What made you decide suicide was your only option?

[Reallysad]

I decided it was my only option when I realised I have nobody and I hardly see my 3kids and I am lonely . I Would like to hear everyone else's story's

 

[Countdown Kirk]

Lifelong mental illness. Unhappiness, unworthiness, guilt, shame and fear.

 

[AloeGarten]

incurable mental illness that makes living life very hard, and extremely lonely. realistically it isnt my only option, but its by far the best. theres no point working for the rest of my life when there i dont enjoy being alive and wont ever get better

 

[wantittoendsoon]

For me it was easy, terminal illness that is only going to get worse, I have seen other people fight cancer until the last second and it is not pretty nor something I want to do for everyone's sake. Seeing a family member deteriorate in front of your eyes for months until they are not the person you loved and you don't want to remember them that way. So for me the old "You would be selfish to kill yourself" line doesn't work. I'm doing this for their sakes as much as my own.

 

[donealready]

Chronic hopelessness.
The overwhelming desire to escape the painful thoughts and emotions resulting from life's experinces (and genetics).

 

[aforestfire]

mental illness makes me not functional, i am extremely lonely, the way it affects my life is painful to watch and, being honest, i don't think ctb is my only option, but it's by far better than keep trying and failing.

i got convinced that i don't have a place in this world, and i believe that more each day.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry you don't get to see your children that much. I think loneliness is all the more crushing when you have known the contrast in life.

For me, honestly- it's not that I see it as my only option. It just happens to be the option that most appeals...

I've had suicidal ideation to varying degrees for 32 years. So- I've had a long time to get used to it as a concept. The physicality of doing it still scares me but I've long grown comfortable with the idea that I might. The other factor though (for me) is not wanting to hurt my Dad- so I'm hanging on for him.

My life is (mercifully) not terrible but it's not good either and it has the potential to get much worse. I'm largely very isolated- so- not much to hang on for there (although I'm actually quite content being alone.)

My creative job is honestly the one thing that has always kept me going and has given me a sense of purpose. However- that is freelance and very unstable financially. If I end up having to get a job I hate to support a life I don't enjoy- I'd much rather CTB.

I have known deep grief in life but ironically, things are more steady now. It's more I suppose that I want to 'save' myself from the trouble ahead (which I feel pretty sure is coming.)

 

[outrider567]

Intense Loss from my girlfriends death last Jan 24th, this time of year is especially hard--Each Dec 24th for the last 20 years as a tradition, we always watched A Christmas Carol(1938)--but not watching it this year

 

[Thisisme373]

Too long to list tbh my life is an absolute train wreck, suffered with anxiety & depression since teenage years, have a dysfunctional toxic family, few good but mostly bad, made bad decisions in my life which is punishing me hard now, depression & anxiety became severe in my late twenties and now 30s, every day is a battle for me and I'm tired of it. To make matters worse I can't even be depressed in peace, my roommates are not supportive and like to be passive aggressive. My life is a living nightmare and the depression is very strong now where the pressure feels unbearable at times. Like something has to give. Im holding on but just about.

 

[Blahhh]

Lonely and deformed. Hopeless. And to work for 35 more years in this melancholy is not for me.
Of course suicide isn't the only option for me. We could buy land in some cheap country and establish SaSu village.
I'd love to live in a tiny hut there heh. But not very likely. Yeah ctb it is.

 

[SamTam33]

It's always felt like the natural choice to me. Suicide is my default setting, so-to-speak.

When I first heard the word and what it meant, I immediately tried it. I was under 10 years old.

It's been decades and I've never stopped trying. Dying will always trump living.

The same way most people try to hold on and keep going in life... that's how I am about death. I'm never gonna stop trying to achieve it.

