Discussion What stops you from CTB?

[porfin1234]

Fear. Dad. SO.

 

[departing]

The next time I try, I want to get it right. No more failures.

 

[ctb oil for dogs]

I've tried to ctb a few times. My most recent attempt was 6 months ago. I took all of my sleeping pills and some leftover painkillers from my surgery. I "passed away" on a Friday evening and woke up on a Sunday afternoon, covered in sweat and vomit.

My parents and I live in the same house and they didn't call or check on me once. When I realized I had failed, I begged them to take me to the hospital and they refused, telling me I would lose my job. Before then, if I had been asked this question, I would have told you it was my parents that were stopping me. That's not the case anymore.

I'm pretty sure that the last attempt has damaged my stomach lining, as in the months since then I will be seized by excruciating pain and burning, especially at night. Sometimes I cough up blood. It makes me wish I had gone more than ever. My birthday is soon and I had hoped desperately to be dead, since I'm too old to care about anymore. Depression took all my best years and now the end of the world is taking the rest.

However, my method isn't ready, and considering the uh, broader state of things, I don't know if it will be for another few months. I might have to come up with a new plan.

 

[NotGonnaLast]

My family, specifically nieces and nephews. But honestly my family - non specifically - is also a large reason why I want to CTB

 

[Alain]

Fear of suffering in my last moments. I've suffered all my life. I really really want my death to be quiet, calm, and painless. I have a sister and a nefew I love very much but it's not enough for me to making me want to live longer. My dog kept my desire to die away, because I was responsible for his life and I love him more than anything in the world. Now he's gone and I'm free to live whenever I want.

All I need to finally CTB is a painless method I can use in my home, in my bed. Going to sleep and just die quietly and peacefully. The day I find this method will be my last and happier day ever.

 

[Erase.myself]

Something that keeps me ambivalent about ctb is thinking about leaving my mom behind. I lost my twin sister May 27th of last year. Her heart is already so broken from my sister dying that it breaks my heart to think of her losing both her twin daughters. My dad died September 20th 2009 and my brother is in and out of jail and is fucked up on meth. I feel like I'm all she has left. She already tells me how lonely she is.

 

[MoreThanAFeeling]

Fear of turning into a vegetable, that's it.

 

[Donk]

I've tried to ctb a few times. My most recent attempt was 6 months ago. I took all of my sleeping pills and some leftover painkillers from my surgery. I "passed away" on a Friday evening and woke up on a Sunday afternoon, covered in sweat and vomit.

My parents and I live in the same house and they didn't call or check on me once. When I realized I had failed, I begged them to take me to the hospital and they refused, telling me I would lose my job. Before then, if I had been asked this question, I would have told you it was my parents that were stopping me. That's not the case anymore.

I'm pretty sure that the last attempt has damaged my stomach lining, as in the months since then I will be seized by excruciating pain and burning, especially at night. Sometimes I cough up blood. It makes me wish I had gone more than ever. My birthday is soon and I had hoped desperately to be dead, since I'm too old to care about anymore. Depression took all my best years and now the end of the world is taking the rest.

However, my method isn't ready, and considering the uh, broader state of things, I don't know if it will be for another few months. I might have to come up with a new plan.

have you been to the hospital ever since? your symptoms sounds pretty serious. you should get someone to check your stomach. at least that might help with the stomach pain.

 

[ctb oil for dogs]

have you been to the hospital ever since? your symptoms sounds pretty serious. you should get someone to check your stomach. at least that might help with the stomach pain.

Haven't been to the hospital or the doctor. Can't go now because hospitals are at capacity.

 

[Hollow Point]

I'm not about to starve just yet. Or out in the street freezing to death, no bed bugs eating me alive at the homeless shelter. The basic conditions to live are still intact lol!

The shelters are rough. They are doing their best to keep it sanitary, but anybody who's been to one can tell you that it's impossible. They are even talking about shutting them down soon, or started to decide who comes and goes. It's already gotten alot stricter. You cant really enforce social distancing when you're in a shelter packed with 500-1000 people waiting for food or sleep. They spray twice a year for bed bugs, and do a pretty good job with supplying clean sheets and mats. If things keep getting worse, and I dont even have my shelter anymore, then it will be time for me.

