Since childhood, I've been abused. I've been molested/raped by both parents, neglected and brainwashed by my father, physically and emotionally abused by my mother. My dad killed himself when I was 14 and I'm pretty sure he was schizophrenic--he especially gifted to me religious trauma along with the other forms of abuse. I was bullied horribly throughout all of school, sexually assaulted multiple times, was abused and gaslit by the only friends I ever had until I was in my early twenties (I now have one very good best friend)
lost one of the f the only people I ever loved, and while I have a pretty good relationship with my boyfriend I struggle with being asexual and having sex based trauma while he has a very high libido and is a big fan of hentai prn/writing. I guess it's nice that he's on the ace spectrum too and doesn't give a shit about irl people, but it's hard to be with someone so overtly sexual. Mymother almost shot me in the head when I was 14 shortly after my dad died (and all other family members of the household due to various illnesses of accidents...I lost my entire family sans my biggest abuser within a year)
and then her abuse of me skyrocketed for many years thereafter. I now struggle with chronic depression, anxiety, OCD, psychosis, PTSD and the symptoms of being autistic. I hate myself from the way I look, to how my brain works, to my past, to just....everything.
I think I realized I was ready to ctb when I had three panic attacks this morning after not sleeping at all, realizing this was the rest of my life. I've been in therapy for years, done everything right, taken my meds, talked to people, etc. And still I just get sicker and sicker. There is no end or hope in sight, life is just suffering and we must endure it. But I can't bear the weight of it anymore. Even when life is good, there's this horrible cloud hanging over me. I feel like my entire life has been leading up to a point where I can finally no longer endure, and after suffering 24 years...it feels like I can't carry the weight. I know my partner and my one friend will be sad, broken even, but I hope they can recover.
lost one of the f the only people I ever loved, and while I have a pretty good relationship with my boyfriend I struggle with being asexual and having sex based trauma while he has a very high libido and is a big fan of hentai prn/writing. I guess it's nice that he's on the ace spectrum too and doesn't give a shit about irl people, but it's hard to be with someone so overtly sexual. Mymother almost shot me in the head when I was 14 shortly after my dad died (and all other family members of the household due to various illnesses of accidents...I lost my entire family sans my biggest abuser within a year)
and then her abuse of me skyrocketed for many years thereafter. I now struggle with chronic depression, anxiety, OCD, psychosis, PTSD and the symptoms of being autistic. I hate myself from the way I look, to how my brain works, to my past, to just....everything.
I think I realized I was ready to ctb when I had three panic attacks this morning after not sleeping at all, realizing this was the rest of my life. I've been in therapy for years, done everything right, taken my meds, talked to people, etc. And still I just get sicker and sicker. There is no end or hope in sight, life is just suffering and we must endure it. But I can't bear the weight of it anymore. Even when life is good, there's this horrible cloud hanging over me. I feel like my entire life has been leading up to a point where I can finally no longer endure, and after suffering 24 years...it feels like I can't carry the weight. I know my partner and my one friend will be sad, broken even, but I hope they can recover.
