What I meant by procrastination was procrastination of my suicide, not of my work. "Making them real", I have a videogame that I need (want to) make. I have the technical knowledge, I have the designs, the mechanics, the story, some things programmed already. But I keep hitting roadblocks because when I look at the end of the line, I'll still be the friendless loser regardless of what I make. I feel that I want to make those things, but I don't want to try, because at the end I know I'll still be unhappy. I'll probably be even angrier then, because I'll have hated doing all that effort for nothing. If I wasn't a fucked up autistic, then I would be okay with slaving away. But I have no reason to motivate myself. Motivation doesn't exist in a vacuum. People have friends, family, or love to get them through hard times, or give them a reason to work hard. I just have an empty room. After I've been at that stage before, I don't want to try again.
I go through multiple spirals every day. From being fully aware of my situation, to being able to escape it all momentarily while watching a show as I lose myself, and come crashing back down again. I like finding happy animes that are so cliche, but enjoyable, they make me feel normal when I watch them. But as soon as it ends I cry. It's exhausting, and the only way I get rid of that is by going to sleep and doing it all over again. Every line of code I make, every single character, I keep wondering "who's it all for?". Myself isn't good enough of an answer. Maybe I'll try to build a really creepy para social relationship with a fan base if I ever get the game out. That might satiate me. Idk. That's why I have everything in stages so I can think about it once I get to those points.
