Discussion What stops you from CTB?

[lovelypirategirl]

Hi, this is my first post ever. I've been a long time reader and a never poster, but that is over.

I want to share a little bit of myself with you: I've always been suicidal since I was a little girl. Once I found a childhood diary from the datea when I was around 8-9 years old and I was filling pages saying I just wanted to die. When I was a teenager I tried to kill myself a couple of times, just to end hospitalized and beeing made fun by society (especially by friends' parents). Eventually I grew up and didn't have any serious attempt, however I kept being suicidal this whole time until last September when I tried to hang myself (partial hanging) while living in the USA. It just ended with me being in the ER, then 12 days in the psychiatric hospital and finally with my Visa removed.

Today I'm tired, I'm just fed up of being alive, but I don't have the guts to kill myself. I wish some external force kills me, so my death wouldn't be a "real" suicide. I'm not quite sure what stops me... I think I'm scared/ashamed what people will think about me because of killing myself (I know, it's stupid, right?), I don't know how my mom, sister and aunt will handle and cope with it and my whole life is a mess (literally, starting with my room) and I don't want my family to get stressed with fixing all my mess.

I'm wondering if some of you know what exactly stops you from CTB. Please share.

Xoxo

-Lovelypirategirl

PS: Sorry, English is not my first language. My apologies for any mistake!

 

[mediocre]

I want to see if I can find solutions to my physical illness problems. To see if I can feel better. If I am not given help or treatment then it will be game over for me.

 

[faust]

I am sorry you are suicidal all your life...
Despite being in a very bad state, you still worry about others and this is not bad, believe me.

Nothing stops me right now, because I am planning to go in summer.
Corona mess can make me reconsider the method, but I will do everything that is possible.

 

[Blutsager]

Your English was lovely, do not worry about it. And I am sorry to hear this story of you.

For me... it's my mom. It's complicated. On the one hand, her energy, her life, her fire is what keeps me motivated on this quarantine to continue living. On the other, I bought two kilos of SN specifically for her, so if she eventually breaks, as this existence becomes a living hell, and she wants to end it all, which horrifies me to think what horrors we would have to live for her to reach that point, I'll be able to give her a peaceful end first, and then end it myself.

I wish you luck, my friend. A long and prosperously happy life... or a quick and peaceful end. I wish you nothing on the afterlife, for I am certain on it you shall find peace.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

Well, what stops me is the one person I love more than anything in the world. Some days I feel like I will lose her, but she somehow convinces me I will not. Wish I could just let go of my fear and paranoia, but it is an incredibly complicated situation that could end badly, hence, my ambiguity over CTB. As it says below my user name, holding out hope, but considering alternatives...

 

[BPDbitch]

Guilt, knowing my death would push my loved ones to the end of their tethers. I like to think that they'll find a way through it, because deep inside I know I probably will die at my own hand and need to make peace with the fact.

 

[k75]

Right now, the biggest thing stopping me is my dad. He was just diagnosed with cancer, and losing me would destroy him and my family. The situation is much bigger than me now, and I've decided to try and fight a little longer. I want to see him get better. I want to get better, myself. I'm still sure it won't end well for me, but it's just the wrong time.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

Right now, the biggest thing stopping me is my dad. He was just diagnosed with cancer, and losing me would destroy him and my family. The situation is much bigger than me now, and I've decided to try and fight a little longer. I want to see him get better. I want to get better, myself. I'm still sure it won't end well for me, but it's just the wrong time.

This is an incredibly noble thing to do in a world full of selfishness. I am touched by your words and compassion.

 

[Living sucks]

I'm afraid my soul won't ascend and the stigma left with my family esp my kids

 

[k75]

This is an incredibly noble thing to do in a world full of selfishness. I am touched by your words and compassion.

Thank you. I don't feel especially noble, though. I just can't do that to them, especially because they've always supported me. I feel like I've been miserable this long, I can afford to wait awhile longer. I think hope is important when you're as sick as he is, and I don't want to take that away.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

Thank you. I don't feel especially noble, though. I just can't do that to them, especially because they've always supported me. I feel like I've been miserable this long, I can afford to wait awhile longer. I think hope is important when you're as sick as he is, and I don't want to take that away.

I respectfully disagree. I feel that there are few people in the world who would make that kind of sacrifice for another simply for a reason like that. Sad that there aren't more attitudes like this in the world, becauseeif there were, most of us here would not be so hopeless and the world in general would be a far better place for it overall.

 

[time2register]

Sometimes I get distracted by my life. Falling into simple habitual pursuits of pleasurable distraction. Sometimes I forget to make progress towards the bus. There are moments or days when I think it's worthwhile to just see how it plays out, getting caught up in activities and relationships.

