Venting What's wrong with me?

[Lenmenhen]

I really don't understand myself.One Week I feel quite normal.The Next week,day, or hour(or whenever I'm triggered) I get mild depression, panic attacks, mild psychosis, mania(What irks me is that I'm able to function even with all this happening to me.)I think I have a mental disorder but I don't.I'm come from a religious family and I'm too poor to afford to go to a psychiatrist. Some day I feel as If I'll really kill myself in one episode.Please help me or give me advice. Am I okay like I believe?I' m literally have a breakdown as I write this.

 

[Inactive User]

This definitely sounds like a form of mood disorder, which can definitely cause thoughts of CTB. There are some resources for those who are unable to afford medical care, like local community centers or colleges that offer free services, maybe ask around for a pro bono visit to a specialist based on your situation. If you are able to work and find a job that covers health insurance, that could also do the trick. It's unfortunate that we must work for our health, but it is a possible path. If there are times where you feel fine, then I believe CTB is not the option for you. Feel free to message me, and also discuss your mental health with anyone in your life that might be able to help. Good luck love

 

[pickajack]

Consider removing any potentially lethal objects from your home especially guns if you have them. Protect yourself from an impulsive decision when experiencing one of these attacks. You ask if you're "okay like [you] believe", but it sounds like you know there is a problem. That is valid. You know yourself and there can totally be a problem without a formal diagnosis.

Do you notice any patterns connecting these incidents, like lack of sleep, low blood sugar, high stress etc? Sorry you don't have immediate access to a psychiatrist, but maybe you can take steps to stabilize yourself if you can identify a pattern.