What will finally make me do it?

[DogSandwichLove]

I have had SN for months now. Just sitting there. I take it out and look at it from time to time wondering when I will have the courage to actually do it. I don't have anything that is keeping me here. I think about dying all the time. I feel like my body is on autopilot. I'm just doing what I have to day to day. I don't want to be here, but I don't know why I'm not brave enough to do it. The act itself doesn't scare me at all. I think I'm just afraid that somehow what will come after will be even worse. Should I just keep dragging myself through this life even though I hate it?

 

[ForeverCaHa]

Your fears mirror mine, it's the one thing that could possibly stop me from taking the leap. I'm confident in my method and the steps required, I'm at peace with the pain my decision will cause, but the unknown scares me a lot. I think it's scary for everyone (even those who don't believe anything happens after death), so it's perfectly natural. For me, I'm willing to risk it to escape the pain in this life, and for the chance - no matter how small - of being reunited with my partner, given another chance with him.

 

[Salkak]

Somedays I wish something just pushes me off the edge so then i'll have courage to do it

 

[drakflowerfire]

If you feel you can't not stand anymore on life.

 

[J&L383]

Somedays I wish something just pushes me off the edge so then i'll have courage to do it

Yes, it's sort of "the last straw" effect. Like when the tranny in your car leaves you stranded, you finally get rid of that car that the radio and the windows and the heater and the air conditioning didn't work. (Right now, my "tranny" may still work, but only two speeds.)

 

[AreWeWinning]

I have had SN for months now. Just sitting there. I take it out and look at it from time to time wondering when I will have the courage to actually do it. I don't have anything that is keeping me here. I think about dying all the time. I feel like my body is on autopilot. I'm just doing what I have to day to day. I don't want to be here, but I don't know why I'm not brave enough to do it. The act itself doesn't scare me at all. I think I'm just afraid that somehow what will come after will be even worse. Should I just keep dragging myself through this life even though I hate it?

I feel like I've been in this autopilot stage for months. Do nothing, but only what's absolutely necessary and waste time. Eat, sleep, watch YouTube, watch movies, and that's it. And countless hours of thinking and trying to decide whether I should 100% commit to ending it or not!

Right now, I'm making progress, and I'm actually taking steps, and making preparations. I feel optimistic about being able to do it, but at the same time, I'm afraid about ending up in a state like you describe when everything is ready.

About the 'what comes after' part, which worried me too, I applied some standard logic. It's an unknown. No-one knows. So, I give it 50-50% chance of being better or worse. That's what unknown is, by definition, so it's a good starting point. Next, I looked at my life, and what I expect my remaining life to be like. And based on that, would I take that 50-50% chance? For me, the answer is, yes. For you, it might be different... And there is also the fact that you might not believe it's truly 50-50%. In fact, I don't believe that either...

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

I think, something can happen which washes away the natural resistance. Like a dam with small leaks, when suddenly something unseen shifts and the explosive rush of water carries everything away and nothing can stop it. I've felt the ground give way under my feet a few times and I can see how I could lose any and all hesitation (I don't have preparations in place). One part of it, for me, is when I just don't care what could happen next.

 

[Soontocatch]

You will eventually get that last push,the point where in you just stop thinking sanely and all that's going through your mind is I don't wanna f*cking live anymore.And that last push is what makes you take some decisions that are really rash and those decisions will be the end for you.Though right now you might be backing out now you soon won't.This is pretty common and I am sure it occurs to everyone.What I tell is try to think of all the things that have happened that led you to this and the things that will happen if you don't ctb.Those are the thoughts which will give you the last much needed push.

 

[DogSandwichLove]

Your fears mirror mine, it's the one thing that could possibly stop me from taking the leap. I'm confident in my method and the steps required, I'm at peace with the pain my decision will cause, but the unknown scares me a lot. I think it's scary for everyone (even those who don't believe anything happens after death), so it's perfectly natural. For me, I'm willing to risk it to escape the pain in this life, and for the chance - no matter how small - of being reunited with my partner, given another chance with him.

I'm in a very similar spot as you. I lost my partner to suicide a little over 6 months ago. I would do anything to get the chance to be with him again, but that is another thing that stops me - if I die and there is nothing, I won't even have the memories we have had together, not that I would even be conscious of that fact. All of the reasons I have to not do it are illogical while I have so many logical reasons to ctb and I can't make myself do it. For some reason, I need more time. Hopefully it's not much more. I'm so tired.