares in the first place.

 

[foxdie]

Coronavirus, losing my last chance at even the possibility of love and finally accepting how truly hopeless humanity is.

 

[LetzteAusfahrt]

December 2019 to February 2020 I was in the Depression Clinic. The result was that I actually wanted to put the ctb thoughts aside again and start therapy in order to build up a social network.

The Corona shutdown prevented that and luckily brought me to my senses.

ctb is the only right way for me.
52 years are enough

 

[clayp]

December 2019 to February 2020 I was in the Depression Clinic. The result was that I actually wanted to put the ctb thoughts aside again and start therapy in order to build up a social network.

The Corona shutdown prevented that and luckily brought me to my senses.

ctb is the only right way for me.
52 years are enough

Yeah this corona thing changed many things...

 

[Lilacmoon]

A long time ago, there was a guy I stayed with who abused me a lot. Things he said and did messed with my head, so I began to realize that this was the only way out, among other things. I was deadset on my decision to ctb ever since, though I'm still here biding my time for now.

 

[Squiddy]

I'm still trying to fight, but am slowly losing the will to fight. What's making me lose the will to fight are my mental illnesses (Bipolar, BPD, PTSD and anxiety), my inability to articulate myself verbally sometimes, my bad short term memory issues and my inability to process what people are saying to me sometimes.

 

[infinitelove]

Feeling like you're cornered with no way of survival. Like you're expected and forced to walk when you don't have legs. A sense of impossibility and feeling as though the only logical move would be to relieve yourself from a fruitless life that has you banging your head against the same wall. A feeling that your journey has run it's course and you know you've exhausted all avenues and now it is time to leave and genuinely turn the chapter. It's funny how some people call it giving up, when giving up for me would be not doing anything and continuing on a burdened and zero quality life because society teaches us to fear death and hold onto survival at all costs.

A reason is not even needed. It's like people must have a reason for wanting to exit. Some individuals are content with their life and are simply ready to wrap it up and go with peace and content. No one should feel like they have to come up with a sad story and excuse list in order to convince others of a right that is theirs to begin with.

 

[BipolarGuy]

Although I have attempted suicide twice before, I decided to give up after the feeling that I'm always fighting for help finally overwhelmed me.

The NHS mental health services:
Rubbish service and poor care, if you actually manage to get any.
If you complain legitimately, you'll be informally labelled a trouble maker.

Council housing:
Council are rubbish. Staffed by bureaucrats who think that completing internal forms and updating spreadsheets amounts to helping you.

Getting a job:
The job centre isn't actually a job centre, it's just a benefits office. They will not do anything helpful to help you get a job other than take a look at your CV.
The organisations that are paid tens of millions by the government to help people find a job (e.g. the Shaw Trust) are totally useless.

Family:
Abusive and of no use.
Only ever tried to bring me down.

 

[Shades of Grey]

Ultimately, I'm here because of severe, chronic treatment-resistant mental illness.

But the final nail in my coffin was probably sacrificing so many years of my life to higher education in order to obtain a highly stressful, demanding career for which I am poorly wired.

I've given up so much of what would have actually made life meaningful for me in pursuit of what I thought I wanted.

I have no other marketable skills. I am effectively trapped. When it comes to my brain, my existence, and this profession, I see no other viable way out.

 

[Mr2005]

I haven't fully or I wouldn't be here. That said I've had no hope for a very long time. I killed myself years ago I just didn't realize it. It feels like I'm in hell