Discussion What's keeping you here... (for now)?

[MisanthropicLycan]

Guilt about the grief I will cause my family. A desire to finish my science fiction novel and some of my other writings.

 

[Tortured_empath]

Im too dumb to figure out where to hang myself.

Fear of failure, fear of the afterlife and that i'll end up even worse state

They're sure gonma have to be creative to make up something that beats this suffering.

 

[smirlap]

Fear is powerful
And not finding a "good" way yet

 

[Daniela]

those who are only waiting for their mail, like @CrushedHopes and @Dishonorable

1. Do you live with other people? Doesn't CH live with his parents? How will you dissemble, e.g. if you get asked questions about these packages?
2. How the heck are you coping with waiting? I am at the "can't get out of bed" stage

Uncertainty (because I'm so controlled) is harrowing
I fully intend to take advantage of my parents' mental decline to CTB under their noses

 

[OnlyMercy]

I'm alive because I'm curious about the future. I don't know why I don't learn that it will forever be "same shit, different day"

 

[Dishonorable]

those who are only waiting for their mail, like @CrushedHopes and @Dishonorable

1. Do you live with other people? Doesn't CH live with his parents? How will you dissemble, e.g. if you get asked questions about these packages?
2. How the heck are you coping with waiting? I am at the "can't get out of bed" stage

Uncertainty (because I'm so controlled) is harrowing
I fully intend to take advantage of my parents' mental decline to CTB under their noses

I live with my parents too.. and they don't open my packages or even ask what I did order.. I do quite a lot of online shopping though.
I will have to pick it up from a package station anyway I think, because it will probably arrive when nobody is home and it has to be signed.

the waiting time sucks. I basically live not caring about anything rn, because u know, I won't stay here much longer. I am just anxious that my plan fails, because today I almost did not get the days for my plan off of work. or that I can't do it in the end. the problem is, I am more of an impulsive person.

 

[APharmaDestroyedLife]

My Dad just died 12 days ago and I dont want to put my sister through the trauma that soon. Although this has been long planned for me ( 18 months ) I was honestly waiting for my Dad to pass because I did not want him to have to deal with losing me while he was sick. He lived a lot longer than expected given his condition. The irony is not lost on me of a father fighting with all he had to live 1 more day, while his son was planning a way to end his own life. I wish i could have given my natural time left to my dad and taken his death as my own.

My choice of exit will either work quickly and be mostly painless, however if it fails I would most likely have severe brain damage. That scares me...but i have taken enough time and done enough research to have it set up for High success.

 

[Return2Dust]

Going back and forth on the guilt of the impact to my family. I'm also afraid there's nothing after this. If there is something after this, will my family still be mad about the way I left? I have arranged places for my pets, but will they get the same care I give them?

 

[trynacbt]

Just ordered my SN and scale & the guilt hit me like a wave. Family members were in the same room as I did it and nobody suspected a thing. Damn. This feels so easy and so hard.

 

[deadalready1969]

Fear that my two children who have diagnosed PTSD (we were in a domestic violence situation) would follow after me. My daughter struggles with daily thoughts. My oldest son has been unsuccessful three times. My other son hides his feelings and is undiagnosed.

My mom knows I want to leave and she suspects that I have a plan again. I don't want to hurt her or my kids, but the person they see each day is already dead inside. I rarely leave my house, actually my bedroom.

 

[Disintegration]

Supportive family and friends, the unknown, hope

 

[MeltingHeart]

The only things is that my SN got found & taken away & I seem to be far to fearful of other methods- and I have tried ALOT to overcome this. For some reason I felt atleast a little more comfortable with sn - for now I feel trapped in life - until I can eventually overcome SI with another method. Which is proving to be rather difficult for me.

 

[Are you lost too?]

SI - I'm not sure if I will be able to through it when the time comes. Not feeling ready and fear of failing, mostly.

SI is such a mess. I don't want to keep on, but it seems like a little bee in my ears.

My parents ... for my mother, as I'm pretty sure it would ruin her life. She is too religious and also would feel guilty and ashamed - she really worries about what other people think. As to my father, I'm pretty sure he would be devastated but would end up getting over it, knowing I would have found my peace. It's sad but I'm overcoming it, trying not to think too much about this and also to think that, in the end, I can't keep going because of them. If I were to keep going, it should be for myself. And I don't see this will coming back any time soon, unfortunately. Maybe I should be patient. But I can't take this anymore. Everyday I wake up and I got so frustrated when I see there is one more pointless day to wake up.