 

[selfhater]

i don't have method

 

[Admont]

I'm a coward, that's why I don't ctb till now, but I could say I'm not going to die normally I want to suffer and feel pain.

 

[Sensei]

Sometimes I wonder that myself. Maybe I don't want to cause my old parents pain? Maybe I still believe deep down inside that my life actually can change for the better? Maybe it's because I still have good days at times? Maybe I want to feel how it is to be truly happy again? Maybe it's because there's still so much for me to explore in the world? Maybe I hate the idea of giving up? Maybe I don't like the idea of having just one option? Maybe all of it or nothing? However desperate, irrational, vain, and childish it may be, I still have a sliver of hope. Yet, I've made two attempts and I get suicidal impulses which are difficult to control, so the question "Why?" might not matter in the end.

 

[mildno]

Sometimes I wonder that myself. Maybe I don't want to cause my old parents pain? Maybe I still believe deep down inside that my life actually can change for the better? Maybe it's because I still have good days at times? Maybe I want to feel how it is to be truly happy again? Maybe it's because there's still so much for me to explore in the world? Maybe I hate the idea of giving up? Maybe I don't like the idea of having just one option? Maybe all of it or nothing? However desperate, irrational, vain, and childish it may be, I still have a sliver of hope. Yet, I've made two attempts and I get suicidal impulses which are difficult to control, so the question "Why?" might not matter in the end.

Ummmm, are we the same person?

 

[Sensei]

Ummmm, are we the same person?

Possibly. To be dual would certainly make life more interesting.

 

[whereispeace]

Fear of the process of dying being uncomfortable/painful, and my family. If I didn't have my family, I'd already be dead.

 

[mildno]

Possibly. To be dual would certainly make life more interesting.

Definitely, constant indecision

 

[schopenh]

What stops me is a combination of SI and lack of good opportunity.
I should say first that I have chronic, severe neuropathic pain for over two years now that has not improved despite aggressive treatment. I am mostly housebound due to this. This is my reason for wanting to CTB. If I woke up pain free tomorrow I would no longer want to CTB.

My method is SN and I have all the ingredients (SN, domperidone as meto makes me extremely anxious, cimetidine, tapentadol and alprazolam to make it as pleasant as possible).

The first problem is that I'm on a PPI (proton pump inhibitor) and they don't speed up the absorption like cimetidine does apparently. Also, the suicide wiki says the following:

"If you are taking PPIs (e.g., esomeprazole, lansoprazole, omeprazole, pantoprazole, and rabeprazole) for gastric ulcers, you should stop taking them 2 weeks prior your attempt. See the Antacid section for more information. "

There's no justification for this statement and there's no further information in the antacid section.
Nonetheless, I don't want to take any chances. I want to die, end of story, so I will do the method correctly. So I'm going to get off the PPIs so I can take cimetidine. I'm going to be on PPIs a further 4 weeks minimum. Then I'll have to wait that extra two weeks minimum before going ahead with the method according to the above statement. So I am at least a month and a half away from even being able to attempt.

Next is that I live with people in a very small house. One of them is an on and off night owl. I never know if that person is awake or not. And if they sense I'm awake, they (as they have in the past) may knock on my bedroom door to have a chat or ask a question or whatever. Before coronavirus the opportunities (nights when the house has been free besides me) have been very scarce and obviously completely out of my control. In the lock down there is no truly safe opportunities.

So once that six weeks and lock down are up I just wait around for a good opportunity and hope I can overcome SI that day. Hopefully the people I share the house with leave some weekend and tell me in advance so I can prepare properly.

But, with all that said, I also think that surely if I just locked my door some night I have confirmed everyone is asleep and take the SN with domperidone then I would die. So is all of the above just completely SI motivated? Probably. Like many people; I don't want to die, I just don't want to suffer anymore.

I don't have what it takes to hang myself, cut myself or jump in front of a train or off a cliff (the latter two not just mentally but also physically). So it's SN or bust (I could also do an opioid overdose but it's less well documented).