I also think I lack the 'guts' to do it. So unless I get access to a surefire, safe way out I'm not risking taking any chances. Peaceful in my sleep or stick it out.

 

[RedDEE]

What always stops me is my deeply rooted survival instinct that is genetically programmed into my brain by millions of years of evolution. Every bit of my logical mind knows I'm better off dead, I don't have one single doubt. But when it comes down to actually doing it, my survival instinct kicks in and takes over.

The part of our brain that uses logic has only been around for thousands of years. The part of our brain that is hard wired to survive has been around for millions and millions. We are hard wired to survive, starting back to the beginning of life itself. When life began, as a small organism, all it knew was SURVIVE. It's hard to overcome that base instinct which is the foundation of our entire existence. Your will to die has to be stronger than evolution.

 

[Mooshi]

The only thing stopping me as of now is the fact that my method isn't ready, and I'd also like to do some things before I ctb.

 

[s1mplem3]

Last month I almost took SN but was to scared to be alone. I hope I'll find a partner otherwise I'm afraid I'll have to do it alone.

 

[zeroambition]

My mother and possibility of eternal punishment or being reborn into a similar challenging life.

 

[Squiddy]

Fear of hell, parents and friends

 

[ExitStageLeft]

Not having the proper venue for it (a clean room that isn't at home with a decent environment), and not having the proper conditions for it: a final, palliative conversation with my ex-girlfriend, and a chat to broadcast to or some other audience to communicate with via the act.

 

[Painless_end]

Two reasons so far :

1. I don't have access to a high enough place.

2. If I did, I'm not sure whether I would actually have the guts to jump.

 

[sadgirl2002]

I can relate to a lot of what you've said. I've been suicidal ever since I was a little girl as well, I could have ended it at 13 but I was so ignorant of suicide methods back then. I'm sorry you've been through so much, I wish I could have been there for you. I was also ready to CTB with partial suspension hanging in August 2018, I should have went through it. A part of me wants to catch the coronavirus so I can die from it and it won't be a real suicide but I don't think it's worth it. It's not stupid to be ashamed of what others will think. My room was also such a mess around the time I was ready to kill myself and I was in an even worser state. It's still messy but a little less I think. I wish I knew the right thing to say... seeing as though I'm also going through this. I hope you are able to go through CTB so you can be at peace.

The only thing that stopped me over a year ago and what's been stopping me now is the one I love.

Sending you hugs xoxo

 

[Final Escape]

I'm not about to starve just yet. Or out in the street freezing to death, no bed bugs eating me alive at the homeless shelter. The basic conditions to live are still intact lol!

 

[oneside]

Right now the only thing stopping me is the COVID-19. I want to ctb in a beautiful place but I'm unable to travel anywhere since there isn't hotels or even camp parks available, it's all closed.

 

[Donk]

my wife and family

 

[CatholicGuilt]

The person I know who will blame himself, and I can't do that to him. Also faith. The Fifth Commandment of God forbids not only killing others but also ourselves. However, mortal sin requires full consent. If I'm so depressed and hopeless that I want to end my own life, am I really mentally equipped to fully consent to anything? I don't know.

 

[nonamegirl]

Fear that it will be painful/unbearable. That's the only thing holding me back. If I could be promised an end with only minor discomfort/pain I would have been long gone now.

 

[Mistake of Nature]

Hey there, I'm new too! Like you, I've had these thoughts for a long time, but I've never been able to get over the hurdle that is the survival instinct. Haven't even been able to come close.

Due to the nature of my problems, it's only logical that I CTB eventually, and that I do it sooner rather than later to save myself from more suffering than necessary. But my fear of failing and of pain/discomfort/panic while dying overrides that logic. Plus I know it would destroy my parents.

 

[racek]

For me various things. Instinct too. And being aware while falling asleep. What is after that doesnt play any role.

 

[Aonewayticketplease]

Hi, this is my first post ever. I've been a long time reader and a never poster, but that is over.

I want to share a little bit of myself ....

I'm wondering if some of you know what exactly stops you from CTB. Please share.

Xoxo

-Lovelypirategirl

PS: Sorry, English is not my first language. My apologies for any mistake!

I'm really sorry that during the course of your life you have never enjoyed anything enough to want to live. It must be tough wanting to die as a child.

The reasons I am afraid to CTB are firstly that I am terrified of dying, and, secondly, the people that I care about will be devastated by my death.

 

[qwerty_in_me]

well for me the only thread hanging is the fact I have a deadline (heh, get it?) on when I make the decision, so it's either I pass quick and quiet or I tread on through.

as for you, I'd recommend the ol' reliable - "I WILL do it" & "I HOPE they hate me for it". got me two attempts and a third's a commin!

 

[SuicidalSymphonies]

My fiance. That's it.