The only things is that my SN got found & taken away & I seem to be far to fearful of other methods- and I have tried ALOT to overcome this. For some reason I felt atleast a little more comfortable with sn - for now I feel trapped in life - until I can eventually overcome SI with another method. Which is proving to be rather difficult for me.

I'm really sorry you SN was taken. How did it happen?
Do you think there is no way you could obtain it now?

 

[Isittimetogonola]

I have 2 beautiful friends. I loaned a special patch to one as protection and confidence as she is beginning a new job. Her partner (she has a 6th sense) immediately felt an uneasiness and loaned me her grandmothers ring to keep me safe. Once I can get the ring back to her, then Im out. Just empty and no way to fill the cup.

 

[CrushedHopes]

those who are only waiting for their mail, like @CrushedHopes and @Dishonorable

1. Do you live with other people? Doesn't CH live with his parents? How will you dissemble, e.g. if you get asked questions about these packages?
2. How the heck are you coping with waiting? I am at the "can't get out of bed" stage

I live alone. And I can cope with waiting because I don't have long. I know I am going to be gone soon, so a few more days isn't going to make much of a difference.

 

[Isittimetogonola]

I have 2 beautiful friends. I loaned a special patch to one as protection and confidence as she is beginning a new job. Her partner (she has a 6th sense) immediately felt an uneasiness and loaned me her grandmothers ring to keep me safe. Once I can get the ring back to her, then Im out. Just empty and no way to fill the cup.

I believe my friend saw through the fact I was actually givng her

I have 2 beautiful friends. I loaned a special patch to one as protection and confidence as she is beginning a new job. Her partner (she has a 6th sense) immediately felt an uneasiness and loaned me her grandmothers ring to keep me safe. Once I can get the ring back to her, then Im out. Just empty and no way to fill the cup.

I believe my friend felt that I was actually giving her partner this patch as I am starting to pass on things to certain people. Nothing strong or big enough to draw suspicion

 

[Sweet emotion]

I honestly have no friggin clue anymore

 

[Xaphous]

Fear of failure, fear of the afterlife and that i'll end up even worse state

Sadly this too. Other than that I have no desire or reason to continue being here

 

[Spock87]

Right now I have to get all my ducks in a row. Fire my therapist get all the bills laid out for my s/o and get my stuff

 

[CarbonMonoxide]

I wanted to give myself a 2 year period where I was sure that I wanted to ctb. I have no reason for waiting another few weeks really, I just wanna fuck around a little and have fun.

Me too. I've spent this year messing around and having a good time. I also wanted to make sure that this is what it wanted.

I guess I'm the type of guy who'll leave everyone shocked because they never saw it coming.

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

My SN hasn't arrived yet and I'm waiting for next year to ctb. My life is already fucked up anyway.

 

[mediocre]

I have an undiagnosed physical illness and I will be getting tests for it soon. This gives me a little bit of hope that things can improve. However, if they can't find anything wrong at the hospital I will have to cbt soon

 

[Soulless_Angel]

Not read all the replies, What's keeping me here? I wish I knew, holding out hope, whilst thing's get worse by the day, Holding out so I can give my children a good xmas, one last memory, yet on the other hand going out on my birthday would be fucking amazing, which is before xmas,
Fear of being stopped/found, fear of fear, fear of failure,
I know my choice and I know it will work, but I fear that I will be stopped before I get to that point, first time I was kinda close, 2nd time I was right on the edge, third time I know it will work, I just struggle to understand if I can get there again without being stopped prior...

 

[woxihuanni]

Forlorn hope, for a particular thing. If that thing happens, I can tackle anything life throws at me at least as well as the next person.

 

[Jen0804]

@Jen0804

I'm so proud of you. I know how hard it is to keep going even one more day when you're literally holding your method in your hand. You have been brave. Sometimes it's just literlly one hour at a time xx I'm doing the same over here too...
One hour..
One cigarette and one coffee at a time. Forget tomorrow we all have today to deal with so let's take it slowly

... :-)

 

[ctb]

anime

 

[Woodnote]

My animals. They're all I have and they mean the world to me. I can't abandon them. If I didn't have them I would've left a long time ago.

 

[PDAnnie2610]

Responsibility as a caregiver in my family. But I've slowly let someone take over.

Fear of consequences of a failed attempt - I will not allow myself to enter the darn ward again!

 

[azucaramargo]

My two pugs. They are very old. One is blind and deaf. I feel like they would be lost without me.

Awwww! I love pugs!!!!!
Cowardice, distraction, half-baked rays of hope

 

[mattwitt]

Right now it's the holidays.