what’s the hardest part in CTB

[justsad&done]

#1 - leaving my kids. #2 - leaving my parents and friends (and them thinking that maybe if they'd just supported me more, I wouldn't have done it)

I feel exactly the same way

 

[Symbiote]

Being stiff when they find me.... /darkhumor

 

[Jblack]

Not knowing what is beyond this life or even if there is something else. To some degree it is a fear of the unknown. This fear is at times what I think drives SI.

 

[Meditation guide]

I like how the earth smells when I'm gardening, how the rain smells, how there is a special kind of hush when the snow is falling, how it's silent in the middle of the night but for the cricket concert, how the stars seem to sparkle and glimmer on a clear night, the way water sounds, the way sunlight shines on the ocean, the way trees move in a breeze, the way sometimes you can see a full moon in the middle of the daytime where I live.
I would rather experience these things and other aspects of nature than good sex, good food, good movies, friends, anything else.

 

[kokosnight]

I would say nothing really, I don't have anyone around me who would care enough if I died

i care <3

 

[Jarni]

Dying too young... (if I was 60 or 70 y.o. it would be much easier). Like I didn't have a half of my life... And leave really very good people that love me and I spent all my life to look for... They are here now but it is too late... I'd like to be with them for much more time...

 

[deadbeat]

Letting go.

 

[WhatDoesTheFoxSay?]

Somehow, hope is too stubborn to die.

 

[the_final_countdown]

I wouldn't have minded if my health problems happened to me when I was 60, 70.

I could bear a few decades, having accomplished the things I wanted, just resting in a small apartment, watching TV shows, eating food, idly watching the days drift by.

But being relatively young with such an assortment of health problems that make life such a challenge...It's hard.

It's SI. I don't want to bear this mountain. I don't want to bear it. I don't want to suffer anymore from shame and humiliation because I can't achieve the things I wanted to do. It's too much to bear. I can't handle the bitterness.

Much less the pain...

Part of me was hopeful...that as my health deteriorated I'd get an aneurysm...But it hasn't deteriorated fast enough. And it doesn't seem like it's headed that way.

I've never been a particularly impulsive person, so I feel like overcoming SI will be...the greatest challenge of my life.

I could continue living life. It's not an impossible problem. But there will be much grief and suffering and I don't think I have the mind or tools to rebuild my identity.

And even if I did, my health would make everyday living so damn challenging.

It's SI.