I refuse to just sit and wait for it to come to me.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

As you said, the loneliness is one reason, getting older, knowing that there will be many serious health ailments coming my way as I get older, which I have no desire to deal with, especially being 100% alone with no support. I don't want to stick around so long that I become incapacitated by a heart attack or stroke and have to go in a nursing home, where it will be much harder (maybe) to ctb. I think the time to get out is while I'm still able. I'm not doing anything constructive in this world anymore anyway. I'm not happy in my life, haven't been, and it isn't possible for me to get to that happiness anymore. The time to pursue my happiness was when I was much younger, and for whatever reason, that time passed me by. The only think I have to look forward to is getting older and dying of some insidious disease of some sort, which, I'm sure, will come with a lot of suffering. No thanks. Basically, I'm just taking up resources that would be better used for someone who really wants to be here. What's the point in sticking around, so I can just continue to pay taxes and buy things? Probably a few other reasons, too, I suppose.

 

[nifii]

For me it doesn't feel like the only option. I have health issues and trauma's due abuse. I know i can learn to accept all my issues and deal with it but i just don't want to. I don't wanna live in a damaged body, i rather not live at all.

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case suicide is the most preferable option, it makes sense for me to wish to ctb and all that I've ever really wished for is to not exist. I absolutely despise existing in every single way, I mean what could ever be so beneficial and valuable about all this to make it worth enduring. I see nothing. It's the most rational thing to wish to not exist as suicide solves all of life's problems as it removes the true cause of all them in the first place. There are no disadvantages to being dead, while existing has an unlimited amount of things wrong with it and I see any kind of suffering to be something negative and something to be avoided.

Basically I hate being conscious and aware of all this, and I see existence as being such a burden, it's something so tedious and useless with no limit as to how much we can suffer. It's irrational to wish to deteriorate from old age and that is all that existing leads to anyway, and I simply don't view it as being desirable to be tortured by the human body. I actually see it as being the best thing possible to die, under no circumstances could I ever want to delay our inevitable fate, and I always feel extreme amounts of envy whenever I hear of someone successfully ctb.

 

[Huntfish34]

As others have stated..... I really don't feel like it's my Only option, but I'm so sick and Fckn tired of myself, my life, this toxic world we live in, the toxic people in it, resentments/ relationships... I figure, Why not ? just not meant for this life Imo.

Only a matter of time ( I believe ) until something just pushes me over the edge, but who knows ? Time will tell I reckon. -

 

[savoytruffle]

mixture of mental illness, inescapable poverty and idk what else it's all a soup in my mind, since i turned 12 my mind was set on it, i never ever thought I'd live past 18

 

[Unending]

As time is elapsed, I have less and less reason to try to view life in anything other than a negative light. Mental illness and seeing the horrors of the world run parallel to each other as far as I can observe. It's getting harder and harder to look past how this world is an unending game of predator and prey in which those who are doing well only are able to because of other being's suffering. Even when we are well intentioned, it seems difficult to not accidently play the game of benefiting from the anguish of others.

I can continue to suffer for as long as possible in an attempt to spare my parents the trauma but one day it is going to happen just like that. In this sense, I don't even know if I see it as an only option but more of an uninevitable outcome of prolonged unmanageable torture.

 

[sevenkarmas]

Loneliness is it's own torment. I look to fill time when I'm not working with mindless stuff to keep me distracted. I use to have a wife, two kids and two dogs living with me. They all just decided to leave one day and won't say a word to me. I was talking to a friend today who went through something similar five years ago. He's still not over it, but at least he gets to see his kids. The saying is that "It's better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all." That's straight bullshit.

 

[broken_songbird]

Rejection. Everywhere. No matter what.

Lack of access to medical care.

Homelessness despite scholastic excellence.

Everything I do creates a bigger problem.

I was offered a job in my field that I'd love to take, but the money and car I have won't make the 8-hour trip. The job has housing and pays more than I've ever made. Ain't that a bitch? And even if I find a way to get there, the medical problems I have could make me lose the job at any time.

People just tend to fucking hate me. And I'm definitely done with the pain that causes.

 

[Someday_Somehow32]

I just realized nothing good was happening to me. I have no talents, no skills, no friends. No matter how much I attempted to change nothing good comes my way. I dunno, maybe after I die things get better

 

[SeenMoreThanEnough]

I decided it was my only option when I realised I have nobody and I hardly see my 3kids and I am lonely . I Would like to hear everyone else's story's

I just turned 45 in December. Sexually abused by a stranger in some forest when I was 8. By cousin when I was 12. Battled depression and other MH issues since mid-teens. Severe emotional abuse by parents in pubescence and teens. Just got fired from an eight-year job in November. Ex-wife and I have been separated for almost 18 months, but are still living together in the same house (it's for sale now). My early 20s son/daughter also live here, but our relationships are very damaged due to my addictions and illnesses. I live down in the master bedroom at the far end of the house and there isn't much interaction, as the kids prefer my ex wife, because reasons. I am still on methadone, and in the past two years, have started drinking to cope. Excuses? Nah. Reasons. Some people are just damaged beyond repair -- there's no need for a complicated, drawn out story, and at this age, I've finally realized it. Sometimes, people are just too damaged and too far gone, and I'm okay with that. I want to ctb and leave everything to my kids and ex for the damage I feel I've caused, even though it's not exclusively my fault. The world is a very cold, unforgiving place, and it has thoroughly kicked my ass. I just wish I had the courage.

 

[BrokenJesus]

Being cheated on by my (now ex) gf + not being able to move on after the breakup + not having anything meaningful in my life now that the relationship is over

 

[Wannagonow]

Lifetime of mental illness that doesn't respond to medication. So much sadness and depression stuck in my head for decades. I'm broke, lonely and my mind is just tired.

 

[purplehearted]

Incurable mental illness (bipolar) and childhood trauma. The only times im genuinely happy is when i think of ctb

 

[sadstuffie]

it's the only way i can escape my feelings & thoughts

 

[Mofreeko]

All I did was work to support a life I had no happiness in. I had no self respect, no dignity and nothing to live for. So I just walked out of my job and I've been preparing to ctb ever since.

 

[leaf23]

It's not the only reason but one is because I can't cope with grief. People always say that your happiness shouldn't be dependent on a person, or even any kind of temporal thing or concept but how exactly do you redefine your concept of happiness? I'm finding it extremely difficult. Some also say that grief never leaves you, you just learn to cope with it. I'm repeating myself but yeah, having trouble coping with it. So even though our circumstances are not the same, I understand the way you miss your children.

 

[SeenMoreThanEnough]

it's the only way i can escape my feelings & thoughts

I feel this. Do your best. Wish there was more encouraging things to say, really do :(

It's not the only reason but one is because I can't cope with grief. People always say that your happiness shouldn't be dependent on a person, or even any kind of temporal thing or concept but how exactly do you redefine your concept of happiness? I'm finding it extremely difficult. Some also say that grief never leaves you, you just learn to cope with it. I'm repeating myself but yeah, having trouble coping with it. So even though our circumstances are not the same, I understand the way you miss your children.

WOW. This hit hard. Isn't grief and regret SO hard to deal with? I feel like it's the opposite of the way a psychopath doesn't feel empathy, but instead of not feeling empathy, we feel grief x2 or more.

 

[DarknessAtNoon]

I have finally reached an age(35) where I have to accept that turning my life around is simply not feasible. I have tried and failed to address my addictions and mental illness for 20 years and am left with no friends and a broken relationship with my family. To top things off, my dentist committed gross malpractice and did irrevocable damage to my teeth 5 years ago and I have been living in near constant pain ever since. All the attempts by other dental professionals to fix my teeth have led to more problems and more pain. As a result, eating is now a chore and no longer something I can enjoy so I am constantly in a state of hunger which obviously worsens my mental state. There is just no realistic path for me to escape misery apart from ending it.

 

[Anon1337]

Realizing the life that I desire is unattainable. I will never achieve anything. I will never live a satisfying life. I refuse to work a shit job until I die naturally. I wish I didn't have to work. I wish I could do anything I want.