to keep it short....
my mom , killing myself would be like stabbing her
killing myself is plain hard thing to do, I have the nitrogen tank and sodium cyanide, but I dont know if its real or pure
I want to go out looking to buy N
I actually do feel awful making my family suffer much, they have suffered enough with me and my problems, but they have endured, and they are still there for me, loving me, so catching the bus, killing my self, would be like stabbing my mom, even though when I've told her i wanna kill myself, and even ask for her permission, she once told me she respects my decision, thats even harder for me, I dont want her to suffer the loss of her child, even though im no longer a baby, im 36, independent but scared as hell, as if I loose the job I have, nobody else would hire me because my knowledge is not that great plus my memory sucks, so im like blessed I still have a job, but if I loose this job, im doomed, i dunno what to do